Psychology of men in love: features and secrets. Psychology of love: building harmonious relationships between a man and a woman About love and people's relationships

Is it possible to have real feelings for several people during a lifetime, or does it only happen once? Is there love for life, and is there any point in expecting a new one? People get answers to these questions only in the darkest or happiest periods of their lives.

Some thoughts on feelings

About whether there is love for life, everyone will probably answer in their own way, given their own experience. According to one version, a person has not a single kindred spirit, but several who accompany us at various stages of life in order to teach something, to present the necessary experience for development. According to people who have experienced such meetings, communication with "one's own person" is unforgettable, filled with strong emotions.

Not everyone distinguishes between passion, falling in love and love, and therefore they tend to think that love is short-lived. And since people get hung up on a primitive and accessible form of love - passion, the attraction of opposites - other, higher forms of it are not revealed to them. Whether love lasts a lifetime depends on how seriously both partners work on their relationship.

Or maybe the whole point is to be able to manage your feelings, which are revealed after the perfect choice in favor of this or that person? After all, everyone can create a fairy tale out of relationships. The lack of emotions is initially compensated by skillfully directed attention, and then, with the advent of complete mutual understanding, feelings also mature.

What is love?

Falling in love manifests itself when meeting with a person you like in a feeling of euphoria, embarrassment, a feeling of "butterflies in the stomach", a hurricane of emotions and longing when a loved one is not around. To strengthen and maintain this feeling, it is enough to see each other rarely, and also to have little information about each other. In this state, it is necessary to manage your emotions so that under their influence you do not do stupid things.

In accordance with the psychology of love and gender relations, the connection between people exists on a spiritual, emotional, chemical, physical level. And after falling in love, it's time for love. But often this does not happen: communication is replaced by sexual relations, behind which people realize that they have no future. Love for life is possible when it turns out to turn love into trust, understanding, fidelity.

What is love?

Love is a feeling that comes to a person regardless of his age, beliefs, upbringing, life position.

Some people tend to call emotions a drug addiction, a disease, a kind of mental disorder. Yes, these people actually loved once. But in cases where love was immature, it turned out to be unhappy, so it brought a psychological attitude like the one that you should no longer open yourself to feelings.

Everyone knows that the first stage of love - the so-called passion - gradually passes, and instead of it there is a unity of souls, which is expressed in strong friendship, absolute mutual understanding, confidence in each other, sympathy. And the nature of further communication depends on how wisely the partners approach building relationships. Experts identify several common stages of relations for all pairs of relationships:

• honeymoon (the period can last up to six months and allows you to get rid of your fears);
• confrontation of vanities (passes when partners begin to objectively look at each other's shortcomings; at this time it is important to learn how to work with claims);
• true love.

The perception of another person as part of oneself is a manifestation of love that cannot be destroyed. People do not imagine reality otherwise than in the form of a common life. Those who are lucky enough to meet their soul mate are sure that feelings do not disappear, but only change their form. But without them, existence would be meaningless.

Love differs from falling in love with the desire to take care of a person, to sympathize, respect, show affection not only to him, but also to other people, to give everyone a wonderful mood. Love is the result of work on oneself, the desire to learn to live in mutual understanding, the willingness to work on preserving feelings.

Eternal love or addiction?

A person whose meaning of life is to serve the same partner is called a monogamist. In their perception, the rejection of feelings is like a global catastrophe. Their thoughts will be directed towards one person all their lives.

A person who is convinced that he is not able to live without the object of his love should discover an important truth: feelings come and go, their new forms, levels, shades appear. It is worth coming to terms with this and not bringing yourself to a heart attack, and not locking yourself up, but opening yourself to the world.

Unrequited lovers do not want to perceive the world otherwise than through the prism of their feelings, which forces them to suffer for many years.

What psychologists say

One should not expect and look for ideals that would "overshadow", "click", completely subordinating to oneself. Before finding love, it is recommended to show an unconditional attitude towards a partner, to reveal your generosity, not to spare spiritual warmth. And then, on the basis of nobility, a spark will first appear, and then a strong feeling will grow stronger and flourish.

All people are unique, so relationships with each person develop in a special way. But there are laws, relying on which, you can achieve the desired results. According to the psychology of relationships, love for life can be saved by showing tenderness, care, as well as negative experiences that should not be hidden. Indifference is more harmful than resentment.

In any family, disputes and conflicts are possible, and this is normal. The main thing in the process of searching for the truth is not to humiliate, not insult the other, not to underestimate his significance, not to lose sight of self-esteem.

The psychology of life and love in a couple suggests that there is no person who can satisfy all the interests of his soulmate. It should also be understood that addiction leads to painful self-awareness, vulnerability, depression.

For the stability of relationships, not only moral support is important, but also physical closeness, including caresses and touches of hands. But an excess of interaction encourages partners to move away from each other.

