The guy offered to stay on good terms. Condition for friendship between a man and a woman after parting

Hello! In May I started dating a young man, he was 27 years old, I was 24 then. We studied together then, he suggested going somewhere. On the first date, it came to sex, I thought it was all over, but no. On his own initiative, he began to write and call, we began to meet, two weeks after we met, he invited his friends to the wedding. Everything went fine, as in a fairy tale - no quarrels, misunderstandings. We are in touch every day, even when one of us was away. The bed is also perfect. We saw each other every two or three days, stayed with each other for the night. Once we went to another city. Candy-bouquet stage by by and large did not have. He brought me bread, eggs and milk when he came home. Once I lost some document at home, asked me to search his apartment. We went to Ikea together, chose furniture for him (we didn't live together). Everything looked like a fairly mature relationship.
In September, we were both supposed to go to graduate school. Both did not enter, with the same scores. On the day of the announcement of the results, my young man went on vacation to Spain (I will make a reservation that we both live in Poland, he is Pole, I am Russian). Two days later I entered the postgraduate course by correspondence. He was in Spain for two weeks. The first 8 days everything went as usual - calls, SMS whenever possible. Then for three days I did not get in touch (it was planned, because I was in the mountains, there were problems with communication). And then he suddenly didn't get in touch, wrote on Facebook that he was returning and that we would meet in two days. Two days later he came to my house (I had just moved, he had not yet been in this apartment) and said that while he was in the mountains, he thought a lot about "life without graduate school." And that he never told me that he loves me and most likely does not love me. This is not entirely true - he said that he fell in love, called his beloved, etc. He offered to remain friends, he insisted on this very much. He also said that he would soon leave Poland for a long time anyway (he then tried to enter the Ministry of Foreign Affairs, later it did not work out and did not leave anywhere).
I was so shocked that I could not eat or sleep for several days. I sat at work and just looked at one point. She invited him to talk. She calmly explained her position - that I think that we should try to maintain the relationship, that this is all unexpected, that if the matter is in graduate school, I am ready to drop out. And what if he didn’t tell me “I love you” for six months, but at the same time - and in this we agreed - the relationship was very good, then you should not cut it off. He listened, said he would think, was embarrassed enough. A few days later he came again and said that there was no point and that we would still part. One of the arguments was that he broke up with his girlfriend in high school, then they tried to date again and fell out so that they completely stopped communicating. The fact that 10 years have passed does not bother him.
From that moment on, we are so-called friends. That is, it looks like this: we correspond on Facebook (mainly on my initiative), and occasionally meet at my home. I haven't been to him for two months. He does not avoid these meetings; last time sat for 2.5 hours. We do not talk about personal life, only about travel (both travelers), about books, plans, etc.
I didn't have before him Serious relationships, everything ended very quickly. I didn't trust him from the beginning. Perhaps one of the reasons was that once I was raped by one of my acquaintances, and after that I find it difficult to make contact with other men. The young man does not know about it.
I don't know what to do. Playing friends starts to get tiresome. I don’t understand why he left me and why not completely? When I broke off a relationship with someone, it was firmly and forever. Now I do not break off contact with him just because I hope that the old relationship will resume. For what reason he does not cut them off - I do not know.
He did not have new girl, he acted towards me, apparently, fairly honestly. All articles advise to remember the negative moments in the relationship, but we did not have them. No quarrels, no conflicts, no jealousy.
I am now consumed by memories, and all sorts of little things (like hanging out together or making coffee in the morning). I cry every night. The idea of ​​looking for someone else seems disgusting. I ask for your advice: why did it happen, why is this situation now and what to do? Thank you in advance. Olga

Psychologists' Answers

Hello Olga.

The situation is really difficult. Difficult not with events, but with how you emotionally deal with it.

1. Does this happen?

Yes, it happens when, on the rise of a great relationship, a man suddenly disappears without clear explanations, or distances himself.

This is especially difficult because the reason is not clear, and the girls begin to look for it in themselves, tormenting themselves with questions of what is wrong and what they can do.

2. How to be?

Accept the fact that you are not guilty of anything and that you cannot do anything, but you feel very bad about it. Make a decision to end the torture or prolong it. Tell the man that you are in pain and that such a relationship does not suit you. This is definitely not friendship, since friendship is built only on mutual interest and pleasure, trust and sincerity, and your relationship is more likely to be built on restraining sincerity and increasing tension. You feel constrained and not free.

from this it follows that either you can stop everything and accept the breakup, mourning it and forgetting, or continue to wait, realizing that this torments you and may never lead to anything.

