What is the purpose of saying nasty things about others? How to work with people who gossip When people say bad things about you
What it looks like: You are convinced that you thought you had false memories of hurt feelings, or that you were hallucinating. This is done in order to sow doubts in you. Then you will be a toy in the hands of the manipulator.
What to do: keep a diary, where to record oddities and visit a psychologist. When you catch a gaslighter hot, leave. These people are not treated.
PROJECTION
What it looks like: a person accuses you and others of what he himself is prone to. The liar is in a lie. A rude man in nitpicking and so on. A person considers himself an innocent angel.
What to do: do not listen, do not express sympathy. Do not support conversations on these topics. In severe cases, leave the person.
Senseless TALK ABOUT NOTHING
What it looks like: You are being pulled into a conversation that is of no use. “But if all women were given the opportunity to kill children, what would the world look like?” The challenge is to make you a listener to self-admiration.
What to do: Just don't participate. Exactly from the moment you stop understanding why you need it?
GENERALIZATIONS
What it looks like: keywords “everything, always, constantly”, etc. “You are always gloomy”, “all men are goats”, “you are constantly nervous.” Any particular case is built into a system.
What to do: Do not carry on a conversation. Ask the question: “What problem are we solving now, specifically?”. If there is no answer, leave the topic.
What it looks like: your words are distorted and brought to the point of absurdity. The phrase: "the cookie is burnt" is interpreted as "Oh, you don't love your mother-in-law?"
What to do: You are expected to feel guilty. Don't accept it. Leave the conversation, warning that you will not discuss fiction.
NICKING
What it looks like: You will never be good enough to be loved. Yes, the house is cleaned, but you come home from work late.
What to do: have your own opinion. You will not get approval here, no matter how you jump after this carrot. Solution: Don't like it? Do better, but on your own. I'm not going to be perfect."
CHANGE OF THE TOPIC TO DOUBLE QUESTIONS
What it looks like: "It doesn't matter now, you'd better think about it."
What to do: “We either discuss it or we don't discuss anything. It is important".
HIDDEN THREATS
What it looks like: “Do you understand how this will end for you?”
What to do: "No, tell me straight." If they evade a direct answer, voice it yourself: “You will stop giving money for children, did I understand correctly? Ok, I'll take that into account right away and take action."
ABUSE AND BABELS
What it looks like: you are reviled with the last words so that you are confused.
What to do: "I will not allow you to communicate with me in such a tone," and immediately interrupt the conversation. Get out of the house, hang up, interrupt decisively.
TOXIC DISAPPOINTMENT
What it looks like: you are gradually being explained that you are a nonentity, your achievements are ridiculous, and your only use is to serve a toxic person. “Well, at least you can cook, but you are no singer.”
What to do: Break the relationship at the first attempt to devalue you. There is no cure, the poison will be injected into you drop by drop for many weeks until you feel like a complete nonentity.
LIES AND GOSSIP ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK
What it looks like: there will be no direct conflict. It's just that people will gradually start to avoid you, having heard enough gossip.
What to do: find out the source. “Who said that about me? “Mmm, everyone is talking. - Choir? Who said first? Why won't he say it to my face?" Then openly bring the gossip to clean water, with noise, publicity and public exposure. That's exactly what they're afraid of.
LOVE AND SHARP DISAPPOINTMENT
What it looks like: you are surrounded by adoration, then to sharply start criticizing when you are in seventh heaven with happiness. Such a difference breaks self-esteem and you try to curry favor with those who adored.
What to do: Ask the person about their past relationships and co-workers. If you hear something like “they are full of nothingness” - do not believe any praise from this person anymore.
"YOU CAN TRUST ME"
What it looks like: they actively tell you what a good person is in front of you, how you can rely on him and in general.
What to do: do not believe the words. Believe in deeds. Get information about it. Self-praise is generally a wake-up call. Good people usually don't need to present themselves, they already know that they are good.
THIRD WHEEL
What it looks like: You are being told that you are bad and amplifying a third person argument. "That's what my sister thinks."
What to do: do not believe. You are being lied to or a third person has been turned against you. Talk to a third person in private later, and explain to the manipulator that you cannot be crushed by a mass of opinions. "What do YOU want from me, not sister?"
