How to stop depending on other people. How to learn not to depend on the opinions of others and to be yourself. How to get rid of emotional dependence on a man

Let's start with the fact that man by nature is a dependent being. The very need to depend on someone is inherent in us from birth, and accompanies us throughout our life. And the question is not how to change this nature, how to stop being addicted. The question is this: since we are still dependent, and cannot become completely independent, then maybe we have a chance at least to choose the “object” on which we are dependent - to choose so as to live happily?

Let's see what happens if we fall into dependence on people, things, circumstances etc. This psychological addiction is similar to drug addiction. Until a person begins to use drugs, he lives, relatively speaking, more or less “well”. Using the drug for the first or second time, he gets pleasure from it, "high", falls into euphoria. Soon enough, a person begins to get used to the drug, and to achieve the same state of high he needs more and more doses ... After a rather short time, the body adapts to the drug so much that it stops feeling euphoric even with a significant dose. Now a person needs a drug not for a high, but simply in order to feel normal; the body can no longer function at an adequate level without the next dose - without it, it simply feels bad, a breakdown begins.

The same thing happens in the case of psychological addiction. Before meeting with a partner, a person lives a completely diverse life, has a wide circle of contacts, a number of interests, in general, he is satisfied with everything. And so a new relationship begins: at first, a person is in an almost enduring ecstasy, soars in the clouds with happiness. At this stage, he blindly surrenders to his feelings - he sees neither the flaws of the partner, nor the real attitude towards himself on his part. But gradually a person begins to see clearly: the one who seemed ideal to him ceases to be such. All the negative qualities that have not been noticed until now come to the surface, and everything positive becomes habitual and even annoying ... Quarrels and conflicts begin. There is no longer a trace of euphoria, often people cannot even talk without mutual reproaches and accusations. These relationships no longer bring joy to anyone, and the person does not dare to break them off: he has become dependent on his partner, on his feelings for him. If a breakup does occur for any reason, then a real breakdown begins: a person falls into depression, loses all previous interests, loses the desire to work, communicate with friends, and even the desire to live. If the partner suddenly returns, then in this case there is no need to wait for happiness: for a short time, a certain ghost of former joy may return, the illusion of mutual love, which quickly passes. And then everything starts all over again - old complaints and grievances emerge, conflict relations are renewed, and the further, the more the person gets bogged down in dependence. And this addiction, like drug addiction, does not go away by itself. It takes a lot of effort to get rid of it.

Psychological addiction, unfortunately, is very often mistaken for love. It is important to understand that love and addiction are not just different, but practically opposite phenomena in their essence.

Firstly, love brings joy, and addiction is either suffering, or a painful, poisonous short-term pleasure, like the pleasure of a drug addict. Secondly, love is sacrificial, and addiction is always about selfishness... This selfishness manifests itself in many ways, although often in a veiled way. For example: a woman does EVERYTHING for her husband, gives all her strength, dissolves in him, lives by him alone. Then there is a break; The abandoned wife, of course, is completely heartbroken, it seems to her that her life is over, that everything has lost its meaning ... A typical situation, isn't it? What is the selfishness of this woman? The fact that she actually made certain sacrifices for a reason; giving her strength, her youth, dissolving in a partner, she tried to get something in return - maybe even unconsciously. To receive in response full understanding, unconditional acceptance, the same dissolution of the spouse in her, in her life; probably also gratitude and guilt on the part of the spouse (for the sacrifices made for him), which should have tied him to her forever. That is, she gave all of herself, but not disinterestedly, not for the sake of her husband's happiness. She did not what her husband really needed, what HIM would like, but what is better in HER opinion, because she always believed that she knew better (this, by the way, shows pride). In other words, she lived his life, instead of leaving his life to him, and living her life herself; she "penetrated" into his soul, because in her soul she was uncomfortable. This can be compared to how, having cluttered our apartment, we would come to our neighbors - to live with them and litter their house as well, and at the same time would be sincerely surprised that we are being kicked out. Moreover, living such a life, dissolving in a partner, a person actually understands deep down in his soul that he does not make the partner happy, that he himself, being in the partner's place, would be burdened by such “care”.

If we truly love someone, then we will not crawl into his soul, where no one invited us; we will not stuff him with what seems good to us, but learn from him what exactly he needs; in case of refusal of our help, from our "good" we will not be offended and not upset, but we will accept it calmly, without a shadow of offense - after all, we did not want the best for ourselves, but for our beloved, and if for some reason he does not accept our gift, then we recognize that it is his right. And if we sacrifice our life FOR LOVE, then we never expect anything in return, not even gratitude, we do it for the happiness of our partner - like a mother, in case of danger, is ready, without thinking about herself, to rush to death for her child.

A break up it is calmer and more painless to experience with the one whom we truly love than the breakup of a dependent relationship: after all, we wish our partner happiness, even if not with us. If it so happened that he felt bad with me, but with someone better, then I let him go, even though it’s hard for me without him; maybe even happily letting go - if only he was happy. And there is no longer any place for any unhealthy addiction.

