“I don’t want to be a mother,” or Torture of motherhood. "I don't want to be a good mother. I don't like being a mother."

In our society, it is not customary to sincerely talk about how we really feel. Especially young mothers. Otherwise, we risk running into criticism. Moreover, it is completely incorrect.

Say out loud that you're tired? Get the answer “Why did you give birth then?” Complain about the futility of your efforts? - “What did you expect?” Declaring out loud that you are disappointed in your own motherhood? - you will be anathematized and burned at the stake of furious condemnations.

I love my children. Very. But that doesn't mean I enjoy the whole process of motherhood.

It pisses me off that they don't let me sleep in the morning. I want to cry at the sight of porridge smeared on the freshly washed floor. I shudder from screaming throughout the entire apartment “Mommy!!! I pooped!” I am very tired of constant activity, the result of which disappears in exactly 5 minutes.

I don't want to do what I don't like. I don't want to step on designer parts. I don't want to get up in the middle of the night to turn on the light in the toilet. I don't want to change diapers a hundred and fifty times a day and wipe up spilled milk. I don't enjoy making pureed puree for hours that will be smeared all over my head in three minutes.

I don’t like being the person whom every passerby considers it their duty to rub his nose in his hypothetical mistake. It is completely normal for our society to approach a tortured young mother and say that she is taking care of her children completely wrong. Well, honestly, how many times a day does each of you receive comments like “he’s cold” or “she’s hungry, so she’s screaming”?

And how many times during your entire motherhood have people come up to you and said something like “You’re doing great. Children scream and there is nothing wrong with that. Can you handle it? Never for me either.

Of course, I melt from the hugs of my children. And from the toothless first smile. And from the first uncertain “mom”. But this whole other personal hell is very difficult.

It's hard to stop managing your time. What about time, your body! “You can't have coffee! You are feeding! You are not allowed to leave home for more than two hours without the children. You can't hire a nanny. “Who did you give birth to?” You can’t take care of your appearance and self-development. “Children need a mother, and you... eh...” And you know all this, with such an expression on your face as if you were committing a crime comparable to the Holocaust.

But these are the newfangled “What are you doing??? Slapped a child on the butt??? All! Now he will grow up to be a sociopath and will never be happy again.” Did you raise your voice? Out of frustration, did you use an obscene word in your speech? Did you dare not praise the child for the one thousand three hundred and fifty-eighth Easter cake in the sandbox? You are the mother echidna. Receive a comment behind your back like “well, the same unlucky ones manage to give birth, but how many normal people they suffer and nothing.”

Dear, dear, beloved, wonderful mothers! You are gold.

We are all tired of routine and constant immersion in the world of childhood. We all sorely lack normal conversations on adult topics with adults. We all periodically lose our visors from unbearable childish whining. And we all sometimes want to escape from it all to a desert island.

And guess what? We have the right to this! We have the right to feel bad about motherhood. We have the right to be tired. We have the right not to want all this.

We can all sometimes take our children to grandma (hire an hourly nanny, pretend that we don’t see our husband’s needs and dump our offspring on him) and, forgetting about everything else, enjoy a big cup of coffee on the summer terrace of a small cafe in the city center. We can write “Mom’s day off” on whatman paper in big red letters and lock ourselves in the bathroom. It’s not a crime not to run to a child at the first whine. And even forget to feed him once. And not even alone.

We have the right to be happy! And don't put our children's needs before our own.

I really love the phrase: “happy children grow up with happy parents.” So here it is. The most wonderful mothers in the world, you are great and you can do it

Someday this will all end. Strength to you.

Once I got into a conversation with a young woman, about thirty years old. And she was surprised that she didn’t want to get married, didn’t want to have a family, and especially not children. “All these family values, motherhood, sacrifice, femininity are no longer relevant! Now no one is concerned about this!” - she exclaimed. “What are you concerned about?” - I was surprised. “Something else!” - the girl answered evasively, and I wanted to understand this problem.

I see that this is a problem in many ways: in children who are increasingly left to their own devices, in numerous examples of broken families, in the loneliness that surrounds me everywhere, writes MyJane.ru. People stopped working in the name of their love, they also stopped truly loving, replacing close relationships, which require a lot of attention and effort, with surrogates of random and short-lived relationships. What's happening to us?