INNOCENT JOKE THAT HUMILATES YOU
What it looks like: they say nasty things to you as if in jest and laughing. The goal is to make you insecure.
What to do: Do not rush to answer immediately. Think for a few seconds, and then clearly state that you never want to hear this about yourself again. Quit the conversation if this happens again.
FALSE APOLOGIES AND PROMISES
What it looks like: they repent before you and ask for forgiveness.
What to do: believe not in words, but in deeds. Don't forgive until you are sure the person has actively stopped doing what they were apologizing for.
CATTERING JOKES, OPEN AGGRESSION
What it looks like: you are laughed at evil and with pleasure.
What to do: Respond with icy aggression, not raising your voice much, but threateningly and forbid such behavior. If there is no response, leave.
condescending jokes
What it looks like: you get a pat on the back.
What to do: “What makes you think that you have the right to talk to me like that, huh? Come to your senses, you are not my parent"
SHAME
What it looks like: past mistakes or sins are brought to mind to make you guilty and obedient.
What to do: Do not be frank with people you suspect of toxicity. Stop such attempts with a firm: "This is only my business, not yours."
CONTROL
What it looks like: You are required to report expenses, your time, your friends and your feelings, etc.
What to do: having noticed a trend, raise the question as harshly as possible: “Why do you consider yourself entitled to demand an account from me in this? I am an adult, and I manage on my own, without control.
It's sad to realize that people talk about you behind your back. Since such gossip spreads quickly, it is difficult to find the source of the gossip. It is for this reason that, most likely, you will only spoil the situation by trying to confront people who spread rumors about you. The best tactic in this case is to ignore it. In addition, you can try to become more positive and change your view of gossip.
Steps
How to deal with people who gossip
- Be kind, but don't get close to gossips. Do not tell them personal things that may become another topic for gossip in the future.
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Think about the gossiper's motives. If your friend or acquaintance began to spread rumors about you, most likely he had his own reasons for this. Most good friends wouldn't spread negative rumors about you that might upset you. If your friend just became a part of this gossip, try to find out why he did it, and also think about how he might have reacted to these rumors.
- Questions to ask include: “How did you know what was going on?” or “What were you saying spreading that rumor?” You can simply ask: “Why are you telling me this?”. The answers to these questions will help you understand the motives of the gossiper.
- You don't have to end your relationship with the gossiper. But it would be wise to communicate with this person with greater accuracy. Most likely, this person is not as innocent as he tries to seem. Perhaps he himself spreads gossip, and does not try to stop them.
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Don't gossip. You already know how annoying it is to be talked about behind your back. But if you do not try to stop it, you can assume that you, too, are to blame for the current situation. Some people just enjoy discussing other people's personal lives, but remember that they won't be able to do this if they don't have listeners (that is, people who share their opinion).
Talk to someone who is in authority. If gossip is interfering with your work or school, you will need to address the issue at the administration level. In this case, the teacher or supervisor will help to deal with this problem.
Don't do anything. You may be tempted to confront the person who gossips about you, in which case the best response to his actions is to ignore his gossip. Just think, because this person will not be able to say these words to your face. Therefore, you should not give him new topics for gossip. Just stop this vicious cycle by completely ignoring gossip.
Treat gossipers with kindness. Another way to respond to gossip is to cultivate a kind attitude towards people. Gossips will be confused and puzzled that you treat them so well despite the fact that they gossip about you. Also, if you're optimistic about everything, gossipers may feel guilty for talking about you behind your back.
Set limits on gossip. If you have to spend a lot of time with people who talk about you behind your back, try to keep your distance from them. Remember that you don't have to be friends with them just because you have to work together.
How to change gossip about yourself
Don't take gossip personally. You can easily run into people who talk about you behind your back, but remember that their words say more about themselves than about you. You cannot control what others say about you. But you can control your reaction to their words. Treat gossip like outside information. Don't be a victim of other people's problems.
Realize that people might just be jealous of you. It may not look like it, but people might say bad things about you because someone is bullying them. A person may envy your life, your skills and abilities, popularity. Their nasty and mean words may just be a way to hurt you.
