“No one owes anything to anyone” is the main rule of life. No one owes nothing to nobody? Nobody owes anyone anything

No one owes nothing to nobody. Forget the word "should". Throw it out of the active vocabulary.
(c) Quote

In 1966, investment analyst Harry Brown wrote a Christmas letter to his nine-year-old daughter that is still quoted today. He explained to the girl that nothing in this world - not even love - can be taken for granted.

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Hello, honey.
It's Christmas, and I'm having the usual problem of which gift to get you. I know what makes you happy - books, games, dresses. But I am very selfish. I want to give you something that will stay with you longer than a few days or even years. I want to give you something that will remind you of me every Christmas. And, you know, I think I picked a present. I will give you one simple truth that I had to learn for many years. If you understand it now, you will enrich your life in hundreds of different ways and it will save you from a lot of problems in the future.

So, no one owes you anything.

It means that no one lives for you, my child. Because no one is you. Each person lives for himself. The only thing he can feel is his own. If you understand that no one should organize your happiness, you will be freed from expecting the impossible.

This means that no one is obligated to love you. If someone loves you, it means that you have something so special that makes him happy. Find out what it is, try to make it stronger, and then you will be loved even more.

When people do something for you, it's only because they want to do it themselves. Because there is something about you that is important to them—something that makes them want to like you. But not because they owe you. If your friends want to be with you, it's not out of a sense of duty.

Nobody has to respect you. And some people won't be kind to you. But the moment you learn that no one is obligated to do you good, and that someone can be unkind to you, you will learn to avoid such people. Because you don't owe them anything either.

Once again, no one owes you anything.

You must become the best for yourself first of all. Because if you succeed, other people will want to be with you, they will want to give you things in exchange for what you can give them. And someone does not want to be with you, and the reasons will not be in you at all. If this happens - just look for other relationships. Don't let someone else's problem become yours.

The moment you realize that you need to earn those around you, you will no longer expect the impossible and you will not be disappointed. Others are not required to share property or thoughts with you. And if they do it, it's only because you earned it. And then you can be proud of the love you have earned and the sincere respect of your friends. But you can never take all this for granted. If you do this, you will lose all these people. They are not "your right". You need to achieve them and “earn” them every day.

It was like a mountain off my shoulders when I realized that no one owes me anything. While I thought I was due, I was putting in an awful amount of effort, physical and emotional, to get what was mine. But in fact, no one owes me good behavior, respect, friendship, politeness or intelligence. And the moment I realized that, I began to get much more satisfaction from all my relationships. I focused on people. And it has served me well - with friends, business partners, lovers, salespeople and strangers. I always remember that I can get what I need only if I enter the world of my interlocutor. I have to understand how he thinks, what he considers important, what he ultimately wants. Only in this way can I get something from him that I need. And only by understanding a person, I can say whether I really need something from him.

It is not so easy to summarize in one letter what I have been able to understand over the years. But maybe if you re-read this letter every Christmas, its meaning will become a little clearer for you every year.
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Recently, on the Internet, I found an article that was addressed to the reader, inviting him to live with this thought: "No one owes you anything", "No one owes anything to anyone." Moreover, these ideas were presented as the practice of everyday life. Indeed, through the media, films, magazines, we hear similar ideas that supposedly help a person, make his life comfortable. If you don't have expectations, then you won't be disappointed. And is it really so? Could this really be the case?

Below, in this article, I want to reflect on this topic, to show a different, alternative view of these ideas. I start from a simple motive: I want people to learn to think for themselves, regardless of the colorful and attractive liberal ideas that flood our lives. And if what I will say below prompts the reader to think and act, then the task of this article will be solved.

When I hear the words “no one owes anything to anyone”, I get the feeling that this is being said by a person who does not have any social responsibility. In fact, a person lives in a society. And within the framework of public life, he has obligations to other people.

“No one owes anything to anyone” and “one should not have expectations from other people” - this idea is inherently false and harmful, only for the simple reason that there is no dialogue in this idea, no interaction between people, no agreements, no relationships. This idea destroys the collective identity. Since no one owes anything to anyone, it turns out that a person can do without another. The idea reflected in the title of the article can be safely called the motto of the society of egoists. But in reality, we are seeing something completely different. Without his own kind, a person ceases to be a person, because only in dialogue with another, a person retains himself, his humanity. Even Robinson needed Friday to remain human.