What are we concerned about?

My interlocutor replied: “Something else!” - and I tried to imagine what it could be. Unfortunately, I came to disappointing conclusions. I couldn’t find anything that could fully replace the happiness of a warm family hearth, a home in which love and tranquility reign, in which you are comfortable and always welcome, where you can be yourself and you don’t have to break yourself for it. Perfect picture. This practically never happens now, because you need to work hard on it. Nothing comes for free, especially creation own home. But we don't want to strain ourselves. It’s stressful at work, but it’s hard to get away at home. So we “break away”, not caring about who is next to us and how they feel from our “breakaway”. What is modern man concerned about?
Success,
Career,
Getting pleasure.

Ultimately, YOURSELF!

Yourself, loved one, unique, special, original, talented, beautiful, smart, etc.
Achieving your success
Achieving your comfort
With your interests...

Many of us, deep down, think only about ourselves. Even in love and friendship in the sense that excludes the concept of family and home.

Of course, everyone puts their own meanings into these concepts, but, in general, we are similar. “I would rather travel the world than take care of my home nest! It's boring! How much time is wasted on household chores, and who needs them!”

Yes, you need it to be cozy, to have the very concept of home, that is, a place where you and your family members can relax and unwind. And your efforts never go in vain, since you invest your time, energy, love into them, which spreads to others.

To be honest, I also don’t really like ironing clothes and washing floors, but I really respect cleanliness. You can, of course, hire a housekeeper and a nanny, put the house and your child in their hands, and go on a trip around the world yourself. What about family? Who needs it today...

Home and family as mental support

For many people, the house turns into just a place to sleep. We spend most of our lives outside the home: in the office, in the workshop, in the store, in the club, pub, on the street, etc. A child who has barely learned to walk and talk is sent from home to kindergarten, to a circle, to school, to a university, and then to the same office. And he runs home, really, only to spend the night and tomorrow, early in the morning, to go somewhere beyond his borders again. We give our son or daughter into the hands of people who are essentially indifferent to them. Of course, you can find a good nanny, a kind and smart teacher, a talented teacher, a prestigious school and kindergarten. But they will never be able to replace a child’s own mother and father and that unique atmosphere at home, which is necessary for every person as the mental basis of his existence.

It is in the family that we find satisfaction of our most important needs in
- attention;
- recognition;
- complicity;
- help.

Here we ourselves learn to give and give warmth, which will become the main condition of our personal happy life. Our parents, whether they want it or not, give us a model of relationships that we, one way or another, will implement in our adult lives.

If our mother had no time to bake pies, wash dishes and communicate with us, because she was preoccupied with her career, survival, and her own interests, then her children inherit exactly the same model of life.

Mom teaches her child to love!

And love very often looks like sacrifice. A truly loving person is more focused on giving rather than receiving. What lesson can a mother give a child who is not used to investing in the family and does not know how to give her strength and attention to her loved ones, her loved ones.

Many women perceive household duties as hard work and an unbearable burden, consider themselves housekeepers and annoy everyone at home with their constant claims of ingratitude. And yet, this is exactly how they show their love. By doing something for another, we give him part of our soul and our warmth. Without this, a home is impossible, no matter what is meant by this concept.

Home is a haven for the soul

Home is a fairly broad category, which we are used to looking at too narrowly. We associate a house with an apartment, walls, an enclosed space of the home and with loved ones. But if you look at the house through the eyes of an advanced modern man, then you can see it in all its breadth of meaning. A home is a mental support for a person, something that makes his life meaningful. You can call the whole planet home, a group of friends, a cafe where you like to drink coffee in the morning, a minibus in which you go to work every day, and an office where you have to stay most of your life. Home in a broad sense is a place where you feel good, where your essence is freely manifested, where you are the way God created you.

And if you are not comfortable within the four walls that the people around you are used to calling home, you, of course, will prefer traveling around the world, tents, hostels and even lawns in the park. And all because neither you nor your loved ones cared enough to create a HOME within these four walls.