Low self-esteem. Another feature of the gossiper is low self-esteem. People who talk badly about you may do it on purpose to assert themselves. Perhaps the person who spreads gossip about you constantly feels insignificant, most likely he has low self-esteem. As a result, this person starts talking bad things about others.
06.02.2018 10:15:20
When they say nasty things to you, it spoils your mood and lowers your self-esteem.
If you say nasty things in response, then you will definitely run into a conflict, and you will waste your precious energy in vain. And if you endure, you can get sick.
How to be?
There was a period in my life when my girlfriends and acquaintances did not say nasty things to me at all - only pleasant compliments. It was when I just moved to live in the city. I did not have a permanent job (and at the age of 18 and without experience it is impossible to find one), I did not have beautiful and fashionable clothes. All my friends told me: "You're my good one! My poor thing, let me help you!"
A poor and unfortunate girlfriend perfectly inflates self-esteem, so they sometimes helped me out with housing, helped me get a job, gave away unnecessary things ...
But a year later, the situation changed dramatically. I found a good job, and even began to make a career. I went to college and began to dress beautifully. Now I could give my friend my things. And then it began!
My cute and beautiful girls started saying nasty things to me! My new shoes, in their opinion, were ugly! In a perfectly fitting dress, I looked like a stuffed animal! A hand-crocheted openwork sweater was called "women's", although I saw exactly the same one on the catwalk at the last fashion show ... And in general, my taste and style suddenly turned out to be disgusting ...
And then I stood at the mirror, looked at myself, and could not understand what was wrong? The thing sits correctly, makes me slimmer and taller. She is elegant. Perfectly matched color and style. But why do girlfriends say that everything is bad?
At that moment, my boss saved me. I once asked her how the new dress sits on me, does it suit me? But her short answer: "Everything is fine" - did not satisfy me. And I complained to her that her friends say the opposite.
And she said the phrase that struck me then:
"Oksana, why love you? You are smart, beautiful, making a career, you can afford a lot, plus you study at the institute. There is nothing to love you for! .."
Since then, I have ceased to respond to destructive female attacks. And I realized one important thing: "Friends are known not in trouble, but in joy."
If your girlfriend tells you that you are fat or thin, or even worse - haggard ... If she calls your luxurious handmade sweater "women's" and tries to convince you that your Italian handbag is tasteless ... Think! Is she your friend?
Then I seriously began to think about the fact that poor and unfortunate friends, although they can raise your self-esteem well, are always ready to morally bite you, and, if possible, cripple you ...
So I just try not to be friends with those who bite.
How do I respond to moral bites?
If they tell you nasty things, try to "get into the shoes" of this person. Why is he telling you this?
Sometimes I hear nasty things in my address. As a rule, this happens when meeting with distant relatives, former classmates, etc.
Sometimes they write bad things to me in social networks. Well, a person is jealous of me, what can you do? I don’t argue, I don’t make excuses, I don’t stoop to their level and I don’t bite back. I just bathe them.
And by the way, I'm not upset at all. You understand what's the matter. I became a florist and craftsman at the age of 20. And how I sold figurines of Chinese Buddhas and cracked vases! Naturally, I had colleagues who openly hated me and said all sorts of nasty things. Well, the dog is with them! The dogs bark, but the caravan moves on. I'm used to it :)
At the age of 24, I became a successfully exhibited and sold artist in the city. I was often written about in local newspapers, filmed interviews. They began to recognize me on the street. Sometimes uncles-artists came up to me and started telling me that I draw disgustingly, I have no sense of style, and my technique is lame. Only here is one bad luck: my paintings were exhibited and sold, but they were not ...
Therefore, I always looked at all such bites with pity. If a person is forced to sink to this, it means that something is pushing him to that.
Well, if some lady comes to my page and writes that I'm a fool and I look bad, I just feel sorry for this woman. It is so hard for her that she spends her precious minutes of her life to sit in the net and throw her own intellectual garbage. Poor!
Well, I can just delete the nasty things :).
"Look at the root," as Kozma Prutkov said. And I'll add: "Look at the root, and don't worry :)"
If nastiness offends you?
Well, what if you are still hurt? For example, did a colleague speak negatively about you, and even publicly? Or is your boss jealous of you, because you are confidently making a career, and generally slimmer than her?