I can add on my own that keeping a man in such a relationship can, for example, be a sense of guilt or, on the contrary, a sense of power. but this is just one of many that can be.

Biryukova Anastasia, Gestalt therapy in St. Petersburg and Skype around the world

Hello Olga!

It is difficult to say for what reason your boyfriend translated your relationship into a friendly format, but you will have to accept this. Until you accepted, but resigned yourself, therefore, you experience pain. You still have expectations that everything will come back.

Accept that now he is ready only for friendship, and after that decide what you will do next - be friends, without the desire to have something more, wait, without deadlines and guarantees that he will again want to resume a man-woman relationship, or, if you do not need him as a friend, end this relationship.

Only by accepting the situation like this. what it is, you can make your conscious choice... By making your own decision, you will take yourself off the hook of the excruciating wait. As long as you wait, the situation is unlikely to change. Read my article I hope you find it useful.

If you need help, please contact. You can work on Skype.

Marina Stolyarova, consultant psychologist, St. Petersburg

Hello Olga!

This happens when the views on their existing relations between the partners themselves do not coincide with regard to their prospects. The “perfect picture” is different for everyone. In addition, at a subconscious level, someone in a pair may have heightened expectations and claims to oneself, as to a person: "worthy - not worthy", "pulling - not pulling." It's a matter of ambition. Most often, this occurs in men, based on the position: “A man should be better than women, more educated, smarter, etc. " While reading your question, I remembered an episode from the old Soviet film "Big Change". There the main character- the young historian Nestor Petrovich did not enter graduate school, and his fiancee Polina bypassed him according to the results of the examination committee, thereby receiving the only budget place... Nestor Petrovich was quite self-confident, even narcissistic, and when he was defeated, in essence from his bride, it turned the world upside down in his eyes. It became impossible for him to continue a relationship with the successful Polina.

So in your case, there is no question about love, about the continuation of the relationship until the man accepts himself with all his victories and defeats, himself real, and not ideal.

Some people think that parting should be preceded by quarrels, endless showdowns. This is also a delusion. For some, sorting out the relationship is meaningless, because they have already decided everything for themselves for a long time. And if someone does not agree, then these are his problems.

Take what happened as a fact. Do not "break spears" in search of truth, do not overload yourself with the analysis of other people's actions, with the search for the guilty or shortcomings in yourself. Don't settle for a relationship you don't need. Take time to “cool down” from old events in your personal life, leave them in your memory as an invaluable experience with all their pros and cons, and then clearly formulate for yourself what kind of relationship with a man you need and what they will be based on.

Good luck! Respectfully yours, consultant psychologist, Oksana Spasichenko. St. Petersburg.

Oksana Spasichenko, psychologist in St. Petersburg

If the guy said let's be friends

Do not be discouraged if this sounds strange and stupid to you, because at first glance, bad things always lead to better. Probably, this is not your person and no matter how hard you resist, but having left you, he made room for the most worthy, loving and real person. He understood this before you, which is why he withdrew. No need to return it, don't cling to it. The pain will pass, it is needed so that you do not make any mistakes the next time and be a little more careful. In the meantime, you will calm down, analyze, think and draw your own conclusions. Don't blame yourself for not becoming the man of your life. No need to become Snow Queen with a cold heart, he is not worthy of it.

Throw yourself headlong into work, this is a proven way to get the bad thoughts out of your head. Even if he comes back, then by that time you will have feelings for him or a new hobby will appear.

Take a trip somewhere. It can be a picnic trip or a nearby town, or a fashion tour to an exotic country, or a trip around the world that will distract you from unpleasant thoughts about it.

Go in for sports. This refers to intensive sports, this The best way to get rid of all the nonsense and unwind.

Find a new hobby for yourself, it can be refresher courses, extreme driving, macrame and so on. Do not sit idle for a minute and who knows, maybe this new hobby will play a useful role in your future life.

Do you know what will suit you trite? This is self-care. Take with triple energy and do manicure, face masks, dance in front of the mirror in the most beautiful underwear for half an hour, turn on relaxation music and take a bath with sea ​​salt and with herbs. Do not listen to a single song that will remind you of him, throw away all rubbish and dried flowers. Nothing like this should remain to remind you of your ex-lover. In this way, your wounds will heal quickly. Just throw yourself into the whirlpool of life. It will take you about a month to recover a little. Drive away the dead-end thoughts that he will understand who he has lost and will return to you. This will no longer help, he has formed his own impression of you and he will not give up on him.