It is precisely this “something else”, in my opinion, that the young woman who does not want to have a family dreams of. She does not need a nominal house, a formal family, an apartment, children, etc. She doesn’t want to have a family like her own or the family of her friends and acquaintances... This is not a family - this is horror! She needs a home as a haven for her soul.

Family is no longer a value

Indeed, one has to go far for examples. Now happy families once or twice and got it wrong. Everyone has some problems, scandals, claims, the number of divorces exceeds the number of marriages. Everyone is afraid of relationships and working on them, and in order to avoid mistakes and losses they agree to civil marriages, cohabitation, temporary relationships, or even the absence of them at all, because everyone is concerned only with THEMSELVES!

Beautiful tales about ideal relationship, which occasionally flash on the screens, only fuel hostility towards the real family model, which, alas, is too far from them. Why create a family where chaos, indifference, selfishness, mutual claims and constant criticism will reign, where you are not noticed, ignored or are too pressed and stifled by their dictates. Why do I need this deep insanity of family ties that oblige me to something, force me, load me, immerse me, suck me in? Freedom for Yuri Detochkin! I'll find something else for myself!

Fortunately, a person is still determined to look for this “something else,” without realizing to himself that he is looking for exactly what he has declaratively abandoned. That is, modern man, no matter how much he swaggers or sticks his head in the sand of his own illusions, wants the same thing that they wanted and expected from an ordinary family before. Love, warmth, understanding, calm, help, recognition.

Only he forgets that this process cannot be one-sided, everything must be paid for, in this case with the same coin: love, warmth, attention, time, etc. There is no other way.

And there is no need to despair when watching examples of unhappy families. They are unhappy only because they did not want to invest in their relationship. But if you don't invest, you won't get anything. Only by giving love yourself, by learning to do something for others selflessly, and not to receive gratitude or a reciprocal act, just because you love them and want to make their life more pleasant, warm and worthy. Sometimes it’s not even worth any huge sacrifices, effort or time. Just a smile, a hug, a joke, attention, a word, a call, a text message, or anything that is not directed at oneself, but at a loved one.

When we do something for others, we do it for ourselves, for our heart, which is determined to give. Giving is much more pleasant than taking. Only by understanding this simple thought and starting to act in this direction can a person appreciate what a real family is and the real happiness of having your own home, no matter what he puts into this concept...

And we need to have a brilliant career as a mother and wife. And if we don't even try to walk along this career ladder, disappointment will be an integral part of our old age. Because missed opportunities and rejected responsibility bear very bitter fruits in the future.

And it is important to remember that everything will bear fruit in due time. What will they be like? Much depends on us. From our life vector, from the values ​​that we bring into this world... into the world of our family.

I know many women who have always clearly understood that they want a child. I also know those who, for some reason (genetics, financial difficulties, health, etc.) knew that they would not have children. I don't belong to any of these categories. I was surrounded by children most of my adult life, thanks to which the idea of ​​motherhood always seemed somehow vague and distant to me. I knew that I should kind of want to become a mother, but I didn't want it as fiercely as my friends.

Last month I had the opportunity to help my sister look after her three children. Four days before my arrival, she gave birth to a son, and at that time he was already at home with his three-year-old sister and five-year-old brother. The two weeks I spent with them were a blur: delightful and exhausting at the same time. Every night, after my sister put the kids to bed, I nursed my newborn nephew. We sat in the darkened living room, he wrapped his little arms around my fingers, we looked into each other's eyes, and I sang lullabies to him as he fell asleep. Perhaps the best word that could describe this state is magic.

It was then that a thought struck me that I could no longer push out of my head: my biological clock was ticking inexorably. I continued to look at my sleeping nephew. I was waiting to be overwhelmed by a wave of regret about my decisions, the unsuccessful relationships that led to me remaining childless at 40 years old. I waited and waited, staring at the wonderful face of my sweet nephew.

But nothing happened - no panic, no despair, no self-pity. There was none of this.

Instead, I thought about the life I had. I realized that I could lose many things that were valuable and important to me if I decided to become a mother. For the first time, I consciously thought about my life, and a thought flashed through my head: I don’t want to run away from my present, on the contrary, I love my life.

Day after day, night after night, I became convinced of this. By the end of two weeks, I knew for sure that I would be okay if I didn't have kids. I realized that I don't want all this stuff associated with motherhood. If fate turns differently, then so it should be. But if not, that's great too. Maybe even better!