In addition, addiction often manifests itself in idolization- this is another difference from love. A person wants to experience certain pleasant emotions, and he creates an idol for himself - an object, transferring all his feelings to which, he can dream up almost any feelings in response. He wants to imagine that he is loved - and he chooses a person from whom he makes an idol, builds a whole web of illusions about the idol's special relationship to himself, about his exclusive love ... and he himself begins to sincerely believe in this, deceived by his own fantasies. He is ready to do a lot for this idol, but in exchange he needs to dissolve in the idol, to merge with him in a kind of spiritual ecstasy. If there is a break in relations, then the person is deprived of all this, and it is quite natural that it is extremely difficult to survive such a break.

Thus, if you look at the content of the relationship, and not at their form, it becomes clear that addiction has almost nothing to do with real love.

To understand the nature of psychological addiction, it is worth considering: a what do we really depend on? From a partner - or from our feelings towards him, from that unreal, distorted world in which we live, which is built by our feelings, and first of all - by our feelings towards this partner, what we usually call love? (and that is unlikely to be). And isn't it because we are dependent on this unreal world, we cling to our "love" so much, despite the fact that it no longer brings us anything but suffering? We are afraid, having lost our former feelings, to destroy this world. And he is dear to us, we are used to living in it, without thinking at all.

So, we live in a distorted world, we are dependent on it. When a love relationship breaks down, our world collapses. What do we do? It would be worth making every effort to adequately assess the situation and yourself in it, analyze the facts, think logically, without giving vent to emotions, and, as a result, form a new, more sober view of your partner, the world and yourself - and live on, proceeding from from this sober vision (without falling into the other extreme - hatred). But in order to honestly accept reality, you need to have a certain strength, power over yourself. It takes work, and a lot. We do not want to work on ourselves, we do not know how to do this, we have no experience in this. Therefore, we act easier: we close our eyes to facts, do not even try to analyze events, deceive ourselves. We build our attitude to the situation and to the partner who has left us on the basis of previous feelings for him - in this way, we, consciously or unconsciously, try to prevent the destruction of our surreal world. We cling to these old feelings, even if they bring us suffering, just as alcohol and drug addicts cling to drugs, realizing that they are destroying themselves.

We cannot get out of the crisis, into which we are in this way, because, firstly, as a rule, we do not understand its causes. We see the reason for the crisis in the fact that we were abandoned. But in fact, the reason is different: we are afraid, and we simply do not know how to form a sober view of the partner and the whole situation, and therefore we do not understand that the previous relationship in the form in which they existed is simply not necessary for us.

And secondly, even if at the logic level we realized that we should not try to return a partner, that this relationship does not bring happiness, this is not enough. Because at the level of emotions we still want to return to the old relationship, despite the fact that the partner's behavior clearly does not speak of respect and love for us. Thus, a bifurcation of a person occurs: “I understand everything with my mind, but I can’t do anything with myself”.

Why can't I? Because I do not know how to control my feelings, I do not know how to control myself. More than once we have heard: "Trust your heart, it will not deceive." But in fact, feelings are deceiving (read about this in the article The Drunken Commander, or Where Feelings Lead Us). By the way, psychological dependence is more severe in women, in particular, because women are more influenced by feelings than men, and are more inclined to surrender to them completely.

In addition, old feelings for a partner who has left us are significantly reinforced by various kinds fears... It would be more accurate to say that fears and feelings overwhelming us mutually reinforce each other, this is a vicious circle. Fear of the future, fear of change, fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown and uncertainty ... and all these fears are based on one basic thing - the fear of reality.

How does this vicious circle form? We are afraid of reality - the way it really is. We do not want to accept it - because we do not know how to behave in it, we do not orient ourselves in it. We feel uncomfortable, insecure in the real world, and therefore we try in every possible way to get away from reality, instead of accepting it, studying the laws of its functioning and following them. We grab onto our illusions, our sensory perception of life, and first of all, our previous feelings for the departed partner. This is how fears reinforce our feelings.

But feelings, in turn, also reinforce fears in the following way. Uncontrollable feelings, primarily pride, dominate us. Under their influence, we live in a distorted world, they prevent us from forming a sober view of the world and ourselves. This unreal world is extremely dear to us, we feel in it like a fish in water, because to live in it, we do not need to work on ourselves, we just need to surrender to our emotions and go with the flow. As a result, we become dependent on this unreal world, so we are afraid of losing it, we are afraid of reality... The circle is complete.

This is analogous to how an alcoholic is afraid of sobering up, afraid of returning to reality. Moreover, he is dependent not on any specific alcoholic drink, but on his state of intoxication - he does not care what he drinks, just to get drunk and not face reality. Therefore, often a person, having recovered from alcohol addiction, falls into some other addiction, for example, gambling addiction.

Fears, including fear of reality, are a form of obsessive thoughts. They prevent us from living and being happy. Therefore, it is important for us to separate ourselves from these thoughts, to realize that these fears, these considerations are not mine. They came from outside, and we do not need to accept them at all. On the contrary, they need to be fought with. Read about this in the article Psychological and Spiritual Methods for Overcoming Obsessive Thoughts.

