Why is a stranger closer than a family. Why did man become man? Why do people become strangers

Letters from afar

"Please tell me, what kind of relationship do you have with your siblings?"
Why do the closest people often become strangers or even enemies?

I have an older brother and a younger sister.
My brother and I have long been practically strangers. He is still in the distant Soviet times ended up serving in the army in the Baltic States, there he met a girl, after the army he married her, they lived in our city for two years, and then went to her homeland. She did not like everything with us, although she had warm and kind relations with her family. But she was drawn home, where is another life. As a result, before the birth of their first child, she and her brother left for her. Now they live in Germany, they rarely came to visit, and after the death of their parents they stopped altogether. We were invited to visit, but we never got together. Now we rarely maintain relationships, only birthday calls. Over the years, we have become strangers, there is nothing to even talk about on the phone. So, the usual phrases ...

WITH younger sister we live in the same city.
While the parents were alive, we met, talked. My sister got married successfully, well provided for, lives well. I was always happy for her.
She did not take care of her sick parents, she believed that it was difficult for her nervous system does not allow her to see the torment of old people.
My eldest daughter and I took care of my parents.
My sister then said that if I looked after, then she would not apply for any inheritance and for an apartment as well. I look after, everything will remain for me. She also did not help her parents financially. And two elderly bedridden old people only needed money for diapers and medicines ... Their pension was not enough, and I had to switch to a less paid job, but allowing me to visit my parents several times a day.
Once I told my sister that there is a catastrophic lack of money, and I also have two schoolchildren, my husband died a long time ago, and I alone "raised" them. I asked my sister to help me financially, at least to buy some of the medicines. But she refused, said that since the whole inheritance remains for me, then I must somehow get out myself.
I sold my two-room nice apartment, I bought myself a one-room apartment with my children, being sure that I would have a three-room parental apartment, but somehow I got out of this difference.
My brother could not help either. At that time he moved to Germany, the job was tight, as he said, and he had no extra money, and he had to support his family and rent an apartment.

So I pulled everything myself.
Mom was the first to leave, and six months later, and father.
At the commemoration for 40 days, the sister said that she was claiming the inheritance and the brother, by the way, too.
True, my brother gave up his share in my favor after I told him everything I had done for my parents, but my sister did not refuse, gladly took mine. one-room apartment, now hand over it safely.
When I called my sister and offered to make monuments to my parents, she refused. She said she saw no point in this. They will not see these monuments anyway, like all the flowers and wreaths that I carry to the graves.

After that she stopped calling me.
Recently I met her at the store, approached her. But she said we had nothing to talk about and left.
But I didn’t do anything bad to her.

Leroy and I have been friends for a long time, ever since kindergarten, then they studied in the same class. So all these stories happened before my eyes.
I'll start in order. Lera has always been, on the one hand, a very open, kind and honest girl, but she did not give herself offense to anyone, she had a sense of her own dignity. Her peers and teachers loved her very much. But in the family, the relationship did not work out very well. Grandmother Vera did not cherish the soul in Lera, she was her first, the eldest granddaughter. But the aunt (aunt Katya), for some reason, from childhood, Leroux disliked and always tried in every possible way to humiliate her in front of all relatives and friends, even in front of her daughters Yulia and Dasha.

The fact is that Aunt Katya and her sister - Aunt Lyuba (Lerina's mother) always considered inferior to herself in status - it even came out purely latent for her. Aunt Lyuba worked as a simple librarian with a 10-year education, and Aunt Katya graduated from the university and then worked as a deputy. head of a department at one of the Gorky factories, and later became a chief. Lera always did not like the behavior of her aunt, her snobbery, arrogance and categoricalness. Because of this, there were often clashes between the niece and aunt. But it is known that in adolescence people react to such things especially sharply. So Lera, when she turned 15, began to express her indignation to aunt Katya about her attitude towards herself and towards her mother ...

However, with her cousins ​​(Yulia is 6 years younger than Lera, and Dasha is 10 years younger) in childhood, her relationship developed normally….
But this is just a short prehistory of everything that happened next ...
When Lera was getting ready to get married, her grandmother Vera decided to give her a wedding gift - register her in her apartment. Aunt Vera really wanted the eldest granddaughter to inherit her apartment later, so that she and her husband would have their own house, where they would raise their children. It was back in 1988, when the grandchildren and children registered in the apartment had the right to inherit ...