I felt relieved to realize that I was not striving for this typical system prescribed for women. I actually breathed a sigh of relief knowing that when dating a man I wouldn't have to wonder: Will he be the father of my child? Every man I've dated in the past five years has been the first to bring up the topic of parenthood, on the very first date. Then I would shrug my shoulders and say that I don’t want children. Now this gesture has grown into firm confidence: I'll be fine if I don't become a mother.

Life, particularly a woman's life, is divided into certain key episodes - puberty, then marriage, then having children. Instead of motherhood, a woman can devote herself to a career or charity. We can ignore typical prescriptions and create our own life paths, although it is really difficult to get rid of stereotypes. Not long ago, a New York Times article discussed how, for many women, the day of real triumph is their wedding. But not for me. No.

It would seem that the happiest time has come in her life: all worries and fears are behind her, and here it is, her long-awaited beloved sun,
near here;

But why do weakness, fatigue, bad mood and apathy haunt a young mother? Maybe she's just tired? I carried the baby for nine months, was worried, worried, then gave birth and again worried and worried. She hopes that this condition will pass quickly, if she just rests a little. But then new worries, sleepless nights fall on her, and the problem worsens so much that the woman is no longer happy,
that she became a mother.

It was not by chance that we decided to write about postpartum problems of young mothers: it was in April. According to statistics, the most babies are born in our country from the end of March to the beginning of September. We hope that this article will help both women who have already become mothers and those who are yet to become mothers. We will talk about a problem that many husbands, relatives, and friends of young mothers for some reason consider to be a whim or a whim.

Maternal melancholy, or#8230;

Postpartum depression (postnatal sadness, baby blues) are all different names for the same problem - postpartum depression. Scientists are sounding the alarm: the number of mothers falling into the clutches of such depression is growing every year. At the same time, doctors say that to one degree or another, all women in labor experience depression. Only for some it goes away three to four days after birth, for every fifth woman who gives birth it lasts 2-3 weeks, and for 10-15% of young mothers it drags on for months or even years and requires mandatory treatment.
This is not a whim or fatigue, it is a disease that can also harm the child.

At-risk groups

If you are yet to become a mother, consider whether you are at risk. Postpartum depression is provoked by previously experienced depression, tense relationships in the family, conflictual relationships with one’s own mother and lack of maternal love, a tendency to dramatize events and take a long time to get out of unpleasant situations, the actual absence of the child’s father (in single mothers). These are the main “provocateurs” of depression. But women generally tend to worry about any reason, and pregnant women are capable of creating problems even out of nowhere. Pregnancy, unplanned and at the wrong time, anxiety and worry due to the financial situation of the family, too early birth - all these moments do not add peace of mind to the young mother.
The birth of a child is a stressful situation that releases all the worries of a young mother into the wild, and as a result depression develops.

Reasons for the experience

We, mothers, know why we have to go through all this suffering and why these fears arise. Nothing compares to the miracle of new life being born. But understanding of this miracle comes later, and for some reason it is believed that a woman who gives birth from the first minute of the birth of a baby should, by definition, glow with unearthly love for him. What kind of love is it if you can’t even get a good look at the baby in the delivery room! Relief that it's all over, yes, but it takes time for maternal feelings to blossom.

Based on popular opinion, many mothers expect that “maternal love” will automatically solve the problems of getting used to the child, “maternal instinct” will tell you what and how to do. And for a mother to get used to her long-awaited baby, it takes at least several weeks, or even months. It turns out that the mother is waiting for everything to “settle down” by itself, but this does not happen, and disappointment and feelings of guilt begin to grow in her towards the child, a “bad mother” complex develops, and then depression is not far away.

There are fanatical mothers who do not leave the Baby, not trusting him either with his father or grandparents. Of course, the mother bears the main responsibility for the newborn, but it happens that caring for him falls entirely on her shoulders, no matter whether she herself decided so or whether circumstances pushed her to do so. Then daily and nightly worries that require exertion of physical and mental strength from her do not relieve anxiety, but, on the contrary, cause a feeling of helplessness and fear of inadequacy.