So, fears and out of control inappropriate emotions, existing in symbiosis, take deep roots in our soul. Together they successfully feed all sorts of unhealthy addictions, such as sexual addiction, dependence on incorrect stereotypes of behavior that have formed during our life, dependence on public opinion, on their own pride, on money, on the prestige of their "status", on various kinds of pleasures and etc. I think it will not be a mistake to say what exactly dependence on everything earthly, temporary Orthodoxy calls passions... They control us, we often say about them: "This is stronger than me." The Apostle Paul wrote about our bondage to passions: “The desire for good is in me, but I do not find it to do it. The good that I want I do not do, but the evil that I do not want I do ”(Rom. 7: 18-19).

According to the great connoisseur of the human soul, Saint Theophan the Recluse, “most of all, the heart is tyrannized by passion. If there were no passions, there would be, of course, troubles, but they would never torment hearts as they torment passions ... These evil passions, when they are satisfied, give joy, but short-term, and when they are not satisfied, but, on the contrary, they meet the opposite , then they cause long and unbearable grief. "

To get rid of psychological addiction, it is necessary to fight passions... Only in this way can one come to true freedom, become a full-fledged, strong person who controls his own life, and does not complain that his own feelings hold him captive and prevent him from being happy. This is the path of spiritual growth, education and improvement of one's soul, the beginning and basis of which is sobriety, that is, the formation and maintenance of a sober, adequate view of the world and of oneself. The more soberly we look at ourselves and at the situation, the less we depend on this situation, on our feelings, on a partner ... and the less things can take us out of the state of mental equilibrium. And the more we depend on God.

If we return to the question of choice - who to depend on?- raised by us at the beginning of the article, the answer to it seems to be this: we can prefer either dependence on people, things, circumstances ... or dependence on God. The third is not given: either dependence on the temporary, transitory, or dependence on the eternal. Moreover, the more we depend on people, the less we depend on God, the less we are interested in God and His opinion about us. And vice versa: the more we depend on God, the more we live for His sake, we strive to please Him - the less we depend on everything else, the less our happiness is threatened by the vicissitudes of fate.

Dependence on God can be compared to dependence of the infant on the mother... And if we turn to this example, we will understand how exactly dependence on someone who truly loves you can be a source of joy, calmness, confidence, we will understand that such dependence does not burden, does not torment, but on the contrary - makes us happy. Why? Because it is based on true, truly sacrificial love. A small child feels this love, and he completely trusts the mother, relies on her in everything. He entrusts his life, his future to her. And it is not burdened by this! On the contrary, he wants to be with his mother more often, he runs to her for consolation in case of any disorder, asks for help in any trouble. He knows - mom will protect, mom will understand, mom is everything for him. Because mom loves. And this little man's trust in his mother knows no bounds. He does not test how competent the mother is in matters of baby food, in matters of treatment, in matters of development, or even in matters of his personal safety. He doesn't check - he trusts. In everything. And always. He is completely dependent on his mother - and he is absolutely happy about it.

And vice versa. Everyone knows how unhappy the baby is, deprived of a mother, deprived of the very addiction that we just talked about. Raised by strangers, people who are indifferent to him, he quickly ceases to trust anyone, he grows up early, he often does not know how to love himself. Because no one really loved him ... Yes, such a child or teenager is often “free” and to a large extent independent - no one says what time he comes from the street, no one forbids smoking and drinking beer, no one forces University ... But is he happy, being so "independent"? the answer is obvious ...

The dependence of man on God is analogous to this dependence of the baby on the mother. The difference is that God loves us more than the most caring mother loves her child. Because God is perfect and His love is perfect. She is supremely sacrificial - to death, death on the cross.

It is no coincidence that the image of man as a sheep and Christ as a shepherd (shepherd) who "lays down his life for the sheep" runs through the whole of Christian philosophy as a red thread. A sheep can graze on the owner's pasture, obediently follow the shepherd wherever he leads her, trust him and, of course, completely depend on him. However, using its freedom, the sheep can choose a different path and escape from the flock. Then, of course, it will cease to depend on the shepherd, but it will depend on everything else that it didn’t depend on before: on the weather, on wild animals, on the availability of food ... Like this sheep, each of us makes his own choice.

It is interesting that in Orthodoxy a person is called "THE WORK OF GOD", And this is not abusive, but natural. And at the same time, the Gospel says, “Do not be made slaves to men” (1 Cor. 7:23). That is, the Gospel directly indicates the right choice. Unfortunately, we do it in favor of being a slave to man. Maybe we should change our choice in favor of God?

Dependency on God- this is the only type of addiction that does not make us suffer, but, on the contrary, leads us to real joy. And this is the only way we can drive out all kinds of pathological addictions from our souls, because, as we said at the beginning, a person cannot depend on anyone. At first glance, it is paradoxical, but it is precisely in dependence on God that a person gains true freedom.