But other times have come. Moreover, Aunt Vera had already died by that time ... And Lerina's aunt was very angry that the apartment would go to Lerka, and not her daughters, apparently the niece, in her opinion, did not come out with a snout, they are more worthy! She began to put pressure on her sister Lyuba so that Lera and her grandfather Petya would privatize the apartment and formalize the ownership of it. It was 1993, when privatization was just in its infancy and few people knew all the legal intricacies of this procedure.

But it turned out that the apartment was privatized in equal shares, which meant that everyone was the owner of one second, that is, not at all as Aunt Katya had hoped. After all, she hoped that in this case, grandfather would write a will on her and the apartment would go to her children (as she wanted). This did not happen on purpose. It's just that when the grandfather and granddaughter came to privatize the apartment, they were asked the question: "Would you like to privatize in equal shares?" Logic suggested to both that everything should be just like that ...

But in this, apparently, there was also some kind of divine craft ....

In general, Aunt Katya was very angry with her grandfather that he did this, and even more with Leroux, because she is always like a bone in her throat!

Lera then realized what her aunt was counting on. But grandmother Vera did everything with all her heart, she wanted to leave the apartment to her beloved granddaughter as a souvenir of herself!
My friend and I had a lot of conversations about this. In general, Lera was in a twofold position - on the one hand, she greatly valued the will of her grandmother to make her an heiress, and on the other hand, she was not comfortable in front of her cousins. Therefore, she believed that in this situation it was necessary to look for some reasonable compromise. I advised her to talk to her mother first, what she would advise her on this matter.

Aunt Lyuba asked her daughter not to raise this topic in front of her relatives for the time being, since at that time grandfather Petya was still alive. And Lera fully agreed with this - that's right, with a living legal owner, it is extremely unethical to conduct such conversations. Time will tell and judge.

But then, on the part of Aunt Katya, not quite adequate actions began: then she began to drip on the brains of her sister Lyuba, that Lera, they say, was not helping her grandfather, but was claiming his apartment. She began to urge her daughter Julia to go to her grandfather to clean up. But Lera always did it as much as possible and never refused. Then she already began to say that Lera is very cunning and flattering to her grandfather so that he would write the apartment to her. Lerka did not even have such a thought in his head. On the contrary, she wanted everything to be fair, because in the end she is the official owner of ½ part of this apartment and this is only her (even if the grandmother's will is fulfilled in this), and after the death of her grandfather, the apartment can be sold and the money can be divided to be honest, even so.

Aunt Katya began to urge her grandfather to complain about his health and ask Leroux and her husband to live with him. Grandfather, out of the simplicity of his soul, did just that (he didn’t understand that this was just the intrigue of his very enterprising daughter). Lera agreed and said that she and her husband would soon move to him. But Aunt Katya, without hesitation, settled Julia with him, referring to the fact that she had just entered the institute and she needed to study a lot. And what, in fact, she lacked in the parental 3 room apartment, where she and Dasha had their own 13-meter room, where each had their own desk ?! As far as I know, Dasha did not take noisy companies home, and by that time she herself had already begun to think about entering an institute and was engaged in a lot. So I don't know how she could have prevented Yulka.

Most importantly, the aunt did all this behind her niece's back. Lera did not like this, and she shared her indignation with her mother. Aunt Lyuba, wishing to smooth over the rough edges, said that it would not be for long, let only Yulia get involved in her studies. And Aunt Katya seemed to have changed to Lera. She began to talk to her affably, to make presentations. Lera simply did not want scandals, although she saw everything perfectly ...

But one day it happened that my grandfather went to the hospital for an operation. Aunt Katya, without hesitation, hinted to her sister Lyuba that now he would need constant care, it would not be Julia who would do this, because she needed to study. To which Aunt Lyuba told her that she and her husband (Uncle Vitya) would take grandfather to them. And so they did. And they suddenly began to let tenants into my grandfather's apartment, again without informing anyone about it.

Leroux was already greatly outraged and she really wanted to talk about it with everyone - with her aunt, with her grandfather, with her mother and with Yulia in the open, but her mother again insisted that she not do this, because apart from a scandal, nothing will come of it. Lera herself was never a fool and understood that things could easily come to this, but at the same time it was necessary to somehow sort out the situation. Then Aunt Lyuba promised her to settle everything herself. How can you not believe your mother?

But it didn't end there. Aunt Katya also quietly persuaded her grandfather to sign a deed of gift for his half to Julia. Learning this, Lera even thought that it would be better later and they would find a compromise solution with her sister. However, Aunt Katya continued to let the tenants in, and the grandfather still lived with Aunt Lyuba (but that's okay too, after all, he lived with his daughter!).