How to be? After all, sometimes saying nasty things in response is not always necessary or useful. And anyway, why stoop to their level?
But you feel bad. You constantly chase your resentment in your thoughts, suffer ... After all, you can get sick like that!
What to do?
Write this person a letter. In a letter, tell him everything you think about him, finally swear if you feel that you need it. Write that he is a ruthless bastard, but life will show who is right :). Justify yourself!
This letter does not need to be sent. Here it is important to simply complete this gestalt, calm down and not think about resentment anymore. All:).
If you are "lucky" to work next to a disgusting colleague or superiors who (oh, misfortune!) envy you and regularly say nasty things - use another method of gestalt therapy.
Get in the habit of hitting a rug, a pillow, or a punching bag at the gym a couple of times a week. The rug can be called the name of your boss :) Come up to him and say: "Well, Marvanna, did you jump? She took it into her head to scold me. She's completely pissed off! Now I'm going to beat you ..."
Is it worth it to say nasty things in response?
Definitely not worth it. Be wiser. Sometimes you can just feel sorry for a person. After all, if they throw their intellectual poop at you - understand, at first a person keeps these "poop" in himself, and they stink in him, poison his entire existence. He himself suffers from them, and most likely suffers much more than you!
Somehow I'm standing in the store. I'm wearing a luxurious fur coat, stiletto boots, make-up. I talk nicely with the saleswoman about which dress I should buy - the blue one, in which I look amazing, or this elegant black one, in which I'm just a miracle how beautiful :). And then a woman comes up ten years older than me. You know these ladies, they always have a correct and stern expression on their faces. This one, for example, looked like my tyrannical English teacher, whom I had been terrified of all my childhood.
So, this tyrant comes up to me and says something like: "And there is nothing to show off like that!"
And that's right, why am I showing off here, in my beautiful mink coat?
I make an exceptionally stupid expression on my face, and calmly agree with her: "My God, what a perspicacious you are, and I didn't know that I was showing off! Thank you, you opened my eyes!"
That's it, the conflict is over. The tyrant is depressed, and the saleswoman giggles with pleasure :)
But think about it, why did she fit in at all? Because in her soul she felt bad or even disgusting, and she was looking for a victim for herself. And here I am, in a beautiful fur coat, calmly saying compliments to myself, and in general, even dresses suit me ... So she decided to bite me. For me to bite her back. And then she would start to growl at me, and already frankly tear and throw! Because there is nothing to go shopping in full dress. After all, you need to show off less, be angry and unhappy, like her .... And if you are not like that, expect punishment!
If I had gone into conflict, I would have given this aunt a lot of pleasure. And I would leave the store upset, with bleeding emotions and torn feelings. And I, damn it, agreed with her, drowning out the conflict at the root ... And this will only make it worse for her. And it's her choice...
Or another situation. I meet a former classmate, and she says: "You've become a blonde! Fu... it doesn't suit you!"
What to answer her? "Look at yourself!"
But why? To get a whole tub of slop in return?
It's much better to say: "Yes, yes, I will definitely think about it. In general, it's so nice when others notice changes in me! You are so cute!"
Once the brilliant Faina Ranevskaya said:
"If you have been nasty - give this person a candy. You nasty - and you candy! And give candies as long as this bastard does not have diabetes!"
So do not spare sweets! Give them away generously :)
Well, if you want to always competently avoid conflicts, while not suffering from low self-esteem - study mine. In this case, I would even call it "non-biting culture" :)
"I stopped being offended, eating my stress and started losing weight!"
I thank Oksana, Olga and Elena for such a deep and serious work with the cadets "How to raise a woman's self-esteem."
I consider the main result of the course to be the realization that you need to work on yourself constantly, systematically, even when you don’t understand clearly how it works, you need to take it and do it every day. Do it every day, so that later you get the desired result for yourself.
I identified for myself the reasons for the difficulties in relations with men, and taking into account the professional recommendations of the author of the project Oksana Duplyakina and psychologist Olga Shevchenko, I developed a detailed plan of work in this direction.