Mutual pastime is necessary, which is useful for strengthening relations. And if at an early stage people stayed together because of strong emotions, then later they need to take care of joint activities and hobbies.

Male psychology

Every girl, probably, asked herself the question of whether there is one love for life, given the natural practicality and earthiness of men who are not always able to express feelings.

In fact, a man can love one woman all his life. The only question is to find a person who is looking for love and is able to maintain constancy.

Male psychology in love and relationships differs from female psychology in that the representative of the stronger sex is able to withdraw into himself in the event of a quarrel. Therefore, it is important for a woman to be able to find an approach to her partner without pushing him away.

The peculiarity of the male psyche also includes the ability to switch to the appearance of a pretty girl, her form, but this is only a temporary phenomenon that does not cancel true feelings. If he used physical force against a woman, you should not believe all his persuasions: such a man will repeat the humiliating action repeatedly.

The lover will emphasize the advantages and advantages of his soulmate, the "flawed" one will only look for flaws in her and her relatives, while realizing that there are no ideal people. A loving person will do everything to share responsibilities, take part in any events in the life of a partner, and will not avoid activities that are not quite familiar to him.

Even if a man is silent, on a subconscious level, he compares and draws up a complete picture of his partner: how she endures conflicts, how time behaves with him. Outlook, the values ​​​​of his beloved for him should not remain familiar. In order to maintain a relationship, a man needs to experience admiration and interest in his woman.

What makes cracks

Constant tantrums, scandals and prohibitions, refusal of intimacy lead to the fact that partners are disappointed in their loved ones. Over time, irritation accumulates, and love can actually disappear.

In order not to aggravate such a period of life, it is not recommended to focus on the crisis, but to allow the relationship to mature. The psychology of love for life and the health of relationships is to give unselfishly. And then the donated is returned a hundredfold.

An easy attitude to problems is an integral part of a healthy relationship. If you perceive them as tasks, not problems, overcome obstacles with humor, this approach will eliminate possible "cracks".

Emotional control allows you to avoid loss of balance and destruction, and thereby maintain respect and love for life.

Finally, some practical advice from psychologists:

• In order for a man to feel important and necessary, it is necessary to allow him to feel responsible for his beloved. Ask him for all kinds of help: moral, material, friendly.
• At first, with the appropriate behavior of a woman, the fear of losing her, and then respect, fulfill their important function: a man strives for his partner, and he does not have time to look around, to search for "new prey". In marriage, it is important to learn to maintain this delicate balance between partners.
• Men's actions mean more than words. Therefore, women should build a relationship strategy based on facts, not what was said.
• A man needs warmth and affection no less than a woman. You just need to observe the measure in giving pleasant emotions.
• To understand the truth of a man's feelings, you should pay attention to his manner of clarifying the relationship. If he is afraid of breaking them, this means that he values ​​\u200b\u200bhis woman. Acquaintance with his friends, parents, at the initiative of a man, will be a confirmation of this.
• You should not compete with a man, because, due to his natural instincts, he has a desire for leadership. And the intention to surpass it will give rise to the spirit of competition.

What does compatibility depend on?

The duration of a successful relationship depends on compatibility, with regard to both the individual inclinations of each, and the ability to find harmony in difficulties.

The extent to which the needs of a partner are understood and alternative ways of interacting with him are found depends on maintaining interest and admiration for a person at the proper level, which is protection against betrayal.

Zodiac compatibility is of no small importance in whether partners stay together. But it would be a mistake to look for justifications for your behavior in astrological characteristics, because a person comes into the world to improve himself.

I came up with the idea for this article on the basis of consultations with clients who have ceased to be pleased, to satisfy their love relationships. At meetings, I constantly observed the devastating psychological and moral consequences of a certain type of love relationship, and came to the conclusion that such relationships most often do not correspond to the way I understand love for myself, nor to the ideal of love proclaimed by their participants. Analyzing the situations of clients, I have to pay great attention to work on the client's awareness that his relationship with his partner was built not on love, but on selfish satisfaction of the needs of each of the parties.

And at one fine moment (it happened in the subway) I was seriously puzzled by what to answer if I was suddenly asked the question: “What is true love? And is it really such that the relationship of the two is independent? Can you give an example? I began to reflect on these questions, to observe the attitudes of the people around me ...

My understanding of love was formed not only in the process of these reflections and observations, but, of course, on the experience of my own life, the hardest overcoming of a dependent relationship with my ex-husband. And now I will try to answer these questions, both to an imaginary client and to myself ...

First I would like to introduce the term "positive love". When any of us experiences strong feelings for another person, we always perceive them as love for ourselves. But is this feeling always positive?

What is the positive concept of love?

To say that love is the opposite of interpersonal addiction is not enough. Love relationships are based on the desire to grow and develop through their experience, and to help the loved one grow and develop as well.