In 2006, grandfather Petya died. In the same year, Julia got married ...

I remember in the spring Lerka came running to me all roaring. It turned out that again, behind her back, Yulka and her husband immediately moved into her grandfather's apartment. Lera could no longer restrain herself and expressed all her grievances about this to her mother, and her aunt at that moment was just at her place and heard everything. It was then that immediately became clear to her true attitude towards her sister and niece. Aunt Lyuba told her that Lera is the owner of half and can also claim her share. To which Aunt Katya said: “To me, too, applicant, damn it !!! Throw 10 thousand to her and that's enough for her !!! ".

I, of course, understand that the housing issue is a very sensitive thing, especially in our modern world... But relatives somehow need to look for a compromise between themselves, because these are relatives! Is it really better to pull pieces out of each other's mouths than to settle everything quietly and peacefully ?! After all, Lera was for this from the very beginning! And at that time it was still possible to get something from the sale of a 2-room Khrushchev and profitably invest your money in other real estate. Why do relatives believe that they have the right to solve their problems at the expense of other, less important relatives for them ?! For the longest time I had to work in real estate and similar stories I've already seen enough! ...

In general, one way or another, but Yulia had to talk seriously with Leroy. Yes, it seems that Yulka did not want to especially spoil relations with her cousin. They decided that Lera would take her half in monetary terms, but at the same time (as if between the lines) it was said that Aunt Katya did not have that kind of money.
But Lera knew that Yulia's husband, Volodya, being an entrepreneur (and quite successful at that time) could afford to buy ½ an apartment. But he was going to buy it out for himself. OK. After all, they are Husband and Wife. Lerka ( kind soul!) also cut off half of the cost by almost 2 times - her sister is still Julia! We agreed to give it back in parts, wrote a receipt.

And then these crumbs of theirs had to be literally scratched out with claws. Vovka has one excuse - there is no money yet. And that would at least not try to take a loan ?! In general, Lera's relationship with her sister deteriorated greatly because of this. And then it turned out that life did not work out for Yulia and Vovka - they parted and Yulia was left with 2 daughters in her arms and alimony from her husband. He himself lives with another woman. Julia now cannot forgive Lera for her crippled life.

Is Lera to blame for this? After all, she always wanted the situation with her grandmother's apartment to be resolved honestly, so that no one would be offended.

Looking at all this and you do not know who is to blame, who is right in such a situation. After all, after the collapse of the USSR, everything in our society was literally turned upside down. Everything that was previously considered uncontested was called into question. For example, if earlier it was customary to respect the opinion of elders, now they respect the opinion of those who are more successful in life - in business, in politics, in a career, etc. Money and position in society are at the forefront. Such important qualities like kindness, compassion and selflessness. Increasingly, the common phrase began to flicker: “These are your problems!”.

So Lerin's history now, from the standpoint of the present time, can be interpreted in different ways. Who is the victim here? Yes, probably little by little. But it's only a pity that due to apartment differences, relations between relatives are so deteriorating ...
To be honest, I believe that if the “golden calf” and purely material benefit rules in a society, then this society does not expect anything good. That is why there are now many such sad stories when relatives - seemingly close people become each other worst enemies resentful at each other for the rest of their lives.

LUCHEZARA ZALESSKAYA

No matter how dramatic it may seem, sometimes the people closest to us suddenly become alien and hostile. The reason for this may be monetary or property disputes, a difference in outlook on life or banal everyday situations ... How to avoid conflict and breakdown of relations before it is too late? Family psychologist Margarita Barsukova gives advice.

- Unfortunately, the situation when close relatives are "at knives" or do not communicate with each other at all is quite common, - the expert comments. - In my opinion, it is much easier to prevent such a development of relations than to restore them later. Let's take a look at some typical examples.

Evgeny, 28 years old:"Two years ago I got married, but my parents did not approve of my choice, since my wife is from the periphery and, in their opinion, is hunting for a residence permit. As a result, we were forced to leave for rented apartment, I have no communication with my parents. They said that while I was with Rita, so as not to dare to appear in their eyes ... "

Psychologist's comment:

Often, if we see a hostile attitude towards ourselves from someone else, then we pay the same. Meanwhile, relationships need to be built. Perhaps you should not have put your parents before the fact of your marriage to a "provincial woman", but gradually introduce her into the family, let her show her best qualities, letting your family get used to it ... Completely ending a relationship is not a solution to the problem.

