Causes of infidelity, why adultery occurs and what effect they have. Decreased critical thinking. The main reason for cheating

If you have made the decision to save the family and forgive your soul mate (most often happens if the family has children or a married couple for more than twenty years together), then you need to reconsider your attitude towards your spouse. Perhaps you deprive her of affectionate and gentle words, perceive her not as a woman, but as a life partner, devoid of sexuality and attractiveness, or do not suit her in bed. Maybe you need to update the old coil of relationships and bring novelty to them? Or do you need the help of a family psychologist, a sexologist? Everything is in your hands, so take action immediately.

What not to do:

• make scandals and tantrums (this is also typical for men);
• constantly remind her of treason (she already punished herself);
• threaten;
• revenge, similarly, by cheating on her with another.

Why do couples cheat?

Why do men cheat, why do women cheat? We will talk about this in our article.

Before publishing this article, we conducted a survey at the Persona partnership center. We asked men why men cheat and why women cheat. And women were asked why, in their opinion, men cheat and why women cheat. The results of this survey and my comments on your answers are presented in two videos, links to which you will find at the end of the article.

Why does change happen?

Today we will analyze from a deep, psychological point of view why betrayal occurs.

Based on my eight years of experience in couples therapy, I can broadly divide cheating into two groups:

• The first group is situational, random betrayals, which are more common among men, but sometimes happen among women. After situational infidelity, a person usually returns to the relationship. He may feel guilty and ashamed, sometimes he tells, sometimes he does not tell his partner about the betrayal. But at the same time, he, as a rule, is interested in maintaining relations. Therefore, after situational changes, as experience shows, quite often relations are getting better again.

• A completely different situation is observed with the second type of betrayal - when love takes place, when a person falls in love. In this case there are two options further development events. A person stays in a marriage because for some reason he cannot end it. The reason may be in children, housing, other material or moral aspects. The person remains married, but the relationship, in fact, has already broken up, people simply cohabit in the same living space. Or the person leaves the marriage for a new relationship. And the marriage, accordingly, also breaks up formally.

What is the real reason for the change?

The most common answer you gave during the survey, and the same answer that appears most often in various studies, is that one of the spouses no longer feels loved. In such a relationship intimate life almost at zero or reduced to mechanical procedures. There is no romance in the relationship, and there is no understanding between the spouses. But there are constant conflicts, as a rule, on the same topics, as if in a vicious circle. Spouses can literally enrage each other, and then scandals and quarrels flare up at the slightest pretext. Or an evil silence is established between them, when they simply tolerate each other and live side by side. In such situations, cheating usually occurs. However, quarrels or lack of sex are not the true reason for cheating. We need to go deeper.

How does systemic family therapy look at infidelity?

From the point of view of family therapy, cheating means that the relationship has already ended. That is, the fact of infidelity puts an end to the relationship of the couple. The breakup of the couple began much earlier, the couple began to disperse in different sides much earlier. Just at some point, the tension reaches a critical point and there is a break in relations, there is a betrayal.

Cheating is the point that puts an end to this couple and this relationship.

Since the breakdown of relationships began a long time ago, it often turns out that we confuse cause with effect. Therefore, it is important to understand that it is not a relationship that breaks up due to infidelity. This betrayal is just a consequence of the fact that the relationship ended long ago.

And when did they end? Relationships usually end when spouses can't handle a relationship crisis. Crisis is the transition of relations to new level. As my experience as a family therapist shows, few couples know that relationships need to be taken to a new level. And you need to not only make efforts to maintain relationships, you need to know when crises arise and how to deal with them correctly.

The first major crisis that most couples do not experience is the transition from falling in love to love. Falling in love lasts from a year to three, after that it passes and love should come to replace it. If the couple can't handle this crisis, if they haven't been able to make that transition, after a while the relationship will end. For example, because of treason. Which, as we have already found out, will only be a consequence of the fact that the couple has already broken up.

What other crises await the couple? What crises lead to the fact that the relationship ends and betrayal can happen? It can be any significant change in the status or living conditions of the couple. A crisis is always a new level of relations, new obligations and new conflicts.