While a person is in the circle of vicious addictions, he only considers himself free, sometimes not noticing how connected he is. According to Saint Theophan, “the passions ... being driven out, leave a person as a real person, while by their presence they spoil him and make him a face, in many cases worse than animals. When they own a person and a person loves them, then they become so akin to human nature that when a person acts on them, it seems as if he is acting from his own nature. It seems so because a person, having obeyed them, acts on them self-willingly and even happens to be convinced that it is impossible otherwise: nature. "

Do we not recognize ourselves in these words? This is how we, chasing the illusory freedom "to want and have", obeying, sometimes blindly, a hedonistic approach to life, actually fall into dependence, that is, we achieve the opposite result: thinking that we have found freedom, we bind ourselves to the strongest dependence. At the same time, most often we are not aware of our slave position, of submission to our own needs and whims. So, voluntarily, we are deprived of the most valuable thing - freedom. Perhaps a serious mental and spiritual crisis is the right time to think: if I have freedom, that is, what I have always wanted, then why am I so BAD?

Is it because true freedom lies not at all in the ability to satisfy the overwhelming part of your needs, but in freedom from the dictatorship of unbridled feelings, in the ability to manage your actions rationally, and not at the behest of a whim, which is one today, tomorrow is different? Dependency on God gives us just such freedom, freedom that never passes, not depending on the circumstances. If we are truly free, then we are no longer tormented by the fears that we talked about above. Having embarked on the path of sobriety, educating our souls, we gradually eradicate the passions that torment us, and cultivate instead positive qualities that are so necessary - not for someone, but first of all for ourselves. Not God, but we need our virtues, because they adorn and heal our own soul, thus making us happier, calmer and more joyful. To put it simply, the "mechanism" is:

We learn to be sober and fight our passions - more-

We see the world adequately, without distortions and without illusions - further-

We accept the circumstances of our life (which we cannot influence) as they are, without falling into depression - further-

· We get rid of fears, because we do not have the main fear that generates others - the fear of reality - further-

Tame passions and get rid of fears, we cut the roots of our unhealthy addictions - more-

Instead of unhealthy addictions, we find ourselves dependent on God - further-

We gain true freedom and thus we become much happier.

I think this is exactly what each of us wants.

An example of people who were truly independent from everything that was transitory, accepted reality as it is, without losing peace of mind, whom nothing could upset and bring out of the state of true harmony and peace of the soul - Orthodox saints can serve, in particular, the Monk Sergius of Radonezh, the faithful prince Dimitry Donskoy, the new martyrs and confessors of Russia ... We should learn from them: voluntarily surrendering themselves to the will of God, being completely dependent on Him, they were completely free from unhealthy addictions, in the swamp of which we are bogged down.

And if we talk about our relationships with loved ones, then they can also - and should - be built on a different basis than we are used to. We are used to building them on the desire to satisfy our need to be loved, that is, in fact, on selfishness. But by developing a relationship in this way, we end up not with true love, but with an unhealthy dependence on a partner, stronger or less strong. (We are dependent on a partner because he satisfies our need to be loved. If he ceases to satisfy this need, then we find ourselves in a difficult crisis - after all, we have chosen this need as a basis).

And true love is achievable if we build relationships on the same basis of true freedom. If we can truly, with all our souls, attach ourselves to God, then our attachment to our beloved will be different: we will look at him through the prism of eternity, we will love in him that which is imperishable: his soul. We will see in her the true beauty that lives in each of us as in the creation of God, we will see and fall in love with what Metropolitan Anthony of Sourozh called "the radiance of eternal life." And when our love sprouts with its roots in eternity, then separation from our beloved, if it happens, will not be a disaster for us - even without seeing a person, we will be able to more or less rejoice in the spiritual and spiritual beauty that we saw and loved in it, and which is immortal. In support of these words, let us quote the words of Blessed Augustine, spoken by him in grief about the death of his wife: “Is this sorrow so easily and deeply entered my soul, not because I poured my soul into the sand, having fallen in love with a mortal being as if it were not subject to death? ? .. Only he does not lose anything dear, to whom all are dear in the One who cannot be lost. "

So, we need to recover from addiction and strive for true freedom, for life with God.

Let's think: do we need to reinvent the wheel - try to work out some new way to get rid of addictions - if everything has already been invented and tested, verified by the experience of centuries? Isn't it easier to turn to this experience, because even if we do not like it, we will not lose anything. Although if we wholeheartedly accept this invaluable experience and diligently work on ourselves, we will not need anything else.

So what steps need to be taken to recover from psychological addiction?

1. Focus on reality: shift the focus from your own feelings to reality, to the actual state of affairs. Reasoning logically, make a sober view of the situation and of yourself in it. You can read about this in more detail in the above-mentioned article Drunken Commander, or Where Our Feelings Lead.

2. Separately highlight the need forming a reasonable, sober view of the ex-partner and relationship with him. This is essential. It is necessary to analyze the actions of the partner, pay attention not to his words, but to his deeds, and on this basis form an opinion about him. It is worth pondering the words of the Gospel: “There is no good tree that bears bad fruit; and there is no bad tree that bears good fruit. For every tree is known by its fruit. " (Luke 6, 43-44).