It seems to me that if two people are able to realize their human potential, whether they are together or apart, then they create an intimacy that very naturally creates a relationship that includes trust and participation, attention and support, openness and independence, and LOVE. A close relationship between two loving people is built on mutual respect for the personality of the other, so a man or woman can achieve love if he is a holistic and confident person.

"Mature love is unity, provided that the integrity of individuality is preserved."

"Love from strength, not from need"- this, it seems to me, is the law of positive love.

Love is characterized by an awakening of vital forces, which can only be the result of an active orientation in many other areas of life. It allows those who love each other to take an "active interest in the life and growth of the one we love." If we do not have faith in ourselves, our sense of integrity and sense of security in life is threatened, and we become dependent on the approval and appreciation of others, whose approval then becomes the basis of our life path. We cannot part with such people, being in a single experience of a sense of unity and merging, and not feeling our integrity and independence. We do not feel like a person capable of taking an active position in life. If a person loves only one person and is indifferent to others (including himself as a person), his love is not love, but a symbiotic attachment, or extended egoism. Two people passionately attracted to each other take this state of "madness from each other" as proof of the intensity of their love. In fact, this can only prove the degree of prior loneliness.

Even accepting the fact that every relationship necessarily contains some element of dependency, we can still say what makes it predominantly dependent and destructive. This happens when an overwhelming infatuation with one person cuts off a person from life, closes him to experience, prevents him from being open, strong, free and positive in his interaction with the world. The problem of dependent relationships is rooted in a lack of solid foundations in life, which involves the development of internal abilities - interests, pleasures, skills - to counteract the desire to escape from real life.

In a healthy relationship, growing attachment to another person goes hand in hand with increasing recognition and appreciation of that person. In love, both people find new facets in each other that delight and bring pleasure. Partners who build their relationships as dependents pursue in their relationship the satisfaction of their need for security more than the recognition of the merits of the other.

The dependent nature of such relationships becomes apparent when they end in a sudden, complete, and vindictive breakup. Since relationships were the only essential contact with life for a person, their removal inevitably plunges him into a state of painful disorientation. The exploitation that permeates their relationship just becomes more open when the breakup occurs.

Here I want to add, in my opinion, an encouraging thought that if you are willing to work on yourself, the discovery of dependence in yourself is not a sentence at all, but precious knowledge that mobilizes you to overcome a number of weaknesses in yourself that have a destructive effect on any relationship. It is very important to keep the dependent elements, which are present in any human contact, from becoming lush blooms of dependence.

For this, love relationships must be helping. People who want to love each other must support each other in their strengths and weaknesses, albeit with a different approach to each. Weaknesses are understood as something undesirable, which may be difficult to correct. Strengths are welcomed, admired, used and developed. In both cases, there is loving attention, recognition of each other's individuality and a desire to bring out the best in each other. This may require gentle but constant reminders on the one hand, or encouragement and admiration on the other. But the goal of both is the same: support in order for the partner to become the best human being, based on the abilities really inherent in him.

At the beginning, I let it slip that, having puzzled myself with finding answers to the question of true love, I began to observe the relationships of people around me who are in love relationships. I didn’t have to look far, I found an example of quite healthy relationships in my daughter’s family. The relationship between my daughter and son-in-law was initially built on an honest and sincere discussion of each of their views on their own and joint future. They drew their future family and the main goals in life, they were looking for the main thing that connects them. Now these are open, kind and respectful relations, where loving people support each other in difficult moments, believe in each other's strengths and capabilities. They are happy for each other. Many evenings I have seen my daughter working with her husband so that he successfully passes the interview for a new job that will give him the opportunity for professional and personal growth. She was happy when he got this job, changed his entire wardrobe (the dress code was introduced at the firm), and there was not a shadow of concern in her for herself: that he would suddenly overtake her in something. His business trips abroad (and he travels abroad with his young leader), her success pleases her. He "pays" her the same. She is sure that he will always help her, support and reassure. And if she criticizes for something, she does not reject criticism thoughtlessly, but listens. After all, she, too, like him, wants to be the most-most for him. They constantly want to be worthy of each other, which pushes them to actively participate in life. They have great similarities and no less great differences, but this only complements and unites them. They are whole individuals, looking for growth opportunities for each other and for their relationship. Each of them respects the life that the partner has already built, they try to maintain their former interests. Where possible, they include them in relationships to expand their shared world. But they also set aside time (and feelings) for activities or friendships that would be impossible or inappropriate to propose to each other. Seeing such relationships, you feel peace for each of them.

Love relationships are at risk of unexpected changes, and not always, unfortunately, for the better. This may be due to the catastrophic breakup of marital relations due to the fact that new experiences were born, and the fact that two people decided to develop in different directions, which would not give the opportunity to be together. But where loving people were sincere and independent, and where they really loved, parting will not be their end, as individuals or as loving friends, will not become a reason for depression.