On the course, I learned how to get rid of old grievances correctly, mastered the technique of forgiveness, so to speak. And it has already given results. For example, she got rid of resentment for the gained kilograms - and immediately began to lose weight (-2 kg per week), she got sick of eating everything and wanted to do exercises. I got rid of resentment for unfinished business - and the long-standing imperfections immediately began to be completed.
I matured, began to take my life more seriously, I realized in practice that I really can do a lot. And again, I accepted for myself that my life is in my hands.
I don't want to be offended by anyone anymore. Old grievances go away through the practice of forgiveness, and new ones do not appear. I don’t want to be offended at all, and that’s great!!!
I began the most important work for me to "inculcate" self-love. This is also a daily obligatory practice for me now. And for the first time in my life, I consciously and systematically work on the most important thing.
I learned to cancel the old negative attitudes that prevent me from living a full life, and replace them with new, positive ones.
I now have a whole set of techniques for solving problems in life, which I have mastered not only theoretically, but also practically.
Thank you fellow students. When you see that such cool girls are working side by side with you to improve the quality of their lives, seriously, and at the same time, cheerfully and enthusiastically follow the recommendations and get results - you are charged with this energy, and you understand that there is also a lot can.
My future plans are to work out the Practice of Forgiveness to the bitter end, to love myself deeply and hopelessly :). Work out tasks on self-knowledge and elimination of fears. Continue to work on increasing income and reprogramming, and continue to successfully study in the course "DAO: The Way of a Woman".
Good luck to all of us! Maria.
How do I learn to love myself
I instill good habits
and look at the world positively!Thanks to the course "How to raise a woman's self-esteem":
- I began to listen to myself more. I learned to catch negative thoughts and switch to positive ones.
- I stopped criticizing and scolding myself - now in any of my actions I find a positive intention, which means I stop feeling senseless guilt.
- I myself am a source of joy, inspiration and positive emotions :)
- I began to compare myself less with others, less to envy. I realized that my life is interesting for me!
- I stopped worrying about what was happening around, focused more on myself.
- Side effect: I have outlined for myself in which direction I want to develop in the creative and intellectual fields.Now (in addition to the main tasks of the course) I plan to come to grips with Reprogramming, and then the Practice of Forgiveness, study some of the literature in order to return to the DAO course at a new level. I would not like to write about all the goals now, but I will share the results!
Main conclusion:
You have to work on yourself! And work every day! To save the results, and then increase - you need to practice daily."Marina.
We remind you that we have a NEW SET!
on the online intensive "How to raise a woman's self-esteem!"
for DAO cadets!
You have 3 more days to sign up for this group.
This is a 15-day online intensive, taking place in the format of group therapy, with me and our psychologist Olga Shevchenko, in a special closed VKontakte group. You will have access to all the materials and tasks of the group for 2 months! And at the end of the intensive, each cadet receives an individual consultation on solving her problem!
18 comments
06.02.2018 13:09:21
Oksana, thank you for such an informative article! In the spring, I entered the DAO course and began to transform, at that moment my relationship with my girlfriend began to get worse. I intuitively began to feel something was wrong and stopped talking about my hard work and success, became more silent with her. And then one day she began to tell me that my jacket emphasizes my big shoulders (although I have an hourglass figure), she began to ask why I didn’t tell her about my success, and then she also asked why I hard to breathe! I replied that I was cold and we went faster, the conversation did not work out. Only later did I realize that I was furious and was holding back with might and main so as not to answer rudely and not yell at her. In the end, I nevertheless answered her sharply, but I still restrained myself strongly. And then my friend stopped talking to me. I constantly thought about it in the style of "how dare she not communicate with me." I started working on the practice of forgiveness. I realized that initially our communication began when I was in the position of the victim. I asked her for help, she was always a helping calming angel. And then I started reading your, Oksana, books. I confess, there was a period when I was terribly infuriated by what was written there. So I was given an analysis of my behavior :) I read books and started sending out, gradually I became more cheerful, more people began to communicate with me, unexpected gifts began to appear. I am glad that I began to leave the position of the victim. And I’m glad that we don’t communicate with that friend anymore, we can rarely say a few words to each other kindly, but I don’t want to be friends with her anymore, I feel good with myself. I had a fault for the fact that I answered her rudely, offended her, and yet she helped me when it was very difficult for me. Your article showed me another side of our communication.