It is important to understand that the Gospel with these words does not call us to condemn a person, to put the label “BAD!” On him, but speaks about something else - about a sober look at a person, about a clear recognition of his shortcomings and merits. Seeing the negative sides of a person does not at all free us from the commandment to love him, on the contrary, it leads us to ensure that our love becomes true, real, and not blind worship of an idol, whom they themselves have elevated to the throne.

So, it is extremely important, after taking a sober look at a former partner, not to condemn him and not fall into hatred - and it is this temptation that lies in wait for us in a situation of addiction. Surrendering to hatred with the same recklessness as before "love" (passion) is the easiest way, but you shouldn't do that. It is about these passionate and unhealthy feelings that they say that from one to the other is just a step. This is really so - we do not know how to control emotions by reason, so it is easiest for us to change one passion-guide for another, to hate as much as we “loved” before (that is, we thought we loved. If we loved truly, then of course would not hate, because "Love never fails"). To surrender to a new passion - hatred - is convenient, habitual, there is no need to think ... But you still need to avoid it with all your might, it destroys our soul.

3. Learn to constantly control your senses with your mind... Do not allow emotions to return oneself to the former unhealthy and extremely biased attitude towards the situation, and when emotions "attack" by the mind, return oneself to an already formed (see points 1 and 2) sober view of the state of affairs. To do this, you need to fight obsessive thoughts, and often you will have to literally forcibly switch your attention to something more pleasant and “correct” (this is individual).

A very good means of controlling emotions by the mind is a "conversation" between a rational person and a sensual one (meaning two people living in each of us). The sensible asks questions to the sensual, he tries to answer. It may come as a surprise to us that there will most likely be nothing to answer - thus, an emotional person himself will be forced to admit his defeat, that is, reason will prevail over emotions, and this is what we are trying to achieve.

Example: Why do I think my departed spouse will return to me? Is there any rationale for this? The answer is NO. Then why am I counting on it and thinking about it 90% of the time? You can also keep a similar diary, write down your thoughts, inspired by emotions, and consider them with a logical look.

4. Necessary forgive a former partner... As we said above, in no case should one fall into hatred. If we hate a person, we will not be able to get rid of the addiction in relation to this person, just this addiction will take on new forms. As long as we do not forgive our partner, we continue to be connected with him - our grievances. And any more or less serious connection is again an addiction.

We need to strive for a Christian attitude towards the person who has left us, despite the suffering that he has caused us. It would be nice to pray for him, to the best of your ability.

It is important to analyze everything that happened, and find YOUR own mistakes, and ask your partner for forgiveness for them, as well as carry out "work on mistakes" - so as not to repeat them again.

In addition, we will try to understand who left us. Yes, he is in some way (maybe very much) wrong, but we will not treat him with hostility and malice, but as someone who is obsessed with passions, sick of the soul.

James RAPSON

psychotherapist

Craig INGLISH

Writer

Nice people do everything too much: they adjust too much, they apologize too much. They float through life, adjusting and giving in - in an attempt to please everyone. They strive to please others, even if they are ignored or insulted. Such people show anxiety in relationships: through dependence, ingratiating themselves, excessive readiness to cave in to other people's desires. They are always worried about what others think of them. And every time they are surprised when they are rejected. Nice people often suffer from feelings of inadequacy and fear of failure. They feel that they have to prove their worth and excellence over and over again, and although they may be quite competent in professional and social life, they continue to be constantly nervous.

Watch yourself

Our primary tool for overcoming anxious attachment is the practice of mindfulness. Our task is to observe obsessive thoughts and feelings that arise over and over again, and pull them out into the light, where they lose their power. Mindfulness increases anxiety at first. Moreover, we notice that we are still overwhelmed with feelings of unspoken resentment, anger and constant anxiety, which we secretly stored within ourselves. These feelings are so different from the image that we diligently created: for glorious people not allowed angry or anxious. As a child, we learned that negative emotions do not bring us the love we need, and therefore these feelings are not for us. And when such feelings arise, we consider them - and ourselves - bad, disgusting, spoiled, evil. Impartial mindfulness requires that we learn to observe thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations without dividing them into “bad” and “good”. Only by accepting and carefully examining them, we will be able to discover their cause, which means we will be able to change. The habit of judging sits very deeply (sometimes we even condemn our own condemnation!), The practice of mindfulness is dedicated to understanding this habit and getting rid of it. Over time, as we learn to pay attention to self-condemnation, it will begin to disappear.

Stay alone

People affected by anxious attachment usually fear being neglected, abandoned. They will constantly sacrifice their time, energy and self-esteem, just not to be alone. As a result, they often find themselves in relationships that do not bring them joy, playing roles that are harmful to them, even if the relationship itself does not give them the desired sense of security. This is why the conscious choice of solitude is an extremely important experience for a transforming personality. When done with care and compassion, loneliness can be a good laboratory for exploring emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations, and behaviors.