This sense of existential confidence in yourself and in your relationships is difficult to achieve and may not be common in our lives, as many social forces work against it, but if you wish, you can achieve a lot and make your relationships harmonious.

There is always a way out, and you will find it!

Good luck to you!

Love is the fundamental theme, which runs like a red thread through our whole life. Love is perhaps the most controversial and multifaceted feeling that everyone understands in their own way. Wikipedia says that love is “selfless affection and a feeling of deep sympathy”, with which I subjectively can only partly agree. Many people, for example, are close to the idea of ​​unconditional love, where there are no painful attachments at all. In ancient philosophy, there are such varieties love relationship as: eros - passionate and enthusiastic love, agape - selfless love, storge - tender and warm love. In the Renaissance, love was understood as the pursuit of beauty. In the last century, the psychologist Sigmund Freud tried to dissect and reduce her to "primitive sexuality." Freud's followers attempted to make the transition from a purely biological description to a "socio-cultural" description. But we are not interested in all these quasi-scientific and philosophical "stones". We live in real life, in real relationships. And in this article I will try to present my subjective understanding of how love manifests itself in relationships with living people.

Love and Relationships: Mutual Dependency

Why do we need it at all? If we imagine a certain average image of an inhabitant, according to the template of which all people on earth were created, perhaps one of the main features of this person will be his incompleteness. Probably, almost every thinking person periodically feels his own inferiority. We lack ourselves, and therefore we constantly want something. If it were otherwise, if a person were completely self-sufficient, he could sit forever in meditation, enjoying his own greatness, with which he does not need anything else from life. In fact, there is simply nothing to strive for, and there is no reason to live, because. he has already reached the ideal state. But, as we know, ideal people do not exist. At least we don't see them on city streets. Apparently, such people, not having time to run to the nearest cave, immediately go to "nirvana". But it's all poetry. The bottom line is that man is an inferior, incomplete being. And this incompleteness of ours is like an unfinished puzzle, which we are trying with all our might to complete with fragments from the outside world in order to feel the fullness of our own being. One of the most powerful ways to “fill” the inner emptiness in this way is love and relationships in which partners complement each other. The “best” partner is the person who possesses qualities that we willingly accept as additional fragments of our own inferiority of incompleteness. We enter into relationships, become attached and love for qualities that we ourselves lack.

When a lover cannot imagine his life without a loved one, this speaks of his clearly manifested fear of his own inferiority. In fact, at the same time, a person simply cannot be himself alone with himself. Without a partner, a lover is a lonely nothingness, exhausted by his own. And in such a relationship, the partner is ready to cling to his "half", like a drug addict in the next dose. It is an unhealthy, ugly addiction under the beautiful mask of love. When a lover receives a “dose” of attention from a loved one, addiction begins to intensify. When a loved one diverts his attention even for a moment, jealousy immediately begins to burn the lover. Dependence gives a sharp relationship, in which "from love to hate is one step." Next to a partner, a lover feels good, but any hint of distance immediately gives rise to terrible pain in the face of the threat to be alone again with his own inferiority.

In fact, such alleged love exists on the basis of the contrast of pain and high. When a person significant to us denies us love, we suffer from awareness of our own. The flip side of the coin is self-affirmation. When a significant person is subdued, we feel a blissful sense of self-importance, on which we inevitably become addicted. As a result, typical relationships come down to looking for new reasons for self-affirmation at the expense of a partner.

Fearing such experiences, "former" partners, in order to avoid attachment, begin to bind themselves. Such relationships are filled with jealousy, control, submission, humiliation, provocation, manipulation and painful games of cat and mouse, where the winner is the one who managed to maintain indifference to the partner. Some people, fearful of humiliating attachment, avoid serious relationships altogether. However, attachment to the “freedom” of being alone is also attachment. And such an allegedly “independent” person is most often just an example of an egoist who finds it easier to live alone than to show flexibility and change, building healthy relationships. And I'm not at all opposed to this approach. It's just that here you shouldn't engage in self-deception, reveling in your own supposedly freedom and supposedly self-sufficiency.

In early childhood, our insecurities were complemented by maternal warmth and care. We depended on our mother, received unconditional love and milk from her. But at some point there is a separation, the symbiosis of the child and mother is destroyed, and the little person finds himself alone with his own incompleteness. The craving for love in a relationship is largely an unconscious desire to regain the experience of wholeness that was lost in early childhood. With age, the lost integrity is projected onto the object of our love. In relationships, already an adult seeks to return the warmth, unity and love experienced once in childhood in the arms of a mother. Child love- taking love. And when an adult in a relationship seeks only to receive something for himself, he loves with childish, infantile love. In such a relationship, two adults, like hucksters who are afraid to give more than they should, try to grab their own, and feel deceived and devastated if the "deal" was unsuccessful. mature love Love is giving, not taking. A mature person does not depend and does not take, but creates and shares.