During pregnancy the pace of life expectant mother slows down, but communication with friends, acquaintances and relatives continues.
At first, the young mother is forced to live in almost complete isolation - she still cannot go for walks with her baby, nor can she receive guests. There is neither time nor energy to even talk on the phone (chat on the forum). For a modern person, such isolation, albeit temporary, is the path to depression.

Every woman, sooner or later, strives to realize herself in the main female destiny - motherhood. But only after giving birth does some realize that life has now changed irrevocably and forever. Realizing this, some women become depressed.

The routine of caring for a baby becomes the meaning of a young mother’s existence for many months. This conveyor belt - feeding, swaddling, washing, ironing, cleaning, and then all over again - gives rise to only one desire - to drop everything and run away wherever your eyes look.

Even such a small thing as a change in appearance after childbirth can cause depression. If for a woman beauty and an elegant figure were the meaning of life, she hopes that as soon as the child is born, her former shape and attractiveness will immediately return. And if this does not happen, she becomes resentful, and sometimes even angry at the child who took away her beauty.

Symptoms of depression

Your eyes are constantly wet, you don’t even need to look for a reason to cry.
The cry of a child, which at first caused panic, now causes only irritation and rage.
Not only comments, but also good advice from relatives are received with hostility; it seems that they are just waiting for some mistake to begin their teachings.
The burden of responsibility. And the presence of volunteer helpers does not free the mother from every second of anxiety and worry.
Even a hint of sex causes wild disgust.
Fear of the mirror. Own view, tired and unkempt, scary.
Fears, anxieties, and dissatisfaction are growing every minute, and it is impossible to break loose and throw them out on your child, husband, relatives and friends.
Chronic insomnia, which does not allow you to sleep peacefully, even when possible.
Postpartum depression does not always include all the symptoms described, but if you find at least half of them, there is reason to seriously think about it.

Effect of hormones

Hormones play a negative role in the development of postpartum depression. The hormonal balance established during pregnancy is disrupted. The amount of estrogen and progesterone decreases, because the placenta is no longer there, and the ovaries gradually return to the “pre-pregnancy” state. Change hormonal levels usually does not last longer than a week after birth, but during this time it has time to act on nervous system, well-being and emotional condition women.

Maybe it's fatigue?

Depression often masquerades as fatigue associated with the challenges of caring for a newborn. The young mother quickly gets tired, she is plagued by weakness, drowsiness, headaches, coldness and numbness of the extremities, palpitations, changes in appetite (increased or absent). All this is usually attributed to overwork, and depression, irritability and anger are attributed to female whims. No one understands this deepest powerlessness and does not want to feel sorry for the young mother. And she needs it so much now! After all, nothing makes you happy, not even the baby’s success. Some mothers stop breastfeeding, some go to the therapist complaining of physical ailments, some simply endure it, and some even think about suicide.

Why do you need to fight depression?

Not only does the mother suffer from depression, but also her child. He is emotionally connected to her, and if the mother does not feel that the baby has become her family, emotional contact between them is disrupted. Postpartum depression inhibits the baby’s formation of a sense of security, internal self-defense mechanisms, concentration and speech development.
Depression does not “dissolve” on its own. Mom’s condition only gets worse every day and can last for months and even years.
If depression continues to develop, then constant fatigue, weakness, loss of appetite and sleep disturbances can lead to asthenia.

Treatment

To get out of a depressed state, most mothers usually only need desire and a minimum of effort. The main thing is to force yourself to make these efforts.
Take every opportunity to sleep. Sleep together and next to your baby; when he is nearby, you don’t have to worry that you won’t hear him. You can place the child on the balcony and use a “baby monitor”, which allows you to hear every squeak of the child from a distance.

Don't focus on caring for your baby. Don’t let your brain “sour” in diapers and formula. Many mothers manage to read a bunch of books while breastfeeding. After all, no one bothers you to put a pillow under your elbow, put the child on it and read while he eats and dozes. Just talk to the baby first, look into his eyes, stroke him, talk to him,

Choose someone to be the “vest.” A young mother definitely needs to complain to someone about her difficult life. It's better if it's a sister or friend. The husband, of course, needs to be kept informed of what is happening, but not overloaded with complaints; he himself is on the verge of depression, and new grandmothers are often too impressionable and biased.