One of the main results of the seclusion period is the development of the "muscle of loneliness". If you practice loneliness in a meaningful and moderate manner, you will endure it more and more calmly, without worrying about your separation from others. The tricky part is learning to love yourself the way a caring parent loves their child: certainly, no matter what you find, and as much as you can. An important part of solitude practice is to develop specific skills in self-care. This can be a daunting task for nice people who have long come to terms with the fact that being addicted is the order of the day.

Understand what you want

“What do I believe in? What are my values? How should I live? " Nice people avoid these three questions if the answers contradict their habit of adjusting to the needs of those around them. Our whole life is a constant work on the formation of personal ethics. Any situation that requires a person to make a decision is suitable for this purpose. A glorious person in each specific case is likely to succumb to someone else's desires - not because he always agrees with them, and not because he considers such a choice correct, but because he is afraid to be the cause of the conflict: he risks lose friendship, love, or status. A transforming person in a similar situation will look inward and ask himself: "What do I think is right?" These are the words of a warrior.

Don't suppress aggression

You should understand that aggression is part of your personality. Actually, it is necessary for all living things. Appreciate the determination and persistence with which a crow attacks breadcrumbs, a puppy fights its siblings, and a 3-year-old tries to get attention. Of course, the suppression of aggression does not get rid of the passions that provoke it, just aggression turns into hidden, passive forms. Transforming people are more likely to find that skillful management of aggression is a lot of fun, because at the same time, dreams break free. We finally realize our desires, boldly strive for them and reap the fruits of our actions.

Set boundaries

Nice people find it difficult to establish personal boundaries, because there is always a risk of offending someone by the fact of their existence. It will take a conscious effort in the beginning, but the results will be worth it. Weak boundaries kill relationships, and in others they breed mistrust and disrespect. Strong boundaries give you confidence and attract other people. If someone tells us that they do not want to be called before nine in the morning, we can trust this information and feel grateful that such a wish was expressed. For contrast, imagine that when asked if we are calling too early, we hear “No problem,” but the tone of our voice makes it clear that the problem is there is... They try to be "nice" with us, but this is not particularly pleasant, and at the same time we lose respect for the interlocutor.

Get rid of illusions

The practice of getting rid of illusions will help people who have embarked on the path of transformation to part with both magical fantasies and the expectation of a tragic end, and also to see those around them as they are. A person free from illusions will be able to experience fuller intimacy, better sex, and genuine joy in a relationship. Ideal creation is based on the belief that serving an idol will bring happiness and contentment.

Of course, this is far from reality. In this case, there is not and cannot be true love or destiny sent by heaven. No real person can make us whole. This is a task for ourselves. Of course, other people will help us along the way - friends, lovers, spouses, psychotherapists, teachers and mentors - but the task of satisfying our own needs lies with ourselves. This truth is difficult to accept. At first we resist her by invoking our habitual thoughts: "If I am nice enough, she will give me everything I need." We must remind ourselves over and over again that no one person can fill the void in our heart.

Don't be afraid of your dark side

Nice people diligently hide their dark side. The problem is not that the dark side is bad, but that we hate it. Interestingly, the process of exploring the dark side awakens exactly the properties that we want to develop in ourselves. Dealing with and accepting vindictiveness, weakness, and anxiety develops forgiveness, strength, and calmness. Instead of hating their dark side, transforming people understand where it came from: this is the place in the soul that got the most. This pain needs to be taken care of, like a small child who bumped and wants to be fondled, distracted, played with, joked, in short, to be loved. When we become able to have compassion for our dark side, transformation is accelerated.

Stop thinking about your problems. It is clear that this is very difficult, and that difficult memories and regrets are difficult to get rid of, but you have to try. Think of it as if it were happy times. Try to spend as much time as possible with happy people so that you have the opportunity to push these difficult thoughts as far as possible.

Stop constantly listening to your MP3, iPod or Walkman and hiding in yourself. If you want to be happy, stop hanging out in your room or huddled in a corner listening to sad music that makes you want to mourn your uncomfortable life. It doesn't help, honestly. Spend the day not listening to music at all. If you're tempted to turn it back on, head out to meet your friends somewhere. It will help you develop socialization skills that will come in handy in the future! As a last resort, if you REALLY cannot do without it, listen to music, BUT use only one earphone, and leave the other ear free to perceive the pleasant moments of life around you - to which you are now blind - and stay in the present. If you turn on music, choose songs that are uplifting and inspiring!

Remember that a positive approach to life is installation. It may seem to you that the end of the world has come, or that your life is completely destroyed, but this is not so. This is just your pessimistic thinking! If you are one of those people who like to reflect, then think deeply about everything that worries you so much. Dig deeper into yourself and find out why you are constantly in a bad mood. Wake up in the morning and do something that will give you the opportunity to appreciate this life - watch the sunrise, take a morning run in the park, and so on. Tune in to a positive wave and NEVER take your life for granted.