I worked on an episode of our quarrel about the practice of forgiveness, wrote letters, but until now, when I remember this situation, I almost shake with anger and from the fact that I think that I HAVE to apologize and be friends with her again, and I I don’t want to, and if I don’t want to, then I’m bad, she did me so much good, but I’m not grateful. I will re-read this article and work on it.
Thank you for writing about the environment. Now I will remind myself that I am not a victim of circumstances. Now I try to do this anyway, I don’t see those with whom I don’t want or I reduce communication to a minimum, I began to use the simpleton method, I somehow get it by myself at the right time, and if my parents watch TV, then I quickly do things in this room and go to another room and sew a dress for myself, read. Thank you, Oksana, for such a useful article!
06.02.2018 14:05:54
Irina, you can ask your friend for forgiveness (even mentally, imagining this situation), or write a letter. And the feeling of guilt will go away, and new and interesting people will definitely come into your life.
06.02.2018 13:10:58
Girls, I also found another interesting feature!
I check a man for lice with a photograph of Oksana D. (our trainer l.r.)
When I communicate with men, sometimes I show a photo of Oksana and ask what impression this girl makes on them. I say that the photos are from the Internet, I don’t know the girl, so they can tell the truth.
So vooot, I have already noticed one trend: men who are accommodating, smart, kind, money, usually speak admiringly (or at least neutrally) about Oksana. ...
But critics, lazybones, and domestic tyrants categorically do not like her in any photo! ...
Coincidence? --- I don't think!
Therefore, girls, we get rid of URGENTLY (and without delay) from shyness and tightness, from our complexes! We only attract reptiles, rednecks, and domestic despots into our lives!
When I entered the realtor, I automatically dismissed all my unenviable suitors! They shit themselves in their pants when they found out that I would have such a (communicative) profession!
So go ahead, allow yourself more, and you will go nuts as your environment starts to change!
06.02.2018 17:52:34
Thank you, Oksana, for the article) For me, she is very timely .. Just the other day there was a case when I realized that a "girlfriend" is not my girlfriend anymore ((Although the friendship is old .. but somehow all the "nasty things" are they accumulated towards me .. I’m just one of those who doesn’t give nasty things in return, but this harms me in the future, because a person does not understand that he hurts my feelings ..
Oksana, do you think there is a real female friendship? And how to attract such "real" ones into your life?)
Thank you))
07.02.2018 12:51:47
Real female friendship lasts up to 5-8 years. Then the boys begin, the loves, the rivalry.
There is no idealized friendship. This is an illusion. There is help, yes. There is cooperation and mutually beneficial interests (while we are looking for a husband, we go for a walk together, when there are children, we help each other to sit with them). But it is important to understand that this is a person of your gender. A mammal, with a poorly arranged brain, and as a result a rival.
In this case, there are no stupid illusions, and no one will ever betray you.
07.02.2018 05:54:59
I once sinned with envy. Thank God, I realized that it is not profitable for me, well, it draws energy from me! I prefer to take as allies those whom you envy: development takes place instantly and in the soul, getting rid of pride in real life.
07.02.2018 07:42:38
oh, I had the exact same thing!
I was terribly jealous of one girl that my ex loved before me.
But then I noticed how draining I was, and decided to just copy from her a lot of things that I envy in her (femininity, gentleness, ability to listen, ambition, self-love).
And indeed, I got better. And the desire to envy, and check her page a hundred times is gone.
08.02.2018 16:10:55
Hello Girls and Oksana! Thanks for the post, it arrived just in time. In the morning, a parent wrote to me at a discussion in the gazebo about gifts: "I think you played too much and it's time for you to go to kindergarten." And I answered not according to the method of a simpleton, and the whole day in the morning was spoiled by my bad mood and the fact that I took it all to heart. As for strangers, it's clear
but how would I have to answer in a common gazebo to her message to me using the simpleton method? Please tell me
01.05.2019 00:04:33
Good day!
Oksana, if that tyrant in the store pushed you and even rude, as if you pushed her, and not she pushed you, what would you do? To what extent are you ready to endure insults and attacks and give sweets in return?