Love and relationships: maturity and awareness

In order to avoid painful dependence on a partner, one should be able to supplement one's own incompleteness with other meanings. It could be a job, a hobby, a friendship, a game, any activity that gives meaning to life and that makes you feel comfortable being alone. A mature person is a person who has played enough, experienced, who has known the pain of attachments and partings. Such experiences encourage people to build relationships on a fundamentally different basis. In a healthy relationship, two people are honest with each other because they are honest with themselves. A mature partner does not seek to bind you to himself, thereby satisfying his own inferiority. This is a transition from spontaneous and superficial love to deep and uniform love. This is a real turning point in the conscious life of a person. in a mature relationship partners are moving from “market” egoism to joint creation, in which boundless prospects for joint development open up before them.

Find love and it is not as difficult to start a relationship as it is to maintain and maintain these relationships. Often people are captured by fleeting negative states, and under their influence it seems to them that now, together with this person, their whole life will be just as negative. Infantile partners, almost anything, immediately rush to change statuses in social networks, delete photos, break ties. But they can’t even break off relations: they love, they hate, they part, converge, rush about, as if they themselves don’t know what they want. A mature person does not buy into temporary states, because understands that emotions come and go. A mature person in a relationship is repelled by experiences that capture a long period of time, on the basis of which the prospect of further development of love and relationships emerges quite clearly. A mature person breaks off relationships when he soberly realizes that further joint development is impossible. When building relationships, a mature person is able to understand many people and is in demand in society, but at the same time he himself shows selective intelligibility and sensitively filters the social circle. This is a psychological one, which becomes more and more strict with each level of development.

Mature relationships are not static, they are in dynamic balance because they are constantly evolving. Positive dynamics in the development of relations can occur through various fractures and grinding, but quarrels and scolding are the exception rather than a constant background in relations. During strife, partners sometimes communicate not so much with each other as with their fears from the past. But we live here and now. In order to sensitively respond to a spouse in a live conversation, it is worth perceiving a living, feeling person. A mature partner understands that next to him is not just someone “other”, another “fragment” of his life, but the same as himself - a living person who experiences, realizes, suffers and rejoices. Such awareness awakens sensitivity and respect for the partner. It becomes simply shameful to show cruelty and punish a living, conscious person. With such a conscious approach, you begin to truly hear and understand your partner.

An ordinary flawed person during communication does not listen so much as, as it were, checks the influence of the dialogue on his self-esteem. A conscious person tries to really hear and understand the interlocutor, to feel what exactly he is trying to convey. To come to harmony, you do not need many words, but you need to be able to hear. A mature person does not drag his old games and behaviors from the past. Your partner is not a frozen statue, and any stereotyped, mechanical reactions become a Procrustean bed into which we drive other people with our beliefs. Mechanical reactions, principles and rules without regard to real people kill relationships. Living relationships require an individual approach, sensitivity and awareness. New relationships are always built anew. And if this “building” turned out to be unstable, sometimes it is easier with the same person, or without him, to erect a new building based on new principles, rather than trying to resurrect a priori dead relationship.

Love and Relationships: Intimacy and Co-Creation

Relationships last when two people don't shackle each other with games of dependency and submission. The fewer requirements, conditions and imposed obligations in a relationship, the more comfortable people are with each other, the more stable such relationships will be. Man needs psychological freedom when he knows he has time and space for personal interests. And here we are not talking about “free relationships” at all, when everyone sleeps with whomever they want. Simply, to maintain a healthy relationship, even the closest and most open partners should maintain their individual integrity. Otherwise, dissolution in the inner world of a partner can lead to painful dependence, hatred and fear of parting.

True sincerity, openness and respect in love and relationships are possible when we are able to remain whole, when we are able to maintain the necessary distance so that after solitude, we can get closer again at a new level, enriching relationships with new experiences. The person next to you needs not painful affection under the guise of love, but understanding. If you look at your partner in love, defending your right to possess his attention, this is. With this approach for a lover, a partner is like a thing with which he wants to play on his own terms. The lover seems to say: “After all, I love you so much! Therefore, all your interests should serve my love!” Awareness and understanding help us perceive a partner as a living person, and not as an "object" of our passion. This, if you will, is respect for the partner, his interests and needs. If such respect is present, if there are no inadequate claims, a loved one will not shy away from a lover, “like hell from incense”, but, on the contrary, the society itself will choose an adequate and mature personality.