Finally, you can add - look around, the world is so beautiful, and what you are experiencing now are just small temporary difficulties, you will soon overcome them and remember this with a smile. Rejoice at fate that she divorced you from such a person. True love will definitely visit your heart and the person who will be with you will be the best man for you.

Relationship psychology

10331

24.02.14 15:45

Is there a friendship between a man and a woman? This age-old question has never been answered. And what if a man offers friendship himself, only he does it instead of continuing romantic relationship?

Do you love him?

First, you need to answer the question: do you like this man? Do you love him or not? At first glance, these questions have nothing to do with the main problem, but a truthful answer will help you sort out your own feelings.

If you have known this man for a long time, and have not yet decided for yourself whether you like him or not, and he also offers the continuation of friendship, then why not agree. There is nothing wrong. Even if you remain friends and not partners in love, then so be it.

It's another matter if you managed to fall in love with a man. If a guy offers to just be friends, it may mean that he is not interested in you as a girl. In this case, it will be very painful for you to be his friend, watching how he meets other girls, how he kisses your girlfriends, etc.

Why does a man offer friendship

You should also understand the true reasons why a man offers friendship instead of relationship. There are many options, the most common are:

• he has another girlfriend whom he is not yet ready to leave;
• He likes you, but he is not yet ready to take responsibility for the family that will soon form if you continue to build a romantic relationship;
• the man likes to communicate with you, to have fun, but as a girl you are indifferent to him;
• the guy cannot figure out himself, so he temporarily offers to leave friendly relations;
• he turned out to be gay. For a girl, this can be a very interesting discovery, however, such cases also occur.

Based on the true reason for such an act on the part of a man, we can talk about what should be done and what should be avoided.

• Deal with it and keep looking for your soul mate.
• You should not reproach yourself that the man did not like you, constantly oppress and humiliate yourself. You beautiful girl with its own merits and advantages. Just forget that you dreamed of ever being in wedding dress next to this guy. Start looking for another partner who is worthy of you.
• The man who proposed friendship, if he really loves you, will definitely come back to you and offer a serious, romantic relationship. In the meantime, do not fill your head with unnecessary thoughts and desires about this.

It is noteworthy that when girls offer friendship instead of a serious relationship, this often means the following - "I am ready to make friends with you, to look at you, and maybe we will meet." At the same time, the male phrase "Let's stay friends" often means that he does not want to continue the relationship, and they are unlikely to ever develop into romantic ones. Remember that your mood, spiritual and physical condition, and even your future fate depends on how you behave in this situation.

Perhaps the phrase "Let's stay friends" is one of the most undesirable in a conversation between lovers. Moreover, as practice shows, most often people cannot continue to communicate in a friendly format. How to behave if once your man offered to be just friends with him from now on? And is it worth trying to get it back?

Shall we stay or part?

Parting as a couple is one of the most dramatic moments, and it seems natural for both parties to want to avoid heartache and disappointment. But what if one of the partners is still sure that the relationship can be established, and the other is already tuned in to new life and a new relationship?

Since love always implies reciprocity, parting seems to be one of the most logical options in this case. In an attempt to avoid tears and reproaches from the one who is, in fact, abandoned, the initiator of the breakup may offer to "stay friends."

Do not be fooled, because this beautiful phrase, in fact, is a diplomatic formulation that implies the complete finale of relations in their usual format. The offer to remain friends often has one goal - to end the relationship as gently as possible and to soften the severity of the partner's feelings.

However, there is also an egoistic component, because by offering his former passion to remain friends, a man most often tries to avoid tears and attempts to return the relationship from her. In general, this is one of the attempts to leave beautifully, to end the relationship that has lost its relevance on a positive note.

In truth…

If, in response to an ardent declaration of love, you heard an offer to remain friends, then admit honestly at least to yourself - your feelings were rejected. No, no, most likely, you will be able to communicate with someone who is so dear to your heart, but this man simply does not need your love. Perhaps he has another, or you were not in his taste - if a man is interested in continuing the relationship, he will not offer friendship.

Most likely, your man simply does not have the courage to say that he is not ready for a relationship with you, and the result is a "diplomatic game" in which there can be no winners. Friendship presupposes sincere and open communication based on complete trust, and such an offer often implies a lot of unspokenness. You are embarrassed to break the very line where friendship ends and love begins. The man is also in tension, because he understands perfectly well that you have not friendly feelings towards him. And as a result, instead of sincere and casual communication, you get fake conversations or complete avoidance of someone who was recently offered friendship.