By the way, I recently met a girl who behaved as you recommend in one of your books describing a friend who did not know how to boil large ears of corn in a small pot, because. they did not fit entirely. In a conversation with me, that girl also shrugged her shoulders and exclaimed: "Oh, what to do?" The answer was simple and obvious. And I, like a parrot, answered her every exclamation with a smile with the same phrase "do this and that." Apparently she wanted me to do it for her. I realized that she was completely insincere and she was a manipulator. I don't like this person.
We hope that when you study them in more detail, you will begin to understand much better who is who in the world around you.
“A blow to the nose is straight, obviously, and heals quickly. But a blow to your self-esteem in the right way at the right time can cripple you to death.”
~ Jay Carter, PhD
We have all encountered people who seek to somehow mock us, humiliate us and destroy our self-esteem. And it is not so important where you will encounter them - at work, at home, or in a circle of acquaintances. There will certainly be at least one person next to us who treats us much worse than we deserve.
And worst of all, they lower our rating in ways that are so subtle and non-obvious that other people may not always notice it. And if we try to explain how we feel, our tormentors will easily twist everything in their own way, exposing us as overly sensitive, selfish and prone to hasty judgments, turning us from victims into offenders.
I hope that as you study them in more detail, you will begin to understand much better who is who in the world around you:
1. They make you insecure
One of the methods of nasty people is to constantly keep you insecure. You never know when they'll throw a fit or do something that will piss you off.
For example, it may seem to you that you have reached an understanding, you have common topics for fun, and you, in general, have begun to trust this person. And so, when everything has been going on like this for some time, suddenly a vile person does something that crosses out everything that was before and again plunges you into a state of uncertainty and uncertainty.
You never know exactly how to feel about this person, and therefore create emotional crutches for yourself, convincing yourself that you do like him after all.
2. They enjoy projecting their feelings onto you.
The projection of feelings can be explained very simply: this is when a person takes their feelings as a basis, but makes you responsible for them. For example, a person who doesn't like you might tell you, "I think you don't like me."
They frame you in their projection, forcing you to explain and justify to them. And instead of thinking about the intentions of vile people, you start to doubt your own feelings.
3. They often try to manipulate you.
Manipulators seek power. Nasty people want to feel superior to you, and often make you feel like you owe them something. This behavior is common among politicians and managers.
For example, if you are asked to work overtime and you already have plans for the evening, your boss may try to convince you that work is more important than your plans.
And if you remind about those evenings that you worked overtime earlier, he will most likely try to turn everything in such a way that, allegedly, you were called to them yourself, or you worked out some kind of “service” of the boss.
4. They always try to force their opinions on others.
Nasty people like to label the people around them and then act like everyone agrees with them. For example, by saying "you are irresponsible", this person takes for granted that you are just such a person, and everyone around will agree with this characterization.
Nasty people label you because they are subconsciously trying to shatter your self-esteem instead of helping you deal with the real problem (if any). To help cope with the problem means to take on some of the responsibility, and vile people are not ready to do this.
5. Even when they tell the truth, they generalize and inflate it.
Beware of generalizations. Nasty people often use generalizations to make a molehill out of a fly. For example, if you forgot to clean the apartment, the nasty person might say, “You never help me” (translation: You forgot to clean the apartment) or “You are of no use” (translation: You forgot to clean the apartment).
And again, instead of tackling the real problem, they hit your self-esteem. The problem is that the apartment is dirty, not that you are useless or not helping.
6. They strike on the sly
“I don’t want to upset you, but ...” (Most likely, you will be upset about something now). “I don’t want to interrupt you, but…” (But I already interrupted!).
As a rule, nasty people who are about to hit you on the sly speak in a soft, sympathetic voice. Sympathy can be seen on their faces. They may seem like the nicest people - only here in the second hand behind their backs they hold a dagger.
7. They give double meaning to words.
Double meaning usually appears in phrases whose words say one thing, but the tone says something completely different. For example, nasty people may ask you in a mocking tone: “Well, how are you”? And if you answer, as you most likely want, “Get out!”, A vile person with a clear conscience will tell all his friends that you are in a bad mood today, and you rush at everyone, but he just asked how you business.