For example, a crisis occurs when a couple decides to get married. Before they were just lovers, but now they have become husband and wife. And if before marriage they had no special responsibility, then after marriage they need to share everything, they need to decide everything together, they need to take on many new obligations. And this one new format relationships, new obligations and new status– this is the crisis.

The next crisis is pregnancy and the birth of a child. When a couple is no longer just husband and wife, but also parents. And again, you need to re-allocate roles, finances, obligations, time, and so on.

It turns out that each new stage development of relations leads to a crisis. And if the couple does not cope with the crisis, this leads to a cooling of relations, and then to their collapse. And, as a result, after some time, when the couple in fact broke up a long time ago, betrayals happen.

There are very, very many “formal reasons” for betrayal, each couple has its own story and its own tragedy. It is important to remember that the true cause of all betrayals are crises that the couple could not cope with.

An example from psychotherapeutic practice to illustrate

Ruslan and Anya met a year before marriage, after 3 years of family life, the long-awaited first-born was born. Anya, like many mothers, went on maternity leave and stayed at home with her child. Husband spent all his time at work to earn money more money for family.

Outcome - love affair at work, she is 5 years older than him, beautiful, successful, self-confident. It would seem that the reason for the betrayal is obvious. On the one hand - an experienced beautiful colleague, always well-groomed and in a good mood, on the other hand - plump Anya, who meets her husband at home in a dressing gown with a screaming baby in her arms. All men are males, they only need one thing.

However, in the course of psychotherapy, it turned out that their relationship actually fell apart about a year after marriage. Just think about it: a couple has a baby, but at the same time, there is no relationship as such in the couple itself. And it turns out that it was not even the crisis of the appearance of the child that caused the betrayal, but the earlier crisis - the transition from falling in love to the relationship of husband and wife. And Ruslan and Anya did not cope with this crisis.

There were two reasons for the crisis. Bed problems are the first of them. It so happened that both Ruslana and Anya sex life did not satisfy 100%, but they could not openly discuss this. Because it’s a shame, because if I don’t like something, it’s only my problem and my fault, because maybe somehow everything will work itself out. And while they were in the status of lovers, love and hormones did their job and compensated for the inconsistency of partners in bed. But as husband and wife, Ruslan and Anya had to learn to openly and with mutual respect discuss each other's needs for sex. But they didn't.

The second point is different ideas about the duties of a husband and a wife in marriage. Who owes what to whom, who is responsible for what, who does what. And again it turned out that the conflicts that arose on this basis, Ruslan and Anya did not resolve and did not even discuss. They walked away from these conflicts, somehow extinguished them, endured and were silent, hoping again that somehow everything would work out by itself.

And so it all piled up and piled up like a snowball. childbirth and related another crisis became the last straw, the tension reached its peak. And there was a betrayal.

Fortunately, Ruslan and Anya had a desire to save the marriage. After family therapy, they are back together. But - and this is very important to understand - their previous relationship "died". Ruslan and Anya started a new relationship, which is based on other principles and is developing according to a different dynamic. The relationship that they had initially did not stand the test of the crisis. Of course, in order to build new relationships with the same partner “on the ashes of the old ones”, decisiveness, readiness and desire to change and overcome crises together are necessary. Ruslan and Anya had this desire.

I hope that now Ruslan and Anya will be able to cope with the crises that inevitably accompany any couple in their life together.

So, crises are a regularity, they cannot be avoided. To save a relationship, you need to be prepared for crises, know why they arise and how to deal with them. And then you will have a strong, harmonious and happy relationship.

Very soon I will have a new article "How to heal a marriage if there has been a betrayal." In it, I will tell you what can be done to return relationships and restore marriage, even after infidelity has occurred. Watch for announcements.

Video with the results of the poll “Why cheating happens”

Male infidelity is hardly surprising, and in some cultures, polygamy is even considered acceptable. Fewer and fewer representatives of the weaker half of humanity believe in the devotion of their spouses. Society treats female adultery in a completely different way, and yet today this phenomenon is gaining momentum. Why do wives cheat on their husbands? We will analyze the reasons for this in this article.