Chat virtually. If there is no one to complain to in person, no one bothers you to use the Internet. There are hundreds of websites for mothers and forums where they discuss their problems. The main thing is not to be alone with your depression.

Dance and sing (you can hold your baby in your arms). This is a wonderful way of relaxation - rhythmic movements and vibration of the voice relax the mother and calm the baby.

Walk every day and, preferably, in any weather. Kids enjoy sleeping in the fresh air for a long time. Use this opportunity to get distracted, go beyond the boring walls, breathe fresh air, think about the beautiful#8230;

Don't refuse help. It will give you the opportunity to pay at least a little attention to yourself. If you think that grandmothers are of little use, find a visiting assistant. An assistant, not a nanny. She will do the routine homework, and you only deal with the baby.

Go out, leaving your child at home, if you have someone to leave him with, go shopping, go to the hairdresser, just take a walk.

Be sure to discuss your reluctance to have sex with your husband. Try to do this tactfully. Men are already jealous of their wives for their newborn children; it seems to them that they have been forgotten about. Do not aggravate the alienation that has arisen. Doctors do not recommend making love only in the first 4-6 weeks after birth. By the way, keep in mind that sex often helps to get out of depression.

P.S. Would you say that these recommendations are known to everyone? Yes, but only a few follow them. Do at least something for yourself, even through force, and the results will not be slow to show.
And further. These recommendations are good if depression has not gone too far, otherwise you cannot do without the help of a psychotherapist. If he diagnoses even average degree postpartum depression, you will need antidepressants, which can only be prescribed by a doctor. Do not try to self-medicate!
Very rarely, depression progresses to postpartum psychosis, with manifestations of a persistent state of anxiety, loss of a sense of reality or hallucinations. In this case, you will have to contact a psychiatrist who will select effective method treatment.

Today I want to raise a purely psychological topic, and therefore I suggest reading this article only to those who do not have a strong rejection of psychology as such. We will talk about the emotional difficulties of adults who have babies. I have repeatedly spoken and written about the fact that the first months of life with a baby are very difficult for some parents. big problems, and this happens because the mother or father has to enter into very long physical contact with the newborn. Now I would like to try to explain exactly how this happens from the point of view of my knowledge and experience.

Our personality is a combination of different components: we have a body, we have an intellect, believers talk about the soul. But in modern world very often many live only with their intellect, only with their heads. This is especially true for educated people who rely excessively on their knowledge and believe in it uncontrollably: no matter what happens to them, they explain everything from a rational point of view.

At the same time, a person should trust his body more, which in many situations turns out to be smarter: there is more knowledge in it than in the head. And the body stores more memories. Because the brain cannot retain everything in memory at the same time: that’s how it works. There is too much information to absorb every day. And if a person is overcome by grief or some serious trouble, then how much energy the brain has to spend to process these experiences, and at the same time continue normal mental activity and solve daily pressing problems! And here defense mechanisms come to the rescue - they are the ones who allow us to quickly “forget” troubles, they are the ones who “bury” difficult-to-bear emotions and memories of them in our unconscious. Speaking in simple words, we forget, and we forget firmly, about the bad things that happened to us in the past.

Why is it bad not to remember, to forget? The fact is that if psychological trauma is not “digested” by the psyche, but is simply forgotten, then it begins to work inside us, and we do not even understand what is happening. After all, when we remember, we can return to it, keep in touch, wonder, rethink what happened, and draw conclusions. But if you forget, contact is lost. And the most unpleasant thing is that this memory, or rather the heavy emotions associated with that event, return at the moment when they are least needed, when there is absolutely no time to work with them.

One of these very inconvenient moments in a woman’s life is the birth of a baby. After all, this is the time when all the mother’s strength and all her time should be given to the child who needs her so much! It is clear that at this time both the woman and the newborn need sensations such as joy, pleasure, and security much more than usual. And it can be very difficult when a mother is faced with despair, irritation, and fear. And this happens because, constantly holding the baby in her arms, often lacking sleep, forgetting to eat, the woman allows her body to remember the past. And if this past is traumatic, then the feelings that a woman experiences are so far from beautiful! It is very difficult to be a mother in such a situation. Due to the strong impressions of childbirth and excessive postpartum fatigue, everyone breaks down. psychological defenses. The body plays the role of an entrance gate - it is a bridge to traumatic experiences. The sight of a baby, its smell, its cry, the need to be carried in your arms - all these are vivid sensations of your own childhood.