Nasty people are great masters of double bottom phrases. To observers, they may even seem harmless, but you immediately feel how they hit right on target.
8. They love to cut off conversations.
Another valuable tool of a vile person is to cut off a conversation in mid-sentence. If he asks you to tell something about yourself, be sure - he will cut you off before you finish answering.
Yes, and their questions are often tricky. If you are asked something like “Have you stopped drinking cognac in the morning?”, know that there is simply no right answer to this question. A vile person may even cut off the dialogue with you in the middle, leaving you alone with a bunch of unspoken thoughts.
9. They take you to the top and then cut off your wings
But when you really need help, a vile person will gently and unobtrusively switch your attention to your own negative traits. This way, he can cut off your wings in order to indulge his own sense of superiority and instill in you the confidence that you need him.
10. They use "double bullshit" on you.
"Double nonsense" is the meanest of all their tricks, because with it you will harm yourself both if you agree with them, and if you oppose them. For example, if you sign up for self-esteem courses, your “soulmate” may begin to envy you or believe that your increased self-esteem is threatening her with something. And in the end, you are faced with an ultimatum: "Either me, or your courses."
Of course, you are not going to give up established personal relationships for the sake of courses - but by doing so you deprive yourself of the slightest chance to make the slightest positive changes in your own life.
How to avoid the influence of nasty people
Now, having learned about 10 ways that vile people ruin your life, you not only have a much better idea of \u200b\u200bhow to counter them, but you also better understand both the vile people themselves and their intentions.
No wonder they say that knowledge is power. And even if we can't avoid some of the people in our lives, we can at least avoid their traps.
And after all, all that is needed for this is to pay more attention to the behavior of the people around us, and behave with them more confidently and assertively.
Help me ... they often say nasty things to me, but I don’t know how to answer and go into a stupor, I understand that I need to say something, but I don’t know ... they mock me because of this ... what do I do??? Thank you...
A person who speaks nasty things is low in soul. Respond with kindness to nasty things, believe me, this is better than the wisest rebuff. It is precisely kindness that evil is afraid of.
They don’t take offense at fools, just say so .. or you need to make everyone respect you .. but some individuals don’t understand the word .. so spanking is just right for them.
We must not pay attention to these nasty things, then there will be no point in telling you these nasty things. And not only externally, the main thing - internally. Remember, no one can offend us if we do not allow it.
Laugh with a mysterious look
Yes, you don't have to say anything. A stupor is the best solution. You show them that you are above their petty interests. Do not organize a market! You are just so well-mannered and noble.
And there is another way of aikido. They say to you, for example: "What are you staring at?" And you are so simple: "Staring" Or: "Where are you going?" And you: "Shit." that is, to use the force of the opponent's blow.
And also imagine yourself under a golden transparent cap, from the walls of which everything bad returns to the sender, but in a good, changed form. The latter always helps me. For serious showdowns, I surround myself with such a dome.
Hi, if in your opinion these people envy you or say nasty things about you for no reason, then there are several options:
1. Ignore.
2. Answer that it is not for this person to judge: "Do not judge and you will not be judged."
3. Ask why this person decided this way.
And in no case do not stoop to the level of this person and insult him. People tend to envy, make rash actions and quick conclusions, but you can also think and understand whether these people are right or not. We cannot be 100% sure that you are not the instigator of the conflict. So think first and then answer. Good luck and believe in yourself.
When they say unpleasant things to me, I say to myself: "So what?". Yes, I'm not sorry. “Maybe this person just said it on emotions, boiled up, he needs to speak out. Maybe he has a black streak in his life” and I’ll forget. Or "He must be annoyed that you do something better than him." If I notice that someone does not like something in me (character behavior), I try to change.
These people should not be ignored at all. And so, I think you need to work on yourself, learn to respond to people. But only not muck on muck. You need to answer in a way that they don't expect to hear it. Something like: "Yes, I am such a person. And why are you better than me?"
You see the question that one of the users of the site asked the Universe, and the answers to it.
Either people who are very similar to you, or your complete opposites, answer.
Our project was conceived as a way of psychological development and growth, where you can ask for advice from "similar" and learn from "very different" what you do not know or have not tried yet.
Do you want to ask the Universe about something important to you?