Do things that make you happy, think positive, and spend time with people who know how to enjoy life. As a rule, happiness is contagious, and if there is a happy person next to you, then there is a great chance that you will feel happier too. If your mind keeps returning to problems, take your day. Go to the library and immerse yourself in books; start going to workouts at the gym; Come up with a new hobby - whatever, if only it takes away enough energy and time from you! By engaging yourself, you will see how immersion in activity drives the bad thoughts out of your head. Do even something stupid that allows you to laugh at yourself - this also creates a feeling of freedom and happiness. Relax! Don't make yourself laugh, but have some fun on your own. If you like, imagine you are giving a concert and turn your room into a concert hall or stadium. Sing, dance, act out, whatever! Laugh, smile, wink, flirt - to tears and pain in the stomach from laughter!

The habit of pleasing other people in everything has hidden negative consequences both for yourself and for those around you. When you are trying to please others:

You put on a mask and try to predict what to do, which makes you nervous and anxious.
Sometimes you feel cheated because people take advantage of your pleasing habits and often feel at odds with what you want deep down;
This can have an unintended effect on other people, as they may see right through you, begin to feel your inner discomfort, their own tension from it, and become embarrassed or upset when they realize that you are not sincere and open with them.

1. Understand: in relationships with some people, it’s not about you at all and not about your actions - no matter what you do

Some people just can't be please. It doesn't matter what you do.

Because it's not about you or what you do. The point is in this person himself. The fact that he had a bad month, the pet got sick, or he just doesn't like you. Or maybe he has a bad marriage, too much debt, or incessant toothache.

By realizing this and realizing that you cannot make everyone love you or avoid conflict all the time, you can begin to get rid of this useless and bad habit.

2. Learn to say no

When you want to please, refusing is, of course, difficult.

But it is vital to your own happiness, your emotional well-being, and to the life you really want to live.

Here are 5 things that helped me say no more often:

- Disarm the interlocutor and indicate your need. It is easier for people to accept your rejection if you disarm them first. For example, say that you are flattered and appreciate a kind offer. And then add that you simply do not have time for this request.

- If people are annoying, tell them how you feel. Communicate how you feel that the proposal doesn't quite fit into your life right now. Or that you feel overwhelmed or too busy to do whatever you want to do. Your sincere acknowledgment of your feelings will help people understand you better. It is also much more difficult to argue how you feel than what you think.

- Help a little. If possible, end by recommending someone who could help or would be better suited for the task. I do this quite often when I feel that I lack the knowledge or experience to help a reader or friend.

“By reminding yourself why it’s important to say no sometimes, you’re teaching people how you behave. They learn about you and your boundaries based on your actions. Therefore, if you stand your ground, say "no", be firm in relation to what you do not want, people will begin to understand this. And over time, you will less and less encounter situations where someone is trying to push you.

It's okay to feel a little guilty when you say no - but you don't need to be guided by that feeling. Just feel it and allow this feeling to be there for a while. But at the same time, remember: this does not mean at all that you should be guided by it and say "yes" or do what others want from you.

3. Remember: people don't care too much about what you say or do.

Looking back at the time when I tried to please other people, I can assume from my own experience that this is largely due to our perception, that people are very concerned about what we say and how we act.

But the truth is, as long as you are the protagonist of your life in your head, this is far from the case for other people. People have enough worries about their own lives. Their heads are filled with thoughts of their children, careers, hobbies, dreams and worries about what others might think of them.

By realizing this, you may feel less important. But you will become freer.

4. Learn to deal with criticism and verbal attacks (as well as fear of them)

Tip # 1 will help you deal with criticism and fear of it. Because sometimes it’s not about what you did or didn’t do, but about the other person and his or her life situation.

Here are some more tips to help me deal with negativity and criticism:

- Pause before answering. Take a couple of deep breaths first. By doing so, you reduce the risk of losing your temper or making mistakes. Calming yourself down a bit before answering is always a good idea.

Remember: you can just ignore it. You are not obligated to respond to all negative messages by email, social media, or in real life. You have the right to remain silent, ignore it and move on. Of course, this reaction will not work in every situation, but it is important to remember that from time to time you have the opportunity to do this.

“It's okay to disagree. It took me a while to understand this, because all the time I wanted to attract people to my side, to make them see things the way I saw them. But it's okay to have a discrepancy and leave it as it is. I found that life became simpler and easier when I began to accept this thought.

5. Set boundaries for yourself

If you start saying no to yourself, if you set some hard boundaries for yourself, then over time it will become easier to do the same towards other people. These boundaries can also help you better focus on what matters most to you.

Here are a few habits that have helped me with this:

- Set start and stop times. I don’t start work earlier than 8 in the morning, and turn off the computer no later than 7 in the evening.

- Work without distractions. I turn off notifications for instant messengers and emails. And I leave my smartphone at the other end of the apartment and turn on the quiet mode.

- Check email only once a day. Otherwise, I can easily lose focus, and a lot of thoughts will appear in my head, distracting from work.

6. Build Your Self-Esteem

Why is it important? By building on high self-esteem and good habits, you will value yourself and, as a result, your time and energy. Therefore, saying no when necessary will become a more natural process.

And criticism and negative words will bounce off of you more and more often.