These sensations return when a woman herself becomes a mother. “It’s like I’m carrying myself in my arms,” many women tell me (especially when giving birth to a girl). With such close contact with a small child - non-verbal, very physical - an adult on an unconscious level (not intellectual - this is body language) falls into his trauma, if there was one in infancy.

Why is it so hard for me to be a mother? Case from practice.

Olga came to me in a difficult psychological state: constant hysterics, tears, a state of extreme helplessness and despair. Almost two years ago she gave birth to a daughter. Pregnancy and childbirth proceeded well, without any problems or pathologies. But, having given birth, Olga did not experience any joy; on the contrary, motherhood depressed her. She was bored! After 4 months, she hired a nanny and took up science. She breastfed the girl for up to a year (the nanny came to the house), but practically did not work on her development.

And then, the child was already 11 months old and they came to see a pediatric neurologist, and the mother was told: “What are you doing, mom? You have a sick child - a developmental delay.” And Olga plunged into a very strong emotional crisis. Since then, the woman has been haunted by feelings of colossal guilt, hopelessness and despair. And she is not even consoled by the fact that the situation with the girl has improved - she is developing quite well and is catching up with her peers. The thought that her daughter was retarded, and through the fault of the mother herself, became an obsession!

Talking about herself, Olga admitted that she never wanted to be a mother. As a teenager, she was horrified by the sight of women in ski suits walking around the house with strollers: “This is an unbearable horror for me! I don't want such a limited life! I don't want to look like that! There’s nothing uglier than a ski suit on a young woman!” And then, already at the institute, when she saw a pregnant woman, she moved away from her, because it was unpleasant for her to come into contact with this: “I was carried away like the wind to the opposite edge of the audience!” It was physically unpleasant for me to sit next to my pot-bellied classmates!”

Olga set herself a goal - to become a scientist. She actively built a career and became a philosopher. This is a worthy goal in life! In addition, Olga carefully looked after herself, dressed very stylishly and beautifully, which in a sense made a revolution among women philosophers. It should be noted that there are very few female representatives in this environment: philosophers are mostly men, and those rare women who have chosen this profession usually do not attach importance to their appearance.

But then she met a man whom she fell in love with, and he fell in love with her! They got married, some time passed, and the question of having a child arose. Love for her husband and rationality prevailed over rejection of this part women's life, and our heroine became pregnant... You have already heard the continuation of this story.

Here I propose to return again to the theory of psychotherapy. When I encounter such strong negative emotions (Olga’s reaction to the words of a pediatric neurologist), the cause of which, in general, is absent (well, this little girl has neither cerebral palsy, nor mental retardation, nor any other disabling disease, in which case I would could internally agree with the presence of such deep negative emotions in this woman), the question arises before me: “Who and when in this person’s life felt such emotions and for what reason?”

Psychotherapy is about remembering a traumatic event and rewriting the memory of it. There are scientific studies of the brain and memory that suggest that we do not remember an event, but the last memory of it. Something happened to us, we remembered it the next day, and a month later we remembered it again. So, when we remembered a month later, we remember not an event, but a memory next day after what happened. And when we remember this next time, we will remember today’s memory. This is how memory works. And psychotherapy is based and works on this.

Because when you manage to penetrate through all the defenses, that is, emotionally remember a traumatic event, and then - the death of one of the parents, violence, divorce of parents - it is, of course, impossible to change this situation!

But the psychotherapist can help the patient (and this, in fact, is his task) change the memory of her. Then the child was too small, then there was only blackness, only destruction, only cruelty, guilt, fear. And now, from today’s age, from the experience collected over a lifetime, from today’s strength, you can look at the past differently. You can change your attitude towards that distant situation, see the good side, bring constructive ideas into it. This is what it means to rewrite. And, when an adult manages to rethink that situation in a new way, the trauma loses its destructive energy, and recovery occurs.
But the most difficult thing is to get to this injury, because it is very strongly protected so as not to destroy the person. And the body gives access.