Proximity and openness is not exposing a partner, with the aim of quickly “sniffing out” everything, at the same time spit in the soul, and jump on. It's just that really close people are spared the feeling of loneliness. They are able to trust each other on the deepest level. And that trust comes with great responsibility. A person must be sensitive and conscious when in contact with the subtle facets of the soul of his partner. In such a relationship, when partners are silent, or even at a distance from each other, regardless of this, each of them feels spiritual fullness. In such a relationship, a special mental space appears, which the two "possess" equally, and in which they experience unity. And in this space something like non-verbal communication takes place, a contact that invisibly fills life and creates an atmosphere of mutual harmony. Life takes on an additional deep meaning. “for itself,” the mind easily devalues ​​and dissolves. But the mind cannot dissolve the living person next to you. And if this living person is of your level, your circle, if you have mutual acceptance and understanding, life automatically acquires a strong meaning not “for yourself”, and not “for him”, but “for us”. Such experiences are born not out of fear of losing a loved one, but out of the courage of a conscious life. So, we, overcoming egoism, go to the deep level of our own essence. Deep relationships promote self-discovery.

As already mentioned, a person is like an unfinished puzzle of mental data. In society, we temporarily fill our own voids with puzzle pieces that other people have managed to put together. Based on this logic, the best couple is complete opposites - people who have the minimum number of similar puzzle pieces. However, there is one key nuance here. For harmonious relationships It is not enough to have different pieces of the puzzle. These fragments must be from the same picture, otherwise they will not fit together. In other words, in a harmonious relationship, two, although they have different qualities, but they move in the same direction, and in the most important life issues they find a solution that suits both.

This simple concept with puzzle pieces makes it clear why both partners should develop in a couple. When one of the partners goes far ahead, the second one becomes a ballast. Neither the role of a ballast, nor the role of the one who drags this ballast on himself, will suit a healthy person. When the difference in the development of partners increases, alienation appears. Even being in the same room, partners of different levels will feel an insurmountable distance. Any "stagnation" in the relationship is eliminated by joint development. The freshness and novelty of relationships are maintained through joint development. Otherwise, life becomes a viscous quagmire.

It’s hard for us to endure parting, because. at the same time, we seem to lose a particle of our own integrity, in the place of which spiritual emptiness appears. Therefore, in a mature relationship, we remember that the partner is not our property. In a mature relationship, two people help each other develop, nurture their own integrity, avoiding dependence. The more pieces of his own puzzle a person has collected, the more comfortable it is for him to stay, both alone with himself and in the company of a partner. Absolute integrity is a level close to spiritual enlightenment.

The title of the article is "Love and relationships: on the surface and in depth." You can think of "superficial" as I briefly described a potential relationship in this article. And deep - how you can implement these relationships in your own life.

© Igor Satorin

I thank those who did not limit themselves to formal "thank you", but contributed

Problems in the field of love arise due to the fact that everyone often understands this feeling in their own way. Answering the question of what love is, psychology does not give a single definition of this phenomenon. Experts talk about many varieties of manifestations of love.

The Soviet psychologist A. V. Petrovsky defines love as an intense, intense feeling, physically conditioned by sexual needs and expressed in the desire to be as fully represented by one’s personally significant features in the life of another in such a way as to awaken in him a reciprocal desire of the same intensity.

Social psychology about love

Studying the works of other psychologists on love, we come to the conclusion that the term covers a much wider range of feelings and experiences. In the 70s, Canadian sociologist John Alan Lee identified three main types of love that occur between a man and a woman.

1. Pragma is a calm, down-to-earth feeling. Such relationships are often referred to as "love of convenience." And it doesn't have to be about self-interest. Pragmatists are more likely to be guided by ordinary worldly wisdom. They tend to treat marriage more as a common business than the desire for vivid romantic experiences. Great importance is attached to the fulfillment of the obligations assumed to each other.
2. Mania - love-obsession, love-addiction. At the heart of feelings lies jealousy and passion. We can say that people who are inclined towards this kind of love live in anxious expectation of the appearance of problems in relationships. And if they are absent, they themselves create them. For example, a woman constantly falls in love with married or otherwise unavailable men. Because the obstacles to the expression of love create the intensity of emotions necessary for her temperament.
3. Agape - selfless, selfless love, selfless devotion to a loved one. In the first place - concern for the well-being of the partner, even to the detriment of their own interests and needs. A person inclined towards this type of love can be happy if his partner knows how to appreciate his sacrificial nature and does not turn into a complete egoist.

True love, from the point of view of psychology, includes all three of the above manifestations of feelings. Since each of the aspects is important for True love always finds its expression in physical passion. Moreover, the attraction reaches such strength that a loved one becomes the only possible source of full sexual satisfaction.

True love also manifests itself in an active interest in the happiness and development of the one we love. People in love often treat their partner as a child whom they want to please, pamper and protect from adversity and sorrow. Moreover, the desire to give is not accompanied by regrets about the time, energy, and money spent. A loving person does not need compensation in the form of reciprocal care, since the very state of being in love gives him the necessary energy supply.

Despite this fact, there is a common misconception in society that to love means to lose means to always receive less than you give in a relationship. What is more profitable to be loved than to love yourself. However, according to the psychology of love, for a truly in love person, giving in a relationship is just as pleasant as taking. If you are experiencing something else, you may be nothing more than infatuated.