Plus, you will be less concerned about whether someone else likes you or not. Because now you love and respect yourself more, and your dependence on what others might think or say will drop dramatically.

7. Focus on what you yourself want out of your life.

If you know what is most important to you and pay attention to it every day, you will naturally start saying no and stop trying to please people. Because now your energy and time are mostly focused on your needs and desires.

You no longer go with the flow without a clear goal (which is great, because when you don’t have one, it’s very easy to fall into the trap in which you agree to what someone else wants from you).

So how to apply this knowledge in practice?

Understanding what you want deep down can take a while. But the following might be a good start:

- Ask yourself: what are the 3 most important things in my life right now? This could be your business, family, career, health, dog, photography, football, improving your social life, and rearranging your home. Or something else.

- Come up with 1-3 reminders. Write down the three things that matter most to you on a small piece of paper. And put it on your bedside table so that you see the list first thing every morning. You can also make two more of the same notes to hang one, for example, on the refrigerator, and put the other next to the workplace.

These two simple tricks have helped me a lot in acting and remembering my priorities every day. All the time I keep before my eyes what is of the greatest importance to me.

There is not a single person in the world who does not care about the opinions of others. No matter how we convince ourselves that we do not care, it is extremely difficult to avoid other people's influence.

And the more the number of people around us, the more opinions, the more time and nerves we spend on them. Would you like to spit on all this, close your eyes and ears and get out of the terrible shackles of this addiction forever?

It is very easy to say “don't listen to them” or “don't look at them”. To do this, of course, is much more difficult.

Boundaries of other people's assessments

It is very easy to say “don't listen to them” or “don't look at them”. To do this, of course, is much more difficult. On the street, at work, in the subway, at home, we are surrounded by a huge number of people. Just imagine: you are walking down the street in a new dress, it is specially made for you, to order, and not a single person in the world will walk in the same. However, there are those people from the crowd who cast an evil and contemptuous look at you. Different thoughts begin to fly in your head about this at a frantic speed: his gaze was a manifestation of envy, or ... What if this dress doesn't suit me, suddenly I look too thick, what if it's not carefully ironed? A self-confident girl will say: "Pure envy, I won't even be nervous." And the insecure will worry, because she depends on someone else's opinion.

Here's another example from your personal life. You are looked after by a charming young man, he gives beautiful bouquets and expensive chocolate, wants to please your mother and does not prohibit meeting with her friends. Everything would be fine, but only the girlfriends, for example, “noticed” that your boyfriend is rude to women, they allegedly “saw how badly he did” with such and such a lady. This information is verified, because it was reported by some unfamiliar friend of your friend Masha from the fifth entrance. She added that your boyfriend is not so good-looking. And in your head again thinking: "What if he is really a rude blockhead with an outstanding appearance?" As you can see, someone else's assessment can relate to our appearance, work, study, personal life - all areas in which we find ourselves. In addition to strangers, distant girlfriends and best friends, there are also close relatives, whose opinions we also especially listen to. After all, we live among these people who often determine who we are and what we are. That is why it is wrong to completely renounce and not be interested in other people's views, you just need to adequately distinguish between just public opinion and the terrible dependence on it.

6 answers to the question "What to do"

1 Realize the equality of people before each other
The worst thing for people with a similar problem is the negative reaction of others, which can be expressed both in words and in assault. However, often they are afraid of words much more. Therefore, first you need to clearly decide for yourself that there will be a positive one for each negative reaction. The opinion of one person is not more important and not more correct than yours, because all people, despite the fact that they are individual in their views, are equal in their rights.
2 Decide on your goals in life
A person who does not know what he wants from life is constantly confused in a series of other people's opinions. He has not yet set his priorities, therefore, the said phrase by a familiar person is perceived as a kind of call for action. If you are worried about a negative opinion about a potential groom, think about what you like about him and what you don't, what character traits you can turn a blind eye to, and which are especially important. After you decide, think about the words of the interlocutor: is the information that he tells you is so important?
3 Remember your victories
Think about what deeds you have done and what you have achieved in this or that area on your own. We are sure that you have an excellent track record of victories behind you, which you have achieved thanks to your efforts and character traits.
4 "Crawl" into your soul
This stage is one of the most difficult. His main tasks: mentally simulate situations that are unpleasant to you, remember what has ever happened to you or could have happened. Next, think about what mistakes you made, as a result of which you began to focus on someone else's opinion. See if there is any benefit to the person you are talking to in that you start thinking in the same direction. Answer the question for yourself, only honestly and frankly: why are you afraid to resist other people's opinions? Learn to listen to yourself.
5 Overcome fear
6 Communicate more
Remember the phrase: "How many people, so many opinions"? To hear different points of view, communicate more, make new acquaintances, say goodbye to old ones, replenish your phone book with new numbers and be sure to call. Learn to speak and express your opinion.

The realization that you are no longer dependent on what the other person said does not come immediately. Perhaps a month, or even a year, will pass before you catch yourself thinking that the opinion of another person is just his thought and point of view, which has a right to exist, you can listen to it, but it is not a guide to action.