Living in a society, it is impossible not to have expectations from other people, since our expectations are one of the foundations of dialogue and agreements. The social life of people is an agreement. We are always with someone and agree on something. And it doesn't matter whether these agreements are formal (constructed into laws, rules) or informal. Social norms and agreements are just manifestations of human culture. Animals have no social norms. They only have instincts. Reader who shares the idea in the title, do you want to live by instinct alone?

People who say that they have no expectations are deeply mistaken and deceiving themselves and others. There are many examples of this: when a person comes to a doctor, he expects that he will be helped, that the doctor will treat him. When we send our child to school, we expect the teacher to teach. From loved ones, we expect at least acceptance, dialogue, feelings. Even at the end of the month, we expect to receive our paycheck at work. And this is also an expectation. A person who can give nothing to society is useless for it. And society is getting rid of it.

If you follow the idea that no one owes anything to anyone, then there will be no agreements between people. According to this idea, people should react calmly or at least indifferently to the violation of existing agreements and borders. Then why do people have resentment towards each other? Resentment is a demand in disguise. As long as humanity has existed, this social emotion has always existed, which means that people have always had expectations from each other. If this idea were viable, people would have removed resentment from their lives long ago.

How do you like this situation? A young woman who has a child will say: “But I owe nothing to anyone and no one owes me anything. And therefore I will not sacrifice my time, my career for the sake of the child. Many of the women will say that this is unacceptable. Or imagine a situation where during the Second World War people would say: “We don’t owe anything to anyone, so the bayonet to the ground.” The consequences of such statements are not difficult to imagine. Such a society is not viable.

Dialectics

Our life is full of contradictions, we ourselves are constantly faced with them. But what can I say - a person as an entity, he is contradictory. And not because something is wrong with him, but because life is so arranged. Take any social phenomenon, process, essence, and you will find that there are always contradictions in this. This has been proven mathematically. I recommend to the curious to get acquainted with Gödel's incompleteness theorem.

We are both masculine and feminine at the same time. We are strong and weak at the same time. We can say about ourselves that we have time and we don't have it. And there are many such examples. Contradiction at the level of language and meaning are opposite poles. Any problem in human life is a collision of contradictions. People, when faced with contradictions in life, want to take and discard one of the poles. For example: I want to be strong and do not admit my weakness. I want to always do the right thing - and do not admit mistakes. But since the dialectic of life lies in the fact that there are both poles, it will not be possible to completely discard it. Contradictions can only be reconciled (from the word "reconciliation") by finding a synthesis. If you like, a balance of one and the other pole.

The idea “no one owes anything to anyone” is just one of the poles. The second, opposite pole is the idea “everyone owes something to someone”, or very often people say to themselves “everyone owes me something”. When a person thinks that everyone owes him, we are talking about the personal irresponsibility of such a person. And when no one owes anything to anyone, this is social irresponsibility. It turns out that people who offer us to live in this idea, offer us to go from one extreme to another. Live as a socially irresponsible individual. A good choice. What is more terrible is that such proposals can often be heard from some fellow psychologists who broadcast this not only to themselves, but also to their clients, offering ideas of the egoistic existence of individuals. I specifically emphasize individuals, not personalities, since personality is formed only in dialogue. As the saying goes, "they don't know what they're doing."

Why is this idea attractive?

In part, I answered this question above. Some of my colleagues offer this idea and "stand for it" as a universal recommendation for those who have problems with personal responsibility, disguising it as "personal development", "responsibility for one's own life", etc. But in addition to personal responsibility, there is also social responsibility. And indeed, when a client comes up with the idea that “everyone owes me”, the face shows a lack of responsibility for what is happening in his life. It is like a pendulum at one of the poles. And the psychologist offers him another pole. Essentially the same, but on the other side. This is a dialectical feature. And what then is "personal development" here? Change of sewing for soap. Perhaps for a person who is totally irresponsible in relation to his own life and has never been in the opposite pole, the transition to the other pole, perhaps with a stretch, can be called "personal development." I doubt.