Sex and love

So why do wives cheat on their husbands, what makes them commit such immoral acts? There are two main reasons for this: new love and the desire to take revenge on her husband. Moreover, in most cases, female infidelity occurs precisely in dysfunctional families, while men tend to “go to the left” even when they consider their marriage to be quite successful. For a man, love and sex are not the same thing, but for the fair sex, these concepts are inseparable.

By by and large women cannot imagine sex without love and commitment. Married ladies, all the more, will not behave inappropriately, unless they have a good enough reason. Sex for a woman is not just a process of intercourse, but something very significant, one might even say spiritual.

What is cheating for a woman

Female infidelities rarely occur spontaneously. Most often, ladies decide on this only after they carefully consider and weigh everything. At the same time, we can say that cheating on her husband for the fairer sex is, in a sense, a desperate step. Usually only when you can't see family well-being and there is no faith in a happy marriage, a woman is able to decide on treason. That is why wives cheat, because sometimes such a scenario seems to a woman the only way out of this situation.

And if a man who has acted in a similar way can, as if nothing had happened, return home to his family, then for a woman there is, as a rule, no return back. From the moment of betrayal, new feelings capture her, and there may no longer be room in her heart for her once beloved husband. The world familiar to her is collapsing, everything becomes different, different - for real.

Lack of attention from husband

The answer to the question of why wives begin to cheat on their husbands can be found in the depths of female psychology. One of the reasons for unsuccessful marriages can be cooling in the relationship of the spouses. This often happens when, over time, they get bored with each other and begin to move away. In the case when the husband does not pay due attention to his wife, she feels abandoned, unhappy and unloved.

Loss of mutual interest, unwillingness to concede, find a compromise - this is not all possible options deteriorating relationship in a couple. Over time, in such a family, the situation may escalate, the spouses will quarrel and conflict over various little things. In the end, the husband becomes so distant from his wife that he simply stops noticing her. He does not pay attention to her, spends more and more time with friends, prefers to engage in a car or play games. computer games. Unfortunately, a man simply ceases to be interested in his wife as a woman. It is understandable why wives cheat when they are in such an environment.

Is the woman to blame?

Many women, having married, forget about their belonging to the beautiful half of humanity. Previously, they tried to be beautiful and charming, but now, when the marriage has already taken place, they turn into nondescript housewives, and aprons and dressing gowns become their outfits. However, there is nothing wrong with this, especially since family life requires its victims, but nevertheless, a man can be little attracted to curlers on the head of his chosen one. As a result, a woman becomes less desirable for her man, which results in many disagreements that occur in married couples.

In fact, all of the above, rather, can be the cause of male betrayal or even leaving the family. But if you are looking for an answer to the question of why wives cheat on their husbands, these factors should also be considered. The prerequisites for such female behavior lie precisely in insufficient attention husbands to their halves.

Permanent absence of husband

Sometimes it happens that a woman seems to take care of herself and look attractive enough, and her man loves her and idolizes her. But even in such families, things don't always go smoothly. So why do wives cheat on their husbands, what is the reason for this behavior? In this case, a woman may lack the attention of her beloved husband due to the fact that he is constantly absent from home. He tries to provide for his family, earns a living and often has to go on business trips, attend business negotiations or just stay late at work. A woman understands that this is how it should be, and appreciates her caring husband, but she still feels lonely.

At such moments, another man may appear in a woman's life, one who can be there, will be able to give what she lacks: warmth, care and love. Cheating happens because this other man is there and with him the woman feels needed by someone.

Revenge for cheating husband

IN modern world women quite often betray their husbands in retaliation for their betrayal. They act on the principle of "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth", thinking that this is the most The best way punish the traitor. It often happens that an offended lady can cheat on her husband with the first man she comes across.