Our heroine, no matter how much she wanted it, became pregnant, her body carried the child for nine months, gave birth, and then breastfed. And it was not the memories that returned to her, but the emotions of her little one or, most likely, her mother. This is what I managed to find out during my work.

Olga's parents were very young people when they met, fell in love and very soon gave birth to their daughter. The young dad was completely unprepared for this and began to “walk around.” For cheating, my patient’s mother kicked out her father and was left alone. She was afraid to share with her mother: she had a very short conversation: “Decent women do not remain alone, everything must be according to the rules.” She was very afraid of this condemnation and once again did not resort to her mother’s help. He and the baby lived on the fifth floor without an elevator, in a small apartment, with a meager amount of money. Anger and resentment towards her husband, shame in front of her mother, the feeling that now her whole life has gone downhill - these are the main feelings and experiences of our heroine’s mother. This condition was transmitted to the girl, who was a very restless baby, slept little and cried all the time. Although it is quite possible that this was the mother’s subjective feeling.

And now, when our heroine has become a mother and is faced with a certain problem, instead of support she hears from her mother: “Now you understand what it means to be a mother! Now you will remember me!” The same mechanism is at work here that I said at the beginning: Olga was not born in the best situation - betrayal, a serious conflict, a breakup - and her mother’s condition returned to her after the birth of the child. Although earlier, if you remember, the thought that there is nothing good in motherhood accompanied her all her life, as if reminding her latently: “You will feel bad there.” This was reflected in the fact that she did not believe in the sincere love of women who give birth. Thus, her own anxiety and fear devalued motherhood as such.

Olga is now on her third nanny, and with her arrival there has been immediate progress in the girl’s development. And, if we touch on the topic of nannies here, which is very relevant in our time, then I believe that in this woman’s situation, having a nanny is a very great benefit. After all, with a trauma like hers, quite a long period of psychotherapy is required. Meanwhile, the child grows and needs a completely different figure. Besides, this woman needs help and support. She has a hard time getting through those few days in a row when the nanny has a day off.

This is how babies bring us back to some difficulties. Just like children of other ages. Sometimes we get indignant: “I can’t stand teenagers!”, or: “From 3 to 5 is generally a great age, and then...”, etc. This suggests that the person felt bad at that age, and he avoids communicating with children of that age.

I have other painful examples where parents, while with babies, “return” to their roots. She went to therapy with me married couple- They waited for a child for 7 years. And finally the woman became pregnant, gave birth, and happiness knew no bounds. After 3 months, her husband left her. And when we started talking to her and figuring it out, it turned out that when her husband was 3 months old, his father abandoned him.

Another example I give in . We are talking about a man who came to me in a situation of divorce. At our only meeting, he told me that he could not stand the fact that his wife was a bad mother for his sons. “What is a “bad mother”?” I asked him. To which he answered me: “She does not give them proper protection, she is weak. She trembles like an aspen leaf. She is constantly worried and does not provide security for my children.”

And when I asked him: “How do you feel about death?”, his facial expression changed, and he said: “Yes, I’m barely alive. I can barely stand this topic. I have certain rituals with which I protect myself from this thought.” This proves that next to his sons he finds himself in some very vulnerable and unprotected situation and does not feel adequate protection from his wife. And, most likely, his mother was the kind of woman who did not provide him with basic protection and security. As a baby, he could not abandon his mother, but now he may well divorce his wife. And it’s a shame that instead of solving his own problems, he took the path of destroying his family.

That's why it's so important to remember. The harder you try to push away difficult memories, covering them with a mass of defenses, the more difficult it will be for you to face their return and the more difficult it will be to cope with their power. There is no need to lose contact with this pain, pushing it further and deeper into the unconscious - when all barriers and defenses have safely collapsed, it will still embrace you, already weak and vulnerable, with new power. Well, if you forgot about your not entirely happy infancy, you have a great chance to remember it! This will certainly happen in those days and months when the baby grows in your arms. And then, when faced with painful emotions, you should not be afraid, because this means that the time has come to deal with it!

Larisa Sviridova Text recorded by: Olga Shmidt