On the other hand, for ordinary people, this idea is also attractive in that it can act as a very powerful shield, so as not to enter into certain experiences, so as not to bind oneself with duty or obligations when it is not particularly profitable. In general, the same picture of irresponsible behavior.

Take and give. Interchange.

Living in a society, a person is in dialogue and in expectations regarding other people. And in our social relations, we are very often in the process of mutual exchange. Dialogue without it is impossible. In this regard, I recalled the works of the famous German psychologist and philosopher B. Hellinger, who described the process of “give and take” interchange. Let's think about this from the position of interchange and the ideas of B. Hellinger.

When I am offered the idea that “no one owes me anything,” there is common sense in this, which encourages me not to build excessive expectations and demands on other people and take responsibility for my life. Great idea. I share it completely. But, as I said, there is another pole. Hellinger writes that when we give something to another person, we must definitely give him the opportunity to give something in return. Having taken something from another, we become indebted to him (we go into the “take” pole), and in order to restore balance, it is necessary to go into the “give” pole so that there is no feeling of guilt. People who tell us “you don’t owe me anything” break this process, do not allow a person to “give back”, to restore this balance. Hellenger writes that those who only give and do not take at the same time (forbid themselves to take), in a sense rise above people, generating a sense of guilt in those who gave. It is easy to guess that in the lines described above, this is nothing more than a violation of the balance and going either to one pole or to another. But life is dialectical!

Conclusion

"And what is offered?" the reader will say. The author said a lot, but did not offer anything? The way out of the contradictions that were discussed is in their synthesis. The idea is that we should and shouldn't at the same time, that someone owes us something and shouldn't at the same time. We should and shouldn't. Simultaneously, in the unity of this “should” and “should not”. The question is in the context, place, time, situation, Measure - as a unity of the categories of quantity and quality in its integrity. A person cannot separate himself from society either physically, psychologically or culturally, otherwise he will cease to be a person. Even a recluse monk is in dialogue with God! Without people, but in dialogue, respectively, psychologically, he is already in society. How can culture, as an essence, be taken away from a person? Only if you turn it into an animal (such successful experiments were carried out by the Nazis), but, in this case, there was a piece of social, and, consequently, cultural interaction between people.

And how can these contradictions be reconciled? The key to this is in the cultural experience of man and mankind, in fairy tales, fiction, stories, myths, proverbs. This is a source, a whole storehouse of "solutions" for the synthesis of irreconcilable, at first glance, things.

I want the reader to think, to think independently, wholely, to be able to separate or “reflect” those ideas that fill our modern life. And since not all ideas are equally useful, I was able to figure out what is “good” and what is “bad”. This is my expectation from the reader. As the philosopher Merab Mamardashvili said, "The devil plays with us if we do not think accurately." And I would like to see not the Devil playing us, but God. And you?

BeautyHack columnist Dahlia Genbor proves why you are free from obligation.

Many are outraged by this formulation, they say, we will slide into a society of self-centered, cynical and indifferent people, this is the path to degradation and destruction of the very essence of humanism. But I am sure that no one really owes anyone anything. Here are the simplest examples.

1. Shouldn't you listen to your friend who is in trouble?

No, it shouldn't. I will definitely listen to her, try to support morally and help, if it is in my power, I will be next to her, I will console and encourage, amuse or cry with her. It's not a debt. This is friendship.

2. Shouldn't you support your husband when he's in trouble?

No, it shouldn't. I will take on the bulk of everyday problems, help him find a specialist in the problem that has arisen, if necessary, I will support his family, I will discuss the problem with him and look for ways to get out, I will try to cheer him up and let him know that he is not alone with trouble . It's not a debt. This is a concern.

3. Shouldn't you create a comfortable environment for your child to develop and grow up?

No, it shouldn't. I will be attentive to children's desires and feelings, I will try to raise a person who is confident in himself and has basic trust in the world. I will listen and hear, I will try to take into account the individual abilities of the child, I will make every effort to ensure that he is happy. It's not a debt. This is Love.

4. Shouldn't you help an elderly woman with a heavy bag?

No, it shouldn't. I will help her get on the bus or train, give up her seat in the transport, hold the door or carry the bag to the elevator. It's not a debt. This is kindness.