Finally, love always breeds a sense of responsibility. Responsibility for the fate of the person with whom we connect our lives, responsibility for maintaining good and sincere feelings for each other. Love is impossible without respect for the feelings of a loved one, his dignity. When making decisions affecting the interests of the beloved, his opinion is necessarily taken into account and is decisive.

Analytical psychology about love and relationships

The German psychoanalyst Erich Fromm made the following conclusions about the existence of two different feelings that are called love in psychology, but lead to opposite results:

1. Love according to the principle of being is a fruitful feeling that implies interest, care, pleasure. It can be directed both to a person and to an inanimate object - a flower, a work of art, an idea. Such love spiritually enriches, fills with energy, enhances the feeling of fullness of life. Generates a desire for activities that involve caring for the object of love.
2. Possessive love is a destructive feeling. It manifests itself in destructive passion, which does not enrich the life of the object of sympathy, but suppresses, stifles it.

The psychoanalyst argued that psychologically immature individuals, neurotics, are characterized by the same immature, neurotic love on the principle of possession. The first step to take on the path to building a happy personal life is to realize that love is not just a feeling, a vivid emotion. This is the same art as the ability to play a musical instrument, build buildings, perform surgical operations. And in order to succeed on the love front, the art of creating and maintaining relationships needs to be trained as hard as any other business.

To build a happy relationship, a person needs to reach a new level of consciousness. Analyze your feelings and experiences in relation to the object of passion, identify possessive motives hidden deep in the subconscious. Psychological sessions with the use of hypnosis techniques by a psychologist-hypnologist will help with this. Baturin Nikita Valerievich

The psychology of love - everyone should know this

There are many myths in our culture generated by people who have failed on the love front. These are the same immature personalities that Erich Fromm spoke about. The wrong conclusions that they have made based on their life experiences prevent them from finding happiness in a love relationship. Let's debunk the main ones.

1. "Romantic feelings are required only to justify the need for procreation, sexual desire." With the help of such a position, a person protects his wounded ego. The failure in love did not befall him because his personality was not attractive enough. It is better to pretend that love simply does not exist. That this is nothing more than a sexual instinct.
2. "You can't do without love." In fact, the role of a husband or wife can be skillfully performed even without falling in love with a partner. This is a social role. Emotional love is the level of interpersonal relationships.
3. "Love depends entirely on the person you love." In fact, the state of love lives within you. And the other person just turns it on. We fall in love not with the person himself, but with one of the facets of his personality, which coincided with our psychological projection. For example, a woman feels a desire for intellectual development, broadening her horizons. This desire can be realized in falling in love with a university professor, a person from a higher cultural class, a foreigner. Other personal qualities of a man will not be so important for her. And if the beloved ceases to satisfy her craving for new knowledge, then the feeling of strong attraction to him will disappear.
4. "All love is doomed to failure." Such a myth is generated by those who do not take into account the evolution of feelings. The problem is that people often mistake for love what it is not - the primary surge of feelings, the so-called love-mania, built on an endorphin high. is the same drug as a syringe. In the presence of the chosen one, the endorphin group begins to stand out sharply, you experience an increase in strength. In his absence, you experience withdrawal, strive to see the object of your passion as soon as possible. This state can last from six months to four years. That is, it is not love that is doomed to die, but only passion. The initial love must pass into a new quality.
5. “Love can only be for one person. And if something did not work out in a relationship, then all hopes for personal happiness can be buried. True love can be one for life, but this does not mean that relationships full of tenderness and passion can be built with only one specific partner. The so-called second half simply does not exist. Rather, in the course of life you can meet many such "halves" - suitable partners in temperament and mindset. And a healthy, spiritually developed person, not a neurotic, is able to establish good relations with almost anyone.

What is love: the psychology of relationships

If there were no relationships in your life, other people, you would not be able to focus on your inner world. In other words, without relationships it is impossible to feel your personality, individuality.

Psychologists do not get tired of reminding: in each of your new relationships, you first of all build a new relationship with the same person - yourself. Your partner is just an indicator of the evolution of your personality. If you are happy, then relationships with others will only increase these feelings. However, there is no person in the world who could compensate for your lack of inner harmony.

Your joy should not depend on other people and their attitude towards you. Only the ability to rely on one's own resources helps to maintain a state of inner happiness and warm feelings for a loved one for many years. The desire for symbiotic unity in relationships helps to overcome feelings of loneliness and own inferiority only for a short time. As soon as a close relationship with a loved one is threatened for some reason, the dependent partner will experience a state of intense fear, horror. That is why love is mistakenly called the source of suffering. The desire for symbiotic unity is manifested in the tendency to tolerate any relationship, no matter how bad it may be.

Psychology: how to understand if you love or not?