Marina, 37 years old:"Before her death, my grandmother bequeathed her apartment to me, as I looked after her. My sister said that she also has the right to inheritance, and filed a lawsuit, but lost it. After that, she no longer maintains a relationship with me, it is very difficult ... But what can I do - give her an apartment? I live there myself, and my sister has a living space. "

Psychologist's comment:

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It is up to you to decide what is more dear to you - an apartment or maintaining family relations. In this situation, you can ask what option your sister would suggest. After all, the apartment was bequeathed to you, and it was you who took care of your grandmother? Or did the sister also contribute? In this case, you can offer to pay the sister a certain amount of money against her share.

The best option is to invite an outside person and ask him to resolve the dispute between you. Only it should not be a professional lawyer and not a person who is financially interested in resolving the problem, but simply a person with extensive life experience. Familiarize him with the situation, and let him tell you what, in his opinion, you should do with your sister and the apartment bequeathed to you.

Galina, 39 years old:"I found my 17-year-old daughter in an intimate situation with my common-law husband. I drove both of them out of the house. As far as I know, my daughter now lives with her father, then with her friends, she says that she hates me and will never return, that she has no more mother ... "

Psychologist's comment:

Betrayal loved one- it's always very hard. But this did not stop you from being a mother and daughter. Perhaps you should not kick your daughter out of the house, but discuss the situation with her, find out why she did this. Maybe she's not to blame at all, but your former roommate? Moreover, he is a grown man, and she is still a minor ...

Michael, 34 years old:

"I have a difficult life situation... I decided to ask for a loan from my brother. He has his own business, and he is not in poverty. But my brother refused, and in a harsh manner. We don't communicate anymore. I think this is not related, and since he did this to me, it means that he does not consider me a close person. "

We love animals: playing with them, observing, combing fluffy fur. And you don't need to be a genius to understand how big the gap between us humans and beasts is. We are neither better nor worse, but simply made of different dough. Why did a person become a person, at what point did it happen? Although we also need food and shelter, we have a lot of people think about life, about why he lives.

In addition, people have aspirations, desires, set goals, try to achieve them. And why are people so different from each other, if everyone has the same roots? Someone is smart, someone is beautiful, and someone is deprived of both. How to become happy and not miss your chance in this life? Let's talk about this in this article.

Oh, these people!

We, perhaps, will never know the answer to the question of why a person became a person. According to Darwin's theory of evolution, we descended from apes. But why did it happen? Imagine the following: even if the monkey changes, becomes upright and bald, will he think?

Will he wish wealth and success for himself, evil for his enemies, and health and happiness for his relatives? People differ from other creatures living on Earth in that they know how to think, work, set goals and strive to achieve them. However, even here they differ from each other: some think a lot, others do not, someone works, and someone is parasitic. People differ not only from animals, but also from each other, and so much that sometimes it seems that they were born in completely different ways. But are we really that much different from relatives?

About the purpose and purpose

One of the most important properties, which brings together all people on Earth, this is what we exist for.

It doesn't matter what God you believe in or whether you believe at all, you must have thought at least once about the meaning of your life. What were you born for, what should you do, and what should you strive for? Certainly not in order to work all my life in a boring job and do uninteresting things. And not in order to save up and then die one day and not take anything with you. But why then?

This is what we live for - to find meaning. It does not matter whether the insight comes sometime or not, whether it is a clearly formulated thought or just a feeling. Gaining life experience, experiencing various feelings - that's what everything happens for. Why did a person become a person and became aware of himself? In order to improve, gain new knowledge about the world and become wiser and more conscious. And in what family you were born, what you look like, what you have a penchant for - these are just conventions. Live, do what you like, communicate with those who are near and dear to you, and you will fulfill your destiny.

Why are we so different, but still together?

And who said that we humans are different? We are used to opposing ourselves to others, to think that we are different.

Learn to accept

In fact, we are all developing. Every person changes throughout life. And don't believe those who say otherwise. It is for this reason that people "become strangers." That is, your close friend did not become a stranger, just as a result of natural changes you cannot or do not want to recognize the old person in the new personality. Believe that no one can become a stranger to you. But we do not always like the changes that happen to someone, and we are not always ready to accept them. Hence - rejection and rejection. How to be in this case? There are only two options - to accept or not. Either you accept the inevitable changes and get to know a new person, realizing that he is no worse than your old acquaintance, or communication is reduced to nothing.