5. Shouldn't you build normal relationships with colleagues?

No, it shouldn't. My work responsibilities, fixed by the job description, do not include the presence of friendly relations with colleagues. I maintain an informal style of communication, go to birthdays and corporate parties with them, share funny stories. It's not a debt. This is friendship.

6. Shouldn't you save a hungry stray kitten?

No, it shouldn't. I will try to find good hands for the kitten, feed and cure him, or help pay for food and treatment, because he is small, defenseless and will disappear otherwise. It's not a debt. It's a pity.

7. Shouldn't you admire those who accomplish the difficult and almost impossible?

No, it shouldn't. My subjective judgment about the need for these accomplishments and overcomings is purely my own business, and I can equally admire these people and consider their actions meaningless and useless. But I won't judge them anyway. It's not a debt. This is respect.

8. Shouldn't you help sick people?

No, it shouldn't. I really want everyone to be healthy and happy, but for objective reasons this does not happen. I can and do transfer quite small sums to help in those cases when I consider it necessary and correct. It's not a debt. This is empathy.

9. Shouldn't you respect your parents?

No, it shouldn't. Respect cannot be imposed, it can only be earned. But I will take care of my parents and try to make their old age as comfortable as possible, because I understand how difficult it is for them now, and I realize that no matter how I evaluate their actions towards myself, they wished me well, and I am me because they raised me that way. It's not a debt. This is gratitude.

10. Shouldn't you hide your feelings if you were given a gift that you don't like?

No, it shouldn't. I will smile and thank you, even if I mentally sent the “gift” to the trash, because I would rather assume that the person was sincerely mistaken about my tastes and preferences, rather than deliberately wanted to offend me. Most likely, he wanted to please me, but it did not work out. It's not a duty, it's a courtesy.

So if you owe something to someone, then you borrowed it yourself, and give it yourself. Everything else is not about that. You should not. You just can.

Remember, you don't owe anything to anyone. 15 things we shouldn't report or make excuses for. Many of our decisions raise questions and comments from others. Family members, friends, and even strangers somehow always have an opinion about how we should behave, how we should look, who we should talk to, and how we should build relationships. Sometimes these people go so far as to demand that you explain your personal choices in life. Popular psychologist and blogger David William believes that you absolutely do not have to answer when you are asked about 15 things:

1. You don't have to explain your life situation to anyone.

If you live in a civil marriage, or wander from one rented apartment to another, or live with your parents, although you are no longer twenty, you are not obliged to report to anyone why you are doing this and not otherwise.

If you are fully aware of your life situation, then this means that you have your own reasons for keeping it that way, and they do not concern anyone.

You have your own thoughts about what can be done for the comfort and happiness of your loved ones and yourself - that's your top priority. T

Because we are all unique individuals with different values, dreams, and aspirations, one person's priorities will invariably differ from those of another. You determine your own, and do not have to report to anyone.

3. You don't have to apologize if you're not sorry.

If you don't regret your actions, still think someone was wrong, or don't really need forgiveness, you shouldn't apologize. Many people try to apologize too quickly in order to quickly heal wounds that are not yet ready for such a “treatment”.

This can only worsen the situation. You don't really need to ask for forgiveness if you don't feel guilty.

4. You don't have to justify your time alone to anyone.

Many people are afraid of being called "rude", "anti-social", "arrogant" if they cancel plans or refuse invitations because they need some time to be alone with themselves to relax, "reboot" or just read a good book.

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In fact, such lonely timeouts are a completely normal practice that most of us need. Take them confidently and don't bother with explanations.

5. You don't have to agree with anyone's personal beliefs.

Just because someone speaks passionately about their beliefs, you don't have to sit back and nod in approval.

If you do not share their ideas, it is unfair to yourself and others to pretend that you agree with them. It is better to calmly object to them than to accumulate disapproval and disappointment.

6. You don't have to say "Yes"

You have every right to say "No" unless there are good reasons for agreeing. The greatest success in all areas is achieved by people who have mastered the art of giving up everything that is not their priority.

Recognize the kindness of others and be grateful, but feel free to say “No” to anything that diverts your attention from your main goals.

7. You don't have to make excuses for your appearance.

You can be slim or plump, tall or short, handsome or ordinary, but you don't have to explain to anyone why you look that way.

Your appearance is solely your business, here you are obliged only to yourself. Don't let your appearance define your self-worth.

There are certain foods that you just don't like for a variety of reasons, from taste to how they affect your health.

If someone pesters you with a question about why you eat (or don't eat) certain foods, ignore it and answer that you feel good eating that way.

9. You don't have to report your sex life to anyone.

If you are in a close relationship with an adult by mutual agreement, then no one cares where, how and when you arrange your sex life.

You can wait for marriage, engage in casual relationships, and even experiment with a person of the same sex as you - as long as you enjoy it, this is entirely up to you.

10. You don't have to explain your career or personal choices to anyone.

Sometimes circumstances force us to choose between work and personal life. This decision is not always easy, and you may end up choosing a job - not because you don't care about your family, but because this choice will give you security in the future.

In any case, you do not have to explain to others why you chose the profession (or vice versa) if you are sure that you are doing everything right.

11. You are not required to explain your political or religious views.

Whether you are a Democrat, Republican, Catholic, Protestant, or Muslim, that is your personal choice. You don't have to explain your faith. When someone can't accept you for who you are, that's their problem, not yours.

12. You don't have to explain why you're single.

Whether you are married or not, married or not, should not concern anyone but you. Loneliness is not a personality disorder. You are free to choose whether to enter into a relationship or not.

Just remember: you are not your marital status. No need to stick on yourself and others useless social labels.

Someone may be nice and cute, but you don't have to date them. If you feel deep down that you don't need this meeting, then don't go to it. Find a reason for rejection and don't change your mind.

14. You don't have to explain your marriage decision to anyone.

Whether you want to get married and have children or stay single and childless, it will remain a personal decision.

Even if your mom just raves about her grandchildren, she will have to come to terms with your life choices, no matter how difficult it may be.

15. You don't have to explain your relationship choices.

Sometimes people make inappropriate remarks about your romantic relationship. Surely someone said that you are "not the perfect couple" or that you need to look for someone else. However, in this matter you are not accountable to anyone but yourself.

Live your own life and never end or stay in a relationship just because someone tells you to. Make mistakes and learn from them - that's life.

"No one owes nothing to nobody!" - I said thirty years ago in the book "How to treat yourself and people: practical psychology for every day." Since then, an equal number of people have sent me both fiery thanks for this position, which gave them wisdom and peace of mind, and no less fire-breathing claims from those who began to think this way, treat people this way and as a result ruined their lives.

I quote the original source:

I wake up early in the morning, I need to quickly get ready: I'm flying on a business trip. I understand that I don’t have time anymore: things are not all packed yet, but it would be nice to have breakfast. My wife is lying down, but she could probably get up and help me ... I am already ready to express my reproaches to her, but I immediately stop myself: “Does this woman, your beloved wife, owe you something? you want her to get up and help you, what should you do? - ... It's good to ask her: so that she wants to help you. And if she gets up and does everything, what will her husband have to say to her? - Thanks. And if he doesn’t get up (“I didn’t get enough sleep, the child didn’t let me sleep all night”), what should the husband do? At least not to be offended, and maybe even apologize for the trouble.

I wonder if wives would like to have such husbands? - A husband who will always turn to her only in a kind way, will never reproach her, but will thank her for her help and care from the bottom of her heart? Yes, many people dream of such a husband. But, probably, then husbands would also like to have such wives. Imagine: a husband goes home - and is not afraid to go home, because his wife never swears! Why swear something: after all, he owes her nothing. And always grateful for the good.

Yes, my husband just came home - this is already a gift. The appearance of the husband home is a real family holiday!

Cool... So I made a gift for those husbands who dragged themselves home from drinking and announced to their wife that now she had a holiday! It seems that my long-standing mistake is that I always focus on decent people. I am always surrounded by very worthy and decent people, I am used to this environment and somehow seem to forget that most Russians live much more diversely. I write articles, assuming that around you are the same beautiful and worthy people as around me - but isn't that always the case?

So, things are a little more complicated. Let's figure it out?

If you need to ask for help, don't let the thought "No one owes anything to anyone" stop you. Yes, no one should help you, but many will gladly help you: not because they have to, but because they treat you well. You yourself are also often ready to help, although it seems that you should not? If you use the slogan "I owe nothing to anyone" in order not to care about anyone and not be responsible for anything, then this is also, as accountants put it, "misuse." A real man should have his business, and you are responsible for your business. Only small children and adults with the psychology of a child avoid responsibility, while it is an honor for a strong and decent person to take on and be responsible for a lot.

"No one owes anything to anyone" is about something else.

Everything starts from childhood. Once we were small, our parents took care of us. Moreover, it was so natural for us that we put into our subconscious that someone should take care of us, should respond to our needs and respond when we feel bad. Mom used to do this, and we decided that this is how the whole world should behave ...

Really, it's funny?

There is a whole direction in psychology called cognitive behavioral therapy, the main feature of which is that they explain to their clients over and over again that they are no longer children and believe that they, adults, today their friends, children, owe something , neighbors and the government - is already unreasonable. Inadequate. They have long boring conversations on each specific issue, this is useful, but it seems even simpler and more reasonable (at least for reasonable people) to agree immediately in a package: "Childhood is over. And today no one owes us anything, adults."

So? Deal?

But that magic word sounded: "agreed." Adults know what agreements are. And if you have agreed on something, then now you have to do something. What we agreed on, we must. And if you have not agreed yet, then this is your concern - negotiate.

Let's look at an example. Suppose a husband wants his wife to iron his shirts. You are a husband. Immediately: do you have clear agreements obliging your wife to iron your shirts? For some reason, I assume that you do not have such agreements. Most likely, you have some traditions and established order of things, according to which your wife usually does this if you have not quarreled with her. So - there are no clear agreements, there are no responsibilities. Your wife is not supposed to iron your shirts. Not required. But if you ask in advance and kiss her on the cheeks in advance, I'm sure she will iron your shirts. And even with pleasure. Moreover, she also turns to you with requests, and it is better for close people to be useful to each other.

I don't even talk about love now. Love does not fall from the sky (at least you can’t count on it for a long time), but if you created it and support it, your wife will take care of your shirts herself, and iron them not just, but with pleasure. Just create such a relationship! This is such a job. Can you handle it?

And the last topic is perhaps the most difficult: the topic of exactingness. Warm relationships begin with interest, desire and love, but continue (in smart people) with format and exactingness. You may know inside yourself that "No one owes anything to anyone", but if you care about long-term relationships and maintaining decency, then you will definitely take care of the format.

Hurry up, the format is easy to establish at the beginning of a relationship and much more difficult later. When a man courts a woman, at first he is ready for a lot and it is easy to "build" him. Golden time! While the girl is passionate, she is also amenable to formatting. Later, no more. After - discussion, disassembly, accustoming, which is always longer and more difficult. The format of the relationship must be set initially: it doesn’t matter if we are talking about jealousy, rudeness, or egocentrism.

The same with children. If you allowed the children now to respond with a disgruntled "Now!" at your request, then after a while you will encounter a clear disrespect for you. You are obliged to educate them, therefore agree with them that if the mother asks, then the children do. When and if you inspire them that they really should treat their parents with respect, I congratulate you, you have done a great job. And if this is not there yet - do not be angry, children are not obliged to meet your expectations right away. Nobody promised you an easy life.

Note that I am not saying anything about the prohibition of being angry at children loudly. If suddenly sometime it will be appropriate and add weight to your words - fine, everything is good in the performance of smart people, if only it leads to good, not crooked results. You can suggest to them that they owe it, but that is a suggestion for them, not a belief for you. If you instilled this in them and they believed you, they became obligatory and responsible people - you are great. If not yet and continue to believe that all household chores do not concern them, that they do not owe anything to anyone - do not worry. The world has no obligation to provide you with well-bred children, you have received ordinary wild ones. Inside yourself - smile, thank the world for the gift of children, and again - for the process of education!

The knowledge "No one owes me anything" is the protection of your soul. But when you look at children, think about something else: "What should they grow up to be like? What can I do for this?" And - go ahead! Do not resign yourself ahead of time! You can do a lot! Don't give up!

Videos from Yana Happiness: interview with professor of psychology N.I. Kozlov

Topics of conversation: What kind of woman do you need to be in order to successfully marry? How many times do men get married? Why are there so few normal men? Childfree. Parenting. What is love? A story that couldn't be better. Paying for the opportunity to be close to a beautiful woman.