At the beginning of a relationship, when passion is boiling, it is difficult to figure out how deep our feelings for a partner are. As a rule, it is possible to understand that everything was nothing more than falling in love, only when difficulties begin.

To make sure that your feelings are real, you need to imagine yourself with your loved one in a difficult situation and analyze the emotions that arise. claims that if you are not ready to stay with a person, if he has a serious illness, then you do not love him.

Often we realize the true value of things only when we irretrievably lose them. Another effective technique is to imagine that your chosen one has died or that you have never met. How uncomfortable are these thoughts for you? Can you imagine your life without your lover?

Psychology of love and relationships - how to understand that you are loved?

Feelings are not always expressed in words. A man may be shy or reluctant to open his feelings for fear of scaring you off by an excessively high rate of convergence. On the other hand, some representatives of the strong half of humanity can talk beautifully about affection without actually experiencing it. To understand the true state of things, pay attention to the following actions and actions of a man.

1. It is difficult for a person in love to maintain eye contact. But at the same time, he often glances at the object of sympathy.
2. A man in love tries to demonstrate his best sides to the woman he likes, begins to carefully monitor his appearance.
3. He tries to spend all his free time with you.
4. A man is interested in absolutely everything about you. Your hobbies, dreams, preferences.
5. Making compliments, a man will admire not only your appearance, but also character traits.
6. He easily agrees to your requests and is always ready to help in solving problems.
7. An important indicator of the seriousness of feelings is that you appear in his plans for the future.

Try asking close friends or relatives what they think about the feelings of your chosen one. Own emotions often cover the eyes. And relatives who sincerely wish you happiness will be able to objectively assess how devoted a man is to you.

Psychology of men in love: features and secrets of his relationship

If you did not find signs of love in your chosen one, do not be upset. The psychology of love and relationships will give a hint on how to win the heart of a loved one. In the subconscious of every man lives 4 female archetypes.

• Eve - the keeper of the hearth, mother, cozy earthly woman;
• Elena is the archetype of the ideal lover, able to charm with her eroticism;
• Maria - comrade-in-arms, fighting friend;
• Sophia is a wise adviser, an ideological inspirer.

Love and relationships are different things. There are couples with fiery and bright love - and with difficult, sick, dysfunctional relationships. There are couples with perfectly built and mutually satisfying relationships, where, in principle, there is no love. Satisfaction, convenience, pleasantness - there is, it's hard to talk about love.

Love is one thing, relationships are another. There may be wonderful, well-established relationships, but no love. There may be passionate love, but no (not built, worthless, not established, or even difficult) relationships.

People rarely distinguish: they have love or established relationships, hence a lot of misunderstandings. For example, he and she love each other, but she does not know how to behave and constantly climbs into his affairs. For a while he endures, then begins to make claims. It may seem to them that this is somehow connected with the cooling of their love: no, this is not a question of love, but of established relationships.

Or: he is satisfied with an established relationship with her, but she is not satisfied that there is no love anymore ... She demands love (see Languages ​​of Love), but he does not understand: "We are all right? What else do you need?" She upsets the relationship, after which he begins to think, "Do I need it?"

People love to dream about love, but, as a rule, it is premature for them to think seriously about love. First of all, you need to think about relationships, if only because people usually don’t know how to manage love, but they can often build relationships.

I'll give a metaphor: it's great when the house is clean, beautiful, the windows are frilled, the pictures are hung, the music sounds - very cool. Only if suddenly the house is not yet completed, the floors are failing, there is no sewage system and the roof is leaking ... time to do ruffles, music and flowers? Probably not. First you need to strengthen the foundation. In many couples, relationships are like such a house: either unfinished or destroyed. It happens when people don’t take care of themselves for years, the relationship has already been ruined, then after that they say “add love” - what kind of love ?! You make a major overhaul before talking about love!

Most couples need to start by strengthening the foundation, and then curtains and tablecloths. ​
First, establish relationships, and create love - after all, later.

Difficult relationships put love at risk. If he and she love each other, but communicate and behave in conflict, do not know how to negotiate - they create difficult relationships and endanger love. On the other hand, well-established relationships contribute to the birth of love. If he and she create a relationship that suits them in all respects (light, comfortable, with a perspective), then friendship easily blossoms on this basis. If this is alive and sexual attraction, then love easily flares up. Good relationships, caring for each other is the basis of love.

But only the basics. Whether love will arise on this basis is another question. Indeed, there are well-established relationships, everything is fine, everything is fine, but beauty is absent, and joy is not. Don't worry, there's a little more to do. If your relationship is strong and kind, you have created a foundation on which to build a house of love. Love will be, love will definitely come if your soul is healthy, and you create good relationships joyfully and with desire, you have learned to create with joy and desire. Take care of him, and from this - you have joy in your soul. Indeed, are you not happy when you can surprise, help, warm your loved one?

Video from Yana Shchastya: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.