Revenge is a dish best served chilled. But why do wives cheat on their husbands in response to their betrayal, if by doing so they only aggravate the situation and, in addition to their spouses, also harm themselves? Of course, not everyone will take such a step, because a man is able to forgive his soulmate anything, but not treason. Even if he says that everything is fine, or does not know about the betrayal at all, the woman will no longer be able to remain the same. She will always remember her betrayal, in which she will blame her husband, and also despise both him and herself for it.

Looking for new sensations

Unfortunately, the relationships of many married couples eventually come to a standstill, become somehow gray and monotonous. Both men and women may lack drive, this feeling that captured them at the very beginning, when they first met and realized that they fell in love with each other. But each new day becomes more and more like the previous one, and the fire of their feelings gradually fades away. Such a family is held together by children, the spouses are already accustomed to each other and are even sure that their love is mutual. But here's something missing.

A woman who knows her husband like her own five fingers, when her husband becomes predictable, is looking for new sensations. This is the answer to the question of why wives cheat. The opinions of scientists on this subject are reduced to elementary physiology. As the senses subside, so does the body's production of certain hormones, the presence of which makes a person happy and contented. Sometimes in search thrill a woman can cheat on her husband.

Sexual dissatisfaction

Often the reason for female infidelity lies in the inability of the husband to satisfy her sexually. However, this may be due to other factors. For example, certain living conditions do not allow spouses to be alone when they want to. Also, a similar problem may arise in a large family. In the end, a woman may decide to cheat in order to diversify her sexual life and fulfill unrealized sexual fantasies. It's trite, but it happens.

What is the point of looking for the culprit in such cases? It is more correct to think not about why wives cheat, but about how to prevent it. If sexually, a married couple has some difficulties, then you need to look for ways to solve them, because betrayal of these problems will not solve, but will only aggravate and add new ones.

A woman who thinks she deserves better

This reason for betrayal is perhaps the most inexplicable. However, here, rather, all of the above factors take place - a little of everything. These are cases in which a woman, for various reasons, is not satisfied with marriage, but she is also not ready to divorce. A woman can have a psychological attitude that she deserves better, consider herself free in some sense, so she provides herself with almost unlimited opportunities for maneuvers. For her, marriage is just a social status. Trying to understand why wives cheat on their husbands on vacation or on a business trip, this factor should not be overlooked.

Having changed, such a woman does not feel guilty about herself and even considers her behavior quite natural. Like emotional mood initially dangerous, because a man, feeling that he is not appreciated, can also begin to behave accordingly.

Why do wives cheat on their husbands. Opinions of scientists

Finally, it is worth giving here a few excerpts from the results of various studies on the topic of change. So, it is quite obvious that women who are unhappy in marriage are more likely to cheat - compared to prosperous families, in such couples, intrigues on the side occur 2.6 times more often. The probability that a husband will be betrayed by a sexually unsatisfied wife increases by 2.9 times. These statistics show why wives cheat on their husbands, the reasons are always the same. And here are the statistics about those men with whom unfaithful wives have affairs:

• 12% - a guy who rolled up in a public place;
• 20% - a longtime friend;
• 13% - former;
• 10% - colleague;
• 1% - one of her man's friends;
• 44% is someone else.

British scientists were completely surprised by saying that women cheat more often than men. However, the representatives of the weaker sex value the reputation of a “good wife”, and also prefer not to brag about their adventures. They are much more careful and sophisticated both in the betrayals themselves and in hiding traces.

Conclusion

Unfortunately, all kinds of difficulties happen in the family life of people. Husbands and their soul mates cheat. But if everything is more or less clear with men, then why do wives cheat? The psychology of human relations, which has been formed over the centuries, has established a woman as a faithful keeper of the family hearth. The betrayal itself contradicts her essence, because by betraying her husband, she betrays her family, her children and even herself.

After the betrayal for a woman, there will be no turning back. She will always remember her act and is unlikely to be able, as before, to look her husband in the eye. Obviously, both men and women need to work on marriage and relationships. For couples it is necessary to solve all the problems and difficulties that have arisen together, together, and then, perhaps, no one will have a